Blinking little dots
Of fire and inferno
Pointing the way
______
Once we were done eating, it was time to leave.
"So, you had two Oden, one Miso soup, one Tempura, and two bottles of sake. That would be 8100 Yen."
Kyouma-san brought us the bill.
Subaru had a look at it, and then passed Kyouma-san a ten thousand note from his pocket.
"Arigatou Kyouma-san. Since I got a job today, the change is the tip, please keep it. We shall see you again soon. Good night!"
"Thank you for coming here tonight, Subaru-kun, Fujiwara-kun! Good night!"
Kyouma-san gave us a half bow, and bid us farewell too.
We got up from our seats and walked out of the Izakaya. I took my phone out of my pocket, and checked the time. It was 11:43 PM.
I have been doing that a lot today, because somehow I forgot to put on my wrist watch again. It's not everyday, but it's peculiarly occasional that I forget my wrist watch. For some reason, it just happens, and it happens more often than I would like, or expect it to happen.
Once we are out of the door, it's quiet again. The hustle and bustle of the Izakaya now blocked by the door, out of our mind, and ears.
There is silence, in the night. There would be occasional cars passing, but the world is silent. I like silence. This is not an eerie one though, it is the type you would feel calm in, looking up at the skies, at the stars.
"So, it's time then? Where do you plan to go now? Home, or your place?"
Although Subaru's family home wasn't too far from the campus, he chose to live out on his own in a one room apartment close by the university campus, but on the opposite side of the Kamo river.
"I will just walk, quite sober right now, so it should be okay? How about you? Do you think you can walk? Should I give you my shoulder comrade?"
"We are not in a war, I don't need your shoulder."
"You know life is a war too, right? A war against yourself. You get out of your father's testicles with millions of other you's, and you race against them in the hopes that your other half, will choose you, and not them. Then you make it, and then you are relieved for the next ten months. Then? It all starts again, the moment you come out of that growth chamber, you are out in the world again, fighting this war called life."
"You know your words don't actually sound deep, and thought provoking like you think they do in your head, right?"
He clutches his heart, and sits down on his knees as we walk towards the Kamo river delta. Somehow, somewhere, when we got out of the Izakaya, we wordlessly decided that I'll be walking along with him to the bridge.
"How cruel, Houtarou-kun! How cruel can you be! To so grievously wound the heart of an innocent maiden like mine self!"
"I don't think I've ever seen a maiden with such thick facial hair."
He gets up like nothing happened, and we continue walking along.
"You see Houtarou, what I'm trying to say is, you don't have to be all on your own, you don't have to do it all on your own. You can ask for help, you know that, right?"
"Hmm."
"Say more, idiot. You know I can't read your head."
"There is nothing to read, I wasn't thinking anything. I was just agreeing with you… Yes, maybe I should ask for help, maybe that would serve me well."
"Yes, yes, that's how it is, that's good, now you're thinking in the right direction. See? That's all I meant by taking my shoulder."
As much of an ass he is, it is undeniable that Subaru is an amazing person, and an even better friend. He gets along with most people, even though he has certain eccentricities, but I guess some women would find them adorable.
"I understand, I do. It's just, just the thought of asking for help is mortifying. I just can't make myself do it. It's hard."
"Most things in life are hard to do, but you have to do them anyway. People help, when ask them for it, and some people even readily want to help, but you will have to make the first move, ask them for help first, only then can they take any action in your regard."
He is right. He generally is right about most things, even social situations.. what a smart guy.
"I need some time to myself, you are right, yes, I should ask for help when I can't do anything on my own, but I just really need to get myself mentally ready for all that comes with it. There is not much time left, and yes, I really should be moving, doing things that I need to do, I can't just keep getting by. It's like I forgot all I used to care about, forsook everything I wanted to do, to achieve, and let go of all the dreams I had for things I wanted to build. I can't ask anyone for help, because even if I want to, the shame I feel at the thought of it is too much. How can I ask someone else to help me, when I myself can't do anything to help myself. It feels like I will just be asking them to waste their efforts on me, so I find myself disabled at doing that."
Somewhere along the way, we turned right by the Kamo river bridge, and went towards the delta instead, I don't know why, but Subaru led us here, and I just kept following him while being lost in my head. We are at the side walk now, and Subaru goes and sits on the grass bed on the side of the sidewalk. I follow him, and I lay down my back on the grass. The air is drier now, so the grass is barely moist.
"So, is that why you never ask for help? Because it shames you?"
"I… Yes.. yes, but not entirely. It's partly that, and partly me egoistically believing that if I want to do something, I can do it on my own, that if I want to turn my life around, I will be able to do it on my own. I like to falsely believe in my head that I need no help."
Subaru lays down beside me, with his palms kept behind his head, on the grass, like a thin pillow.
We both look up at the night sky filled with possibly billions of stars, essentially uncountable. Except, that we can't see many of them.
Three days ago, it was a full moon night, so the moon, although just risen, and in the east, is still very bright. The bright light from the moon overpowers the dim twinkles of the farther away stars, and the light pollution in an urban area doesn't help in anyway.
Of what I can still see though, I can recognise, some of them at least. It has been too long since I actually sat down to look at the stars just for the sake of it. And even when I did, it was just glances, like I had forgotten them, the things that I previously loved. Just like the things I used to love.
"It's spring time. We are too late to see Orion, but the Twins are still there."
I said in an attempt to change the topic of conversation. I may have spoken more than I had intended to. Of course, there is not much I can do, I had a moment, I cracked, and inexplicable emotions fizzled out. I would normally not be so impulsive as to let out the thoughts that always bother me, but maybe it was because I was slightly drunk, or I trusted Subaru too much, or both, that I let it all out.
"So, you think you're too good to need anybody's help?"
"No, not really. Or maybe, maybe yes. I just feel like not fixing my life on my own, which I damaged on my own, would be an act of shame. To need help to fix something that I broke with my own hands. Yes, that is what I'm scared of, that is what shames me."
"Have you fixed it yet?"
"What?"
"Have you fixed anything yet? Have you tried to? Surely you did. You did try, on your own, were you able to fix anything? Has anything improved in the past 4 months since that happened?"
"It has nothing to do with that!"
I lashed out.
"That's a lie."
I swallowed words that were coming to my mouth. He is right. My days of misery started from the day my parents divorced each other, they told me that with a phone call. I was with Subaru at that time, we were having lunch, and the I moment the call ended, I handed him my bag, told him in one sentence about what happened, and ran home. I took the first taxi I could find to the railway station. Somehow, the taxi driver too could see I was in a serious hurry. I rushed into the station, while trying to buy a ticket to Osaka as soon as possible, and landed on the first Shinkansen I could get the them for.
It was only when I was in the sitting, sitting in the lone seat by the door that I luckily, or unluckily got, that I even dared to think about anything. Why was I rushing. Why did I panic. There was nothing to it. I wouldn't have achieved anything. I didn't. There was nothing I could have done to change anything. I couldn't. I just ran when I needed to, rushed through people when I needed, and now that I was in the train, and there was no rushing to do, I was empty. I couldn't figure out a thing.
I reached Osaka in barely 25 minutes. It wasn't close, but by Shinkansen, it was close enough.
That day was a sorry affair. My mother didn't shed a tear. My father didn't say a word. They both seemed almost happy, certainly relieved. I, on the other hand, I felt nothing. All I knew was, I could no longer lie to myself, I could no longer tell myself that I had a family. I had none remaining. Only people, but maybe that was still better than what a lot of people get. I should be grateful, I convinced myself of the silver lining, and came back to Kyoto the next morning, back to work, back to university, back to studying.
It only lasted ten days. I became a borderline hikikomori since, only going out for food or my job.
So, to deny that it had no role in my misery would be deliberately lying, all while knowing nobody would believe those lies, not even myself. I may be delusional, but I am not foolish.
"Yes. That may have been it."
"I'm glad, that you can at least accept that now."
We both were still looking up, at the skies, at the stars. The moon was still in the eastern half, so we could at least see some stars in the west.
"Nothing."
"What?"
"Nothing changed since then. I tried, I tried to make things better, go back to university, work, study, write, I could do nothing. For the first two weeks it felt like I could just throw myself into work, into studying, and not think about all that which happened. I thought it would work out for me too, since it does for people. At first it seemed to.. until it didn't. I was exhausted, I gave up, and I fell asleep. I feel drowsy to this day. I just can't wake up. I tried, I tried motivating myself, disciplining myself, but I couldn't, there felt no reason for me to do so. Everything felt useless, worthless, meaningless, and so, I did nothing. I couldn't do anything."
I answered the question I had previously dodged.
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Glossary:
1. Arigatou - Thank you, thanks
2. Shinkansen - Japanese Bullet Train