Hey, hey!
Welcome back!
I hope that this finds you well as always.
This little series has been gaining quite the amount of attention as of late, lol
That is a strange feeling, for I can't for the likes of me understand why, or what could be so interesting about all of this!
I am grateful and humbled for sure.
Just under 5K views within the past seven days is crazy talk!
And I can't thank all of you enough!
I've been having a tough month, and your views just seem to help me get through my days just a bit easier, you know?
I will leave you with that, and see you back here on the way out!
I love you.
All of you.
See you soon, and enjoy!
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August 3rd, 2013.
Journal #066.
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And so she slept...
I guess I should have left her be.
There in that beautiful slumber.
But I felt wrong somehow,
Like a Knight who lies with a Queen who has a King.
No matter how small his crown may be...
We could sit and talk about nothing forever, and with time, her words would still taste like euphoria.
What is wrong with me?
She's filled with beautiful darkness.
"He's too nice."
And that part of me just loves to dance in the dark.
She is the dark side of the moon.
The place where all of the shooting stars lie in wait for their chance to kiss the atmosphere.
I will always want to kiss her, but there is never a right time.
I don't think there ever will be, but I will do it anyway.
I don't think she would mind so much, huh?
So I seen a shooting star and as it died, I wished a wish.
More like hoped a hope.
For that time, a sealing kiss.
Marry me.
With time, it could be.
But a Knight is a Knight, and a Queen is a Queen.
And a Knight just can't become a King...
Or can he?
I think I think too much.
I defeat myself with dreams that will push me to the dark corner if they broke apart.
And that would be no one's fault but mine for entering onto a battlefield that was never planned.
But love will always be painful until you meet that one person...then that painful battle will become a beautiful dance.
Even if we are dancing in the dark.
I could live with that.
Maybe I could lift her to the light, or maybe she could drag me to the dark.
Whatever works.
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-I slept next to her, but I made sure that there was over a foot of space between us, lol. I was falling in love with her, but she was still with him. That was enough to make me keep my distance, no matter how much I wanted to be with her. I had far too much respect for her and for myself.
-I speak to her from time to time, and she still talks a lot, you know? But is her voice euphoric like it used to be? No. It's strange now. Alluring, but not attractive? How do I even explain that?
-What was wrong with me? I was in love. It was thick and palpable. I was lost in her.
-I WAS too nice for her in some ways. I am a pacifist and tend to avoid undue drama, you know? She was very much the aggressor in our relationship, and I was quite attracted to that quality for a while, until it became an armor that she would wear...even around me. I hated that she couldn't let her guard down and be "soft" with me more often, but maybe that was on me. Maybe I was the problem, and I couldn't love her the way she needed to be loved, you know? Sometimes we think we are what's best with someone.
-I was chasing danger in the dark...for what? To save her from him? From himself? I was trying to fill a hole in my own life and heart, yes...But I wanted her to be happy, and happy with me. I thought that I could give her anything and everything she wanted. In hindsight, I should have helped how I could, then placed myself in the friend zone.
I think, and feel that way now, but look at what experiencing her brought me: Several books written lol. The pains and joys and storms and good times. All of it is a lesson and should be looked back on as such, the good and the bad.
-I was so in love with this lady that I didn't want anyone or anything else. That is a scary level of love that I wish I could and would have tempered.
-I had a terrible habit of setting high hopes and goals, and then kicking the shit out of myself when I inevitably didn't reach them...I still do this at times, you know?
I feel like I am sooooooooo behind in life...
I will be 36 this year, and I feel like I have little to show for it because I have given so much away in place of building and investing in myself.
Bah.
Life is a series of choices, yeah?
I've made them, good and bad, just as everyone else has, and I refuse to be a "woe is me' kinda guy lol.
I hope that I can make people happy and laugh, and not the opposite!
I will leave you all at that, and I hope that you find something of use in this or something that I write, you know?
Till next time, safe travels, folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.