"Feeling a skipped heartbeat or a fluttering sensation when around someone you're attracted to is often due to the release of adrenaline from your adrenal glands, triggered by the brain's response to attraction..."
"...hours with the person feels like seconds. You want to speak alot but unable to speak as you would mostly be smiling or blushing and can't believe your luck that you are lucky to be in the company of this person. You are mesmerised by their charismatic personality. With them just being there. It's Love and respect."
Matsuri are attractive. I'm sure everybody will be fluttered when they see her. Hours felt like seconds? Never feel like it. Matsuri did took her time everytime she bit into a chicken sandwich. Smiling and blushing? I smiled alot when i was with her. Well we've been together for basicallly our whole life so it was natural and she also worried if i didnt smile at least once a day. Blushing however... what the hell is that?
I put down my phone and stared out the window. The sun had set long ago and the rain had stopped. Blushing... what is it? I pondered the moments i spent with Matsuri. The time she fell face down into the river back at my grandparents house. Her blissful face when she ate a tiramisu for the first time. Or when she showed me the highschool uniform for the first time.
"Hee... hehe."
I closed my mouth in instant. I feel giddy. That isn't blushing i thought. But i feel weird again so i stood up and paced around the room.
"If its love, why now of all time?" I sat down on the bed. "I have to make sure--"
Knock! Knock!
"Come in--"
The door swung open revealing Matsuri in her grey pajamas. Her nose looked red and eyes glistening.
She sniffed. "Daichi..."
"What happened?" I came up to her and she hugged me. TIGHT.
"Waaaahh!" Matsuri tightening her hug even more as she buried her face on my chest.
"Hold... on." My heart beating fast. My face felt hot as the scent of her shampoo reached my nose.
I tapped her back and she let go. Matsuri immediately sat on my bed and buried her face on my pillow.
I took a seat next to her. Matsuri still sniffed let out a small whimper. What on earth had happened? The last time she became like this was when she lost a beetle fight against a boy when we were at sixth grade. I didn't blame her. She was carrying the girls team. At home, I have to comfort her by playing games with her.
Looking at her again at this age still crying the same way, i smiled unknowingly. "There, there," i patted her back and wrapped her in my arm.
Again i felt my heart rushed. I used to comfort her like this. This amount of skinship were normal before, but why now it felt awkward? My mind went to places. I want to smell her hair. I want to hug her more! Relax brain!
I hesitantly let go and scooted slightly away. Matsuri looked at me, her nose running, and teary eyes under the messy hair. Again one more damn time my heart took a leap! It felt wrong looking at her at this state.
Wait, wait,wait!
I stood up and faced the window. This is bad! I asked my self what is wrong with me. I turned on the AC since it became warmer.
"Whas wrong Daichi... yhou ogheyy?" She slurred her sentence as she sniffed even more.
"I'm... i'm fine." I glanced at her. "Are YOU okay?"
Sniff. Matsuri shook her head. Sniff.
I went to my drawers for a towel and gave it to Matsuri. "Clean your face then we talk."
She wiped her face and controlled her breath. She looked devastated. Who would've done this to her? Wait... is it a guy??? Is she secretly have a boyfriend and just broke up? There was a sudden pang in me. Whoever the fuck dare to make her cry will face me head on with no gloves and headgear--
She wiped the tears off. "He..."
"He?"
"He can't come home..."
Poof... my life flashed before my eyes. My stomach felt gutted, churned, and minced. I felt like an empty box.
"I thought i had done enough but... it wasn't enough."
Her words felt like torture. What is this? Why do i feel like crying? A guy dare to make her cry like this. She must be really in love with him.
Love. The words stings more than it should.
"What should i do now, Daichi?"
Yeah i asked myself too. What should i do? I haven't solve my problem yet another one arise.
"I had spend so much time and money..."
Money? She spend money for him? My head spun and richocheting in different direction. Not only heartbroken but scammed as well?!
"This guy... where does he live and what's his name?" I'm going to beat the shit--
"Prince Felix... 3rd prince of the Kingdom of Avice--"
"KINGDOM OF WHAT?!"
"Kingdom of Avice?"
"What are you talking about???"
"I pulled on the wrong character banner and i lost... i lost the fifty-fifty chance and the remaining voucher." Her eyes started watering again but i grabbed her head and shook it back and forth.
"You made me through all that because of a game you gacha head!"
"I... grind... so... much."
I let go and dropped next to her. Now it was my turn to bury my face in my hand. All those negative feeling flushed in seconds. The guy face sketch that i drew in my head gone and the rush of happiness drowned me so much it overwhelmed my head. Why happiness though? I felt extremely happy now. So happy i wanna hug her again.
"Are you okay?" Now it was her turn to scoot closer and comfort me.
"No, i'm not okay." I emptied my lung. "Next time... context first, alright?"
"Huh?" Matsuri tilted her head. "What do you think i was going to say?"
I paused. "I thought you were dumped by some... some guy who used you for money."
"No way! I will not give away my money easily, not when prince Felix's banner still around." She said.
I looked to my right and saw Matsuri grinned like nothing happened. Then she chuckled softly which made my heart gone soft again. Everything calmed down inside me.
"Were you jealous?"
"Wha--no... no i'm not." I couldn't deny the fact that i felt so hurt and disturbed after hearing Matsuri talking about another guy.
"I was just worried and angry that somebody hurt you and made you cry." I spat everything out like my life depend on it.
Matsuri's expression relaxed then smiled. I never see her smile like that. A smile so warm i want to get closer to her. "Thank you, Daichi... thank you for worrying me as always."
I could only looked away as i couldn't look at her in the eyes.
Then she sighed. "But the fact that i lost fifty-fifty chance did not change."
I sighed. "All that dramatic crying... what for? there will be re-run anyway..."
"It has been like months after his first release!"
"To hell with Felix. I'm spent so go home and sleep. We got school tomorrow."
"Ehh so mean... it's like eight right now. Let's play!"
"I can't." Not on school day. We play for at least five hour everytime we did a 2-player game. Make it seven hour if its a pvp game.
"Come on you told me to cheer up."
"Sleep will cheer you up for sure."
"Fine." Matsuri then lay down and put the blanket on herself like a canned mackerel.
"What are you doing? Get off my bed and go home."
"No. I'm crashing here for tonight."
"You haven't even told my mom, Matsuri."
"I did."
"No you didn't."
Matsuri got up and opened the door. She ran down the hall. And said, "Auntie can i sleepover tonight?" I heard a faint "Sure." From the kitchen. Then in seconds i heard rapid footsteps of her running back to the room and dive straight for the bed.
"See? I did." And so she did. Matsuri flopped back into bed and snuggled herself into the blanket.
This is gonna be bad for my heart but regardless I opened the futon for guest and lay it next to my bed. For a very long time Matsuri had a sleepover in my house. We spent many hours playing games, reading, doing summer homework, or just hanging out doing our own stuff. But never once during those time i felt as giddy as tonight. Maybe because it had been a while since our last sleepover and that was when everything was normal to me. And the scene where her face and hair were messy adding up to my headache.
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"When you love someone, you have an emotional investment in that person. When you see that person focus on someone else and invest in them, when deep down you hoped they would be doing that for you - it can be disheartening. It is like experiencing rejection but indirectly, if you never actually took a step towards this person to develop a relationship then it isn't a rejection but rather the absence of an attempt."
"...because your heart and your days were filled with him or her to the point of emotional attachment. And now when their time is filled with someone else while you're wanting to spend time with them will feel more like a loss."
"That's jealousy. You wish you were in the position of that 'someone else'. You are unhappy with that 'someone else' talking and flirting with someone you like, you fear and worry that they will take your her away. You want her to be happy with you instead of anyone else in the situation."
I scrolled down the forum more and found the same answer.
'I love her' was something that i didn't expect to even cross my mind one day. People asked me if i liked her romantically but it was like having a sister. Then, at the end of third year middle school, i was stuck on observing her but I ignored all of it. I thought she was pretty and i understood the terms 'candy for the eye'. Then the moment she put on a highschool uniform, a thunder struck me and she became a blooming flower.
I turned off the phone and stared at the dark ceiling. What will change if I say it to her? Will things stay the same? What if she saw me as a brother? Does she feel the same about me? Is there anybody she likes? It hit me like a boulder. It is love.