Orbot busily typed away.
Orbot: Alright Metal! Just gotta calibrate the doohickeys and you'll be set!
Cubot: Let's go!
With a burst of energy, the teleportation device activated, and Metal Sonic vanished. The two bots stared at the scanner in Cubot's hand.
Cubot: Huh. The scanner isn't tracking him.
Orbot: Strange. We only sent him to another country.
Cubot: Could just be a glitch.
Orbot: Wait a sec. Cubot, did you touch the doohickey I told you specifically not to touch?
Cubot: No...
Instead of rematerializing at the Chemical Plant where the Sol Emerald was supposedly hidden, Metal Sonic appeared in... someone's living room.
He scanned the unfamiliar surroundings and let out a silent, robotic sigh. Clearly, those idiots had messed up. Again.
No bother. It was for moments like this that he had himself a secret weapon. He instinctively reached for one of his Chaos Emeralds. Nothing. He patted himself down in mounting irritation. Still nothing. He even flew slightly into the air, turning his head around unnaturally. Nothing.
Jr: Wow! Look at the shiny crystal!
Metal turned sharply. Jr was holding it. His emerald. The robot's eyes locked onto the boy with deadly focus, staring into him like nuclear bombs.
Jr: Ah shit!
Jr bolted. Metal gave chase, until they burst into a kitchen.
Jr: Chef Pee Pee! Help me!
Chef: No Jr, I will NOT play Danganronpa with you. Hmph.
Jr: No! This evil fucking robot is trying to kill me!
Metal Sonic stepped forward with slow, ominous steps.
Chef: And?
Jr: And he said your cooking fucking blows.
Without missing a beat, a steaming plate of spaghetti smashed into Metal's face.
Chef: You think you can disrespect me? In my kitchen? Bring it!
Metal: It will be your DOOM.
Chef: ...Huh?
FIGHT!
Chef: Wait… he actually serious? What the fuck did you do?
Jr: I don't fucking know! I just saw a tiny thing and…DUCK!
They both dive to the floor just in time to avoid a rocket-boosted kick that rips through the kitchen air. Metal overshoots, but before he can recover, a frying pan slams into the side of his head. It clangs harmlessly off, barely scratching the paint.
Chef: And this! And this! And this!
In a frenzy, Chef hurls everything within arm's reach. Frying pans. Kitchen knives. Meat cleavers. Nothing sticks. Metal either swats them aside or walks through them like they're made of paper.
Then, in pure desperation, Chef throws Red, the Angry Bird, who screeches through the air before being effortlessly slapped away.
Chef: Alright! What about this?
From behind cover, he whips out a Poké Ball and chucks it with dramatic flair. It bursts open midair, revealing a towering Snorlax. The massive Pokémon body-slams into Metal Sonic, actually pushing him back and rattling him.
For a moment, it looks like a victory.
The camera pans to reveal Metal pushing his feet off the floor slowly, stepping forward with defiance. With a sharp mechanical whine, he grits through the pressure, lifts Snorlax over his head with one arm, and hurls the beast aside like a discarded sofa.
He rockets forward, almost like a blur of fury.
Chef Pee Pee stands tall, eyes closed, arms folded, fully confident.
Chef: Ha ha ha! Victory assured? Nah. It's just me-
He's abruptly and violently cut off by a crushing palm strike to the chest, folding him instantly.
Metal gave chase, hurtling after the Chef like a heat-seeking missile. Chef Pee Pee crashed through wall after wall, debris trailing him like breadcrumbs, before Metal caught up mid-flight. Without hesitation, he hammered three successive blows to the Chef's torso, maintaining their aerial momentum as they smashed through even more drywall.
With a final, devastating kick, he slammed Chef Pee Pee into a solid wall in the narrow highway, pinning him hard enough to crack it. Then, Metal's chest panels opened, and then a piercing blast of plasma fired straight upward, splitting the Chef clean in half. Both halves crumpled to the floor, limp and smoking.
Metal turned away, his sensors scanning for the emerald. But before he could step forward, a familiar voice broke the silence.
Chef: Aww man that bites like hell!
Metal's head rotated a full 180 degrees, glowing eyes locking on. His body turned next, slow and deliberate.
Chef: Hey! You! Do you know how much being cut in half by a laser is?
From behind a fresh hole in the wall, Bowser Jr. peeked in, eyes wide with awe.
Jr: Um, actually, that was a Plasma beam.
Chef: Shut the fuck up.
Jr: What? I'm right, am I?
Without a word, Metal produced an emerald from seemingly nowhere. He raised it to the light, as its power gleamed in the sun.
Metal: Chaos…CONTROL!
Outside, a Magikoopa in mid-flight froze midair. The hallway fell still, unnaturally so. Why? Cause time itself had stopped.
Chef: Plasma Beam Smaszma Beam. He still cut me in half, you know!
Jr: Yeah, but you called it a laser. It's not a Laser.
Chef: Ah, forget it!
Metal stepped back slightly, surprised. Both of them… unfazed by a Chaos Time Stop? Interesting indeed.
Chef: As for you? Eat lead!
He whipped out a pair of twin Uzis with dramatic flair, spinning them in both hands before unleashing a what he thought was a volley… only for the bullets to hang, frozen, dragging themselves out of the barrels at a snail's pace.
Metal tilted his head, entirely unimpressed.
Chef: Oh. Right.
Waving his hands, somehow, the heaviness around the room evaporated, as time resumed again!
His aim was pinpoint. Bullet after bullet pelted Metal's frame, forcing him to raise his arms in defence, stepping backwards under the onslaught. His eyes gleamed an intense green, reminiscent of the hedgehog himself, then with a burst of speed, he flipped over a stream of gunfire and rocketed down the corridor with the boosts on his back.
Chef: Hey! Get back here, you!
Jr: Wait for me!
Still firing, Chef chased after him. Metal led them deeper into the increasingly narrow hallway, a trap set in motion. With a sudden halt, the corridor ended. A dead end.
Chef: Haha! I've got you cornered!
But those green eyes gleamed deeper. He kicked off the side of the corridor, launching into a rapid wall-jump that flung him behind his opponent in a blur. Chef barely turned his head before Metal curled into a ball, slamming a homing attack into his back.
Chef: Gah!
Both combatants hit the ground hard. But Metal wasn't done. He leapt again, this time performing a crushing ground pound that sent Chef Pee Pee bouncing helplessly into the air. His eyes flared purple. With blazing speed, Metal launched upward, delivering a fiery uppercut to the jaw, sending the Chef flailing AND screaming.
The gleam in his eyes shifted to gold. All the wasted bullets Chef had sprayed began to shimmer, caught in a rising, swirling green telekinetic aura, gathering above them like a metallic storm cloud. The bullets floated in elegant, lethal formation, poised like spears ready to strike.
Chef Pee Pee twisted mid-air, struggling to steady himself, only to find himself staring up at the glimmering mass of death suspended above him.
Chef: Why do I even bother?
With a single downward gesture, Metal brought them crashing down like divine punishment. Hundreds… no… thousands (I think.) of bullets rained onto the Chef, impaling him brutally from head to toe. By the time his limp body hit the ground, he was far more metal than fabric.
Metal turned again, unbothered, resuming his silent march.
Jr: W-wait! You don't have to do all of THAT to me!
But Metal advanced regardless, unwavering. And then, a creak. A faint protest from the battered floorboards behind him. Metal paused, covering his eyes in disappointment before twisting his head around.
The Chef, impossibly still alive, with bullets still lodged deep in his plushy skin, dragged himself upward.
Chef: You really huff think those ass lame tricks… can put down a Chef?
With one trembling knee raised, he fought to stand fully upright.
Chef: I could never… go down… to scrap metal… like YOU!!!!!!!
A sudden, blinding aura burst erupted from him, shredding the air as the embedded bullets fired outward omnidirectionally. Metal threw up his guard reflexively, though not a single round struck him. Three of them, however, did nail Jr in the face.
Jr: OW! FUCK! WHY!
And then… his form changed.
His muscles expanded grotesquely. His once-black hair flared gold, shimmering with fury.
He was… Super Saiyan Pee Pee. Someone please change his fucking name.
Chef: I heard that!
Ignore me. With a sonic boom, Chef vanished from sight, reappearing mid-swing, blitzing Metal Sonic with a colossal haymaker that dented the blue armour and launched Metal clean through the corridor. The walls blurred past until they burst into a grand dining hall, complete with long tables, gilded chairs, and absurdly high ceilings.
Chef: When the fuck did we have this room? Oh right. Hiya!
Metal spinning uncontrollably. The Chef pursued immediately, soaring after him like a comet. In one fluid motion, Chef spiked Metal downward like a volleyball, sending him crashing into the floor.
Metal strained. His hydraulics whined as he tried to stand. But Chef was already descending. He landed square on Metal's back with a crunch, pinning him there like a trophy underfoot.
Chef: You thought you could beat this?
Punch after punch rained down, each blow brighter, glowing hotter with every strike.
With one last surge, he kicked Metal hard into the wall, crossing the entire width of the dining hall. Before Metal could recover, Chef was already there, grabbing him by the throat with both hands, hoisting him like a broken doll. Ironic.
Metal's processors raced. Scanners flared. Where? Where?
There! The emerald! Jr still had it!
Jr: Ow, that really fucking hurt like- Huh?
With a snap, the emerald ripped itself free of Jr's grasp, soaring to its "rightful owner" under the guidance of Metal's telekinesis. It hovered in front of him for only a second before bursting with unstable chaos energy. A Chaos Blast, one would say.
A fiery dome of compressed destruction detonated outward, blasting Chef away and giving Metal the space he needed to breathe.
Chef: What the-
Metal hovered there now, illuminated by an eerie, radiant light. The gold glow usually associated with that comforting warmth of a hero intensified around him, menacing and ready. His chrome looked newly polished.
He wasn't just powerful now. He was perfect.
Metal: Behold and kneel, before your true master!
Super Neo Metal Sonic.
Chef: Are you fucking kid-
He's cut off mid-sentence by a brutal blow to the gut. Doubling over, Chef Pee Pee retaliated with two wild swings as his fists burned with aura, but Metal weaved between them effortlessly and retaliated with a rising kick, which he caught it just in time, bracing against the Metal with a clang!
For a moment, they held each other in a deadlock, with the floorboards beneath them creaking and splitting under the pressure. Their glares locked like titans as they bashed their heads against each other. Then, with simultaneous grunts, they exploded upward, vanishing in twin golden and metallic blurs, streaking into the ceiling like fireworks.
High above, their figures collided and separated in rapid succession, cracking the air again and again.
Jr: Whoa!
Mid-flight, Chef suddenly flipped backwards, skidding in the sky like he was bracing himself on invisible footing. He extended both hands outward, fingers splayed.
Chef: Death Fingers!
Streams of condensed energy fired from his fingertips, bursting toward Metal like purple artillery. But he didn't flinch, and instead spun into a sleek barrel roll, weaving between each blast like a Smash Bros Player dancing between Shower drops.
The world blurred around them as Metal Sonic suddenly aimed himself directly at the Chef, flying straight at him.
Chef: How stupid!
Startled, Chef swung wide with another desperate spike, but his blow hit nothing but empty air.
Chef: Wha-
Metal teleported behind him in a blink, grabbing him violently by the throat. Electricity crackled between his fingers, and a surge of lightning flowed through Chef Pee Pee's plush frame, sizzling the threads and fabric that made him. The two began to slowly descend, drifting downward in eerie silence like a broken lift.
Scanning for Bio Data. Scanning for Bio Data. BIO DATA FOUND! ??????????????? U1VQRVJfU0VDUkVUX0NIRUZfUEVFX1BFRQ==RGlkIHlvdSByZWFsbHkgdHJhbnNsYXRlIHRoaXM/IFdlbGwgZG9uZSEgU3BvaWxlciwgQ2hlZiBQZWUgUGVlIHdpbnMgdGhpcyEgQWxzbywgZnVjayB5b3Uu
Metal Sonic's glowing irises began to flicker, red glitching into blue and back again in uneven pulses. Static bled from his speakers in horrible bursts of digital screeching. His claws twitched as his armor dented inward, warping grotesquely like soft metal being crushed from the inside. Fuzzy metal vomited from all sides. An ugly sight to behold.
His internal systems screamed their final error:
"SUBJECT DATA: ERROR. CONCEPT INVALID. FORMAT NOT RECOGNIZED."
Down on the floor, Chef watched it all, frozen in confusion, eyebrows raised.
Chef: What? Do I have Malware? You bitch!
He slapped himself lightly, shaking his head.
Chef: Nah! Nah! Focus!
With Metal still convulsing midair, Chef shot forward with everything he had left, drawing back his fist, aura flaring wildly, ready to end this with one defining punch.
Chef: Bone apple teeth, bitch!
CLANG!
Metal… blocked it.
Chef: Ok. This is just fucking stupid.
His arm twisted unnaturally, then outright ripped off.
Chef Pee Pee howled in agony.
Chef: AH FUCK!
Before he could even process the pain, Metal followed up with a brutal kick, launching him into the nearest wall. His golden aura shattered, hair dimming, muscles deflating like a sad party balloon.
Chef: NO! My muscles! My glorious hair! Gaddammit!
Metal advanced, slow and deliberate, the final execution in sight, until something grabbed his ankle.
Jr: Wait... don't... hurt... my friend...
Without hesitation, Metal flicked him upward like a soda can and spun, delivering a perfect bicycle kick that planted Jr into the ground right beside a groaning Chef Pee Pee.
Jr: Ahhh! The agony! My bones! My beautiful bones!
Jr winced and stole a glance sideways. Chef was groaning too hard to care.
Jr: Hey! Chef Pee Pee! He hit me!
Chef: Okay?
Jr: Isn't this the part where you get, like… an emotional power-up or something?
Chef squinted at him like he just asked to borrow rent money.
Chef: Why the fuck would I care what happens to you?
With his remaining hand, he punched the ground in frustration.
Chef: Fuck this, man… I wish I wasn't in this shitty situation.
WISH POWER.
It didn't even sound dramatic. No loud flash. No soaring orchestras. Just a quiet, casual "WISH POWER" vibrating through reality like someone flipping the cheat codes on.
The emeralds shot out of Metal Sonic at high speed, spiraling around him like a malfunctioning ring toss before embedding themselves in the floor. Metal suddenly collapsed, pressed to the ground by some unseen, crushing force. His thrusters sparked. His limbs trembled. No matter how he struggled, he couldn't move.
Chef blinked.
Chef: Huh?
Jr: Dude, your wish worked!
Chef: I can do that?
Jr: We all can, apparently.
Chef: Huh. Alright then,
He dashed forward with reckless speed, his arm flailing behind him like a cape made of spite.
Chef: TAKE THIS! ENCHILADA BEAM!
With both hands, he fired a glorious, half-assed energy blast shaped like… was that a burrito? It didn't matter.
The swirling mass of fluorescent-tinted, cafeteria-quality power crashed into Metal Sonic like a microwave door slamming shut. Sparks flew. Circuits fried. His twitching limbs spasmed one last time before the light in his eyes finally flickered out.
Defeated. Done. Cooked.
Chef: Whew! That was crazy!
Without ceremony, Chef Pee Pee turned around, dusting himself off, while Jr cradled a now-glimmering emerald in his arms like a football. They began to walk the opposite direction.
Jr: So uh…
Chef: I'm still not playing any Danganronpa with you.
Jr: Okay, jeez!
Behind them, a portal spiraled open above the smoking heap of what used to be Metal Sonic.
Cubot: Again??
Orbot: Aw man. The Doc is gonna be so mad.
Cubot: Now we're gonna have to save our Danganronpa sesh for next week!