Deadpool: Hello, my dear readers! Sorry, this isn't a chapter—but it is something even better: Deadpool Fun Facts! And no, it's not about me (tragic, I know). Today's special is all about the MC you all know and either love or lowkey fear. And yes, don't worry—the author totally approved this idea.
Author (tied to a chair next to Deadpool):I absolutely did not. I didn't even have a choice being here!
Deadpool: Oh please, you're being dramatic. You're the writer. You literally control reality in this story.
Author:You had a gun to my head, Wade! What else was I supposed to do?
Deadpool (grinning): Motivation is a powerful tool. Now let's get into the good stuff.
Fun Fact #1: Did you know that the MC you know today wasn't even the original version? That's right! He wasn't going to be a young, genius demigod with a pocket full of powers. Nope. Originally… He was going to be a grizzled old man. Think "Whitebeard from One Piece" meets "Uncle Iroh with superpowers." A total beast in battle, but with a soft spot for kids.
Author:He was literally going to run an orphanage and adopt half of Marvel and DC's and from other universes. Cassandra Cain, Laura Kinney, Rogue, The Runaways, Marie Moreau from gen v, and Eleven from Stranger Things —like all the trauma babies.
Deadpool:And he was still gonna body people in battle like it was Sunday brunch. Wild, right? But then the author scrapped the Whitebeard route and instead gave us the MC we have now: still overpowered, still dangerous, but slightly less wrinkly.
Author:Can we be done now?
Deadpool:Hold your horses. I'm not spoiling anything big like how the MC ends up dating Lena first, or how Steve and Peggy actually get married, or how the MC's future kids come back in time—
Author (yelling):DEADPOOL!! Deadpool (covers mouth):Oops. Okay, okay, that was a tiny spoiler. Barely a spoiler. It's not even a main plot point. Be lucky I didn't talk about Bucky's secret kid.
Author:I swear to God—
Deadpool:Alright folks, gather 'round! Let's talk about someone near and dear to the MC's heart—and by near, I mean divine proximity. Yep, it's the goddess, the one you all won't shut up about in the comments. And yes…
She was married.GASP! That's right, y'all simping for a woman who already tied the knot. Respectfully.
Author: Please, can you all stop? The comment section is getting real weird.
Deadpool: Oh, it's your fault for introducing her with that "step-on-me" energy. Look, if I wasn't married to Vanessa… hoo boy. I'd let that woman do things to me even Vanessa hasn't tried.
Author: Stop.
Deadpool :And by "things," I mean—
Author: DEADPOOL.
Deadpool: Okay, okay, jeez. Let's move on to the juicy stuff:Fun Facts About the MC's Mom, Eliora – the Goddess of Light & Big Mama Energy™
She was abandoned as a child. Yeah. Even gods have tragic backstories. That's why she adopts so many kids—especially the ones nobody else wants. She's building the cosmic version of a found family.
She's scary powerful. Don't let that warm, nurturing smile fool you—Eliora once fought Cthulhu for four million years and won. His head? Mounted on her wall. That's not a metaphor. Actual tentacle skull in the celestial living room.
She has a son. Yep. Y'all met her daughters, but her son hasn't shown up in the story yet. Emphasis on yet.
Author:Deadpool. Stop. Spoiling. Things.
Deadpool:You literally can't stop me. You're tied up again, remember? Also, shoutout to Eliora for being the hottest ancient god mom in multiverse history.
Now let's pivot to some bonus trivia—the author's dark past. Did You Know?This guy right here almost wrote a Twilight fanfic a few months ago.
Author:Okay look—there are just… so many cringe moments in those movies. I couldn't commit.
Deadpool:And yet you had plans. Like, legit lore. There were gonna be two ancient brothers stuck in the void for thousands of years. One was destined to fall for Beautiful, the other for Jane from the Volturi. Yep. Her.
Author:It was a cool idea!
Deadpool:You also gave them insane powers, because let's be real, no one survives in that universe unless they're overpowered. Older brother? werelion and flame manipulation. Younger brother? Demon Slayer-style blood arts without the sun allergy. Honestly? I'd read it.
Author:... Maybe I'll finish it someday.
Deadpool: Do it. And if you don't—I will. But first, let's get back to our main story. Because there's a lot more chaos coming, and I haven't even started teasing the Space Invasion Arc, the multiversal War, or the Great Multiversal Barbecue of 2099.
Author: None of those are confirmed plot points!
Deadpool: Yet.Author:That's it, Vanessa! Get in here!
Deadpool (smug): Nice try, author. But Vanessa doesn't have fourth wall powers. Only I and—(SLAM!)
[A green hand punches the door open. Vanessa enters... with She-Hulk.]
Deadpool (instantly sweating): Uh-oh.
Vanessa (arms crossed, pissed): Yeah, uh-oh. What the hell are you doing? Spoiling parts of the story? And saying you'd smash the MC's mom?
Deadpool (hands up): Wait-wait-wait! I clearly said I'd smash her if we weren't married. That's loyalty! Context matters!Author (grinning):Oh, and he also talked about smashing Lady Death.
Vanessa (slowly turning to Deadpool): Oh really?
Deadpool (panicked): Wait what?! I never said that! Lies! Fabrication! I was misquoted!
[Vanessa walks over, rips off his mask, grabs him by the ear like a misbehaving child.]
Deadpool (being dragged away):Ouch! Vanessa! Come on! He's lying! You know I'd never—
Vanessa (interrupting):—Like you never kissed Shiklah?
Deadpool (defensive): Okay, first, she kissed me and I backed away!Vanessa : After she kissed you a second time. And don't change the subject! You were about to spoil half the story. What happens if you mess up the timeline and our kids get erased, huh? You really want to piss off the author?
Deadpool (shrugs): Pfft, the author won't do that. He's a softy. Total cinnamon roll.
Vanessa (grabbing him by the ear again): We'll talk about your "cinnamon roll" comment when we get home. You are so grounded.Deadpool (being dragged again): Well, dear readers, that brings this edition of Deadpool's Fun Facts to an end. But since the author fuck me at the end. It's only right I do the same…
(turns to camera)
When are you gonna finish your other fanfics? Huh?! Ever gonna wrap them up? Or are you just gonna keep birthing new stories and abandoning the old ones like a distracted goldfish with a keyboard? People are mad, dude!
(Vanessa yanks him through the door.)
Author (muttering):...Hurtful. I might finish them one day…
She-Hulk walked over to the Author, snapping the rope like it was dental floss.
Author(relieved):"Thanks, She-Hulk. I owe you one."
She-Hulk (shrugging): "Anytime. But hey, quick question—when the hell am I getting introduced in the story?"
Author(nervous laugh):"Oh, uh... that's... later. Much later."
She-Hulk (deadpan): "Wow. Is it because people didn't like She-Hulk the show? News flash, I don't even look like Tatiana Maslany here. I look like Alison Brie. Like, 'Community' era. Glowy skin. Perfect hair. Super lawyer."
Author:"Yeah, and also... no? Look, who knows? Maybe you will show up in the later chapters."
She-Hulk (arms crossed):"Might, huh? Okay. Then I might not tell the readers that the MC almost hooked up with Storm."
Author (wide-eyed):"She-Hulk, what the f—"
She-Hulk (grinning):"Oops."She turned and walked toward the door. Then paused.
She-Hulk (over her shoulder): "Also, while I'm at it—you should really finish your Teen Wolf fanfiction. Or at least write another one. Not a lot of quality Teen Wolf fics out there, y'know."
She left, leaving the AN sitting in stunned silence.
Author(grumbling): "First Deadpool, now She-Hulk… my own characters are starting to unionize."