Season: Summer
Weather: Hot and smoky still. The wild bushfire is continuing to blaze unchecked and uncontrollably. Worse with the windy weather today, putting five other townships in danger with evacuation warnings going out. An entire township and two farms were lost last night.
Day of the week: Friday
Date: 24th February, 2024
Another day alone in the hotel room. I'm not hungry and I don't feel like eating, but I've been forcing myself to at least have a few bites so as not to waste the food. Since I didn't eat much yesterday, I put the leftovers in the fridge and asked the front desk not to send me anything today so that I can continue eating yesterday's food and trying to finish it. This resulted in a worker coming up to take the cold dishes away on a trolley and scolding me, telling me fresh and hot food will be delivered to me on time, and that I can't eat yesterday's food. At the same time, the room was cleaned up and freshened up.
Why does my chest ache so much?
To distract myself, I decided to open my laptop and get some work done. It's been so long since I last did any work that I feel all rusty and covered with cobwebs. It was worse yesterday, but not as bad today. I worked until my team leader called me for not telling me that I hadn't received clearance to return to work. Stony Boss had given him a call to ask why I was working when I should be resting and recovering.
What's wrong with me working? There's nothing else to do.
I have browsed a bunch of video and entertainment sites on the internet but none of them look interesting to me. I flipped through the television channels. There's nothing I want to watch or listen to. No online books or stories or graphic stories or manga that I feel like reading. My mood feels as brown and dull and down as the smoky view outside my window.
They hate me. I'm sure they do. I shouldn't have done it. Shouldn't have tried to please them by giving them what they seemed to want but didn't say they wanted. I thought we'd be able to just...
Anyway, it's too late for regrets now. What's done is done. I suppose I'll start looking for work and new accommodation. I was meant to start looking yesterday, but couldn't bring myself to start. What else can I do? Should I do?
Is it my chest or my heart aching?
I want to cry but there's not a single tear.
I find that aside regretting how much trouble I'm in, I don't actually regret initiating that sort of activity. They asked for it. Didn't they? Wasn't it what they wanted?
Wasn't it?
Was I really wrong?
I was, wasn't I?
Wait. What was I thinking, trying to seduce anybody with my scarred and broken body with my broken health? Just one look in the mirror and I feel ashamed. So ashamed. The thought of me making any kind of seductive gesture while looking this awful, what was going through my head? What made me think that I even had a chance to succeed? No wonder they're both horrified.
Also, Stony Boss said that he'd drop out of the running, but he still reacted. Had I somehow trampled on his resolution or something? Is that why he's so furious?
The shameless boss refused to even look at me. I must have thoroughly disgusted him. Any ugly person trying to give that kind of 'come hither' look or beckon would be enough to make a person feel sick to the stomach and want to throw up.
Indeed. My mind is now clearer. What on earth was I thinking?
The men just hadn't wanted to damage my sense of self-worth or self-confidence earlier. Because I am unwell, they were trying to make me feel better.
Well. It's a good thing that nothing happened then. A very good thing.
I miss the hugs though. And the kisses. I miss the attention and the company.
Maybe I'm just a very lonely person. Maybe I'm just desperate. Maybe, because I'm so desperate for love, acceptance and kindness, I should stay away. Yes. It would be better for them and better for me. Safer for everyone all around, so I don't hurt anymore people's feelings by trying to project my needs on them.