Now,, this isn't a chapter. It's just a little memory. Skip it, if you want, it's just a way for me to remember what was and think about what's still to come. For all of us. On a side note, I'm not sure how regularly I'll be posting over the next one or two weeks.
my grandfather died today. Not really surprising, the man would have had his 84th birthday the coming Thursday and he's been sick and frankly on deaths door for a while now. Dementia, had a heart attack… the works.
my dad, me and my aunt have been providing in house care for a few years now and we all knew how this was going to end and that it would do so really soon. Strangely enough it was still a surprise when it happened. Maybe not even a bad one. I don't think he had much to enjoy over the last few weeks of his life.
anyways, what got to me was how life actually ends. It doesn't end with a battle, a scream, not even a shout or tears. It's just a whimper and then we're gone. Dead. One moment he's snoring rattlingly, the next he's… just a piece of flesh. A thing. Lifeless. Decaying meat that's nothing but a burden with social services, the police and the undertaker already knocking on the door, eyeing for money, time, attention… fuck. It sucks.
but I don't really think that that's the end. I don't believe in god or heaven, not even the devil :) but I do believe that the life we've lived matters. The choices we made. The people we touched. The people who remember us. The Irish have a splendid tradition where they drink through the night, telling stories about the deceased. I like telling stories and this one and this one is about my grandfather. Afterwards I'll start on the drinking part.
my gramps wasn't an easy man. He was born 1941 in Germany. Now for all you youngsters, there was a little bit of a conflict going on at that time and it didn't end that well for the Germans. Luckily. Anyways, he grew up in a post war country on the losing side. Met a girl. Became a father at 17. His son, my dad, and he didn't get along.
my gramps himself was still a child back then. he had to care for a family with no money, no education to speak of and very little courage. Yeah, he wasn't the bravest of the bunch. Still. He fucking made it through. He raised two kids, he built two houses, planted a few trees, had two dogs… ran his own cat over because the stupid creature was deaf af at the tender age of 21 and slept under the car:)
anyways, that was long before my time. When I met him he had 10 years left until retirement and was just a stereotypical granddad. Spoiled me stupid, taught me golf, drove me to hell,and back to meet friends…
he was there when I graduated school and uni, he took me to a party where I met the first girl I ever had a crush on, he was passionate about politics, cars, engines, animals and food. Didn't like alcohol, detested smoking (I do smoke) and always tried his best. I think. Like I said, he wasn't perfect and sometimes I think his stubbornness sort of overwrote his heart. Maybe he also had some anger issues.
i remember one time, I lived with my grandparents for a year when I started uni, we almost came to literal blows over a like 2.5 euros telephone bill. Oh well, come to think of it, maybe I'm just the same. Tough luck.
he didn't have it easy, but he tried. And i think that's all we can do. All we can hope to do. The only thing that doesn't fly is rolling on your back giving up. Anyways, if you've slugged your way through this rant you might ask why? Why is that idiot typing shit like that online. Simple, really.
I think he deserves it. I think he deserves that one or two people all over the world, who don't know his name nor him, take a few minutes and think about him. Because that's what's going to be left of all of us. There is no historical fight between good and evil waiting, our lives are mundane, but they matter. They matter because people remember us. Because we taught them. Even if it's just the smallest thing, a moment at the cashiers when one of those pesky thoughts flutters through your head, but that's our trace. Our path… the heaven and hell we've created for ourselves. That's what's left and I want people to remember that unknown man, who raised a family despite his fears, who built a foundation for them that allowed them to thrive. Thank you. Thank you for that. And thank you for what you've taught me, what you've shown me. I'm too old and calloused to truthfully say I fully loved you, but I appreciated you, I know you, I miss you and I will remember you.
goodbye. Sleep well. Who knows, maybe granny is right and we will meet again. If that's the case, I know which dog you're currently walking around the lake. Enjoy it. You've fought your battles. It's time to rest.