Step after step after step.
The action was repetitive. In fact, it was more repetitive than any other action in my life.
Perhaps that is why I felt so free right now.
No complicated thoughts, completely automated moves.
I could metaphorically turn my brain off.
Unfortunately―
'This is... awkward.'
There was a person right next to me.
He was doing the same repetitive action, but unlike me, he was feeling happy because of it.
I was just forgetting about my worries, but he was actually happy.
It felt weird, of course it would. At my time of absolute respite, someone else was right there. Of course it would be a bit uncomfortable.
I would rather be alone in this kind of situation.
Still, it's not like I had the heart to tell him off, so I had to deal with this discomfort.
It felt a bit annoying, but in my situation a minor annoyance is nothing compared to all of the other emotions I was hiding away.
So, it was fine. I didn't like it, but it was fine.
Samar was fine.
***
"Lies. I hate lies a lot."
Such was my answer to the question.
The girl beside me nodded in agreement.
"I don't like lies either... but I think I hate pain more. I mean, lies can sometimes be good, can't they? Pain is always unpleasant."
She was right, but that didn't change my opinion. I could take pain, but I couldn't take not knowing something because of a lie.
"I feel like pain is too broad of a term though. It feels like a cop-out answer. Do you have anything more focused?"
She scrunched up her face in thought.
"Loneliness...?"
"You sounded pretty unsure there."
"Well, I never thought about that question that seriously. But now that I think about it... loneliness feels scary. I don't think I can just live alone by myself."
She doesn't seem to get along with all the other energetic kids our age, so she is the person you would call a loner.
And yet, she was afraid of loneliness? Life didn't give her a good hand.
I also didn't get along with the other kids my age in this village, but I was fine with being lonely, and I wasn't lonely in the first place because of Jagon and Angelica. So, I couldn't properly empathize with her.
'We don't have any common interests, and yet, she keeps trying to make conversation. Just how desperate can a person be...?'
She still had her parents, her life was a normal life. It was nothing compared to the twists and turns of mine.
...
"The world always manages to screw you over, no matter who you are. The important thing is screwing it back. Anelle, you can't at all match the energy of other kids your age, right?"
She sadly smiles.
"Yes. Whenever I try to play with them, I can't help but feel lightheaded. I even passed out once."
I look at her again.
White hair, white eyes, white skin. Even the clothes she wore were white.
I've never before seen a person that fit the color white as much as her. When looking at her pure white and at all the other colors people have in this world, it truly does make it clear just how fantasy of a world this is.
"Then just don't. You don't have to match their energy. In fact, you don't have to deal with them at all. In this village, there are people of all ages. Like Angelica, you can look after the kids. Or, you can go ahead and talk with some elders about this and that. You don't have to be so narrow minded."
Her finger traced the ground.
"I guess... but I think I'm fine for now."
The expression she was making, the curled up pose she was sitting in, all of it would activate protection instincts of any man.
Unluckily for her, I was just a boy right now.
"I plan on leaving. Maybe not right now nor in a couple of months, but I'll definitely leave. If you don't get close to anyone during that time, you'll regret it."
She pressed her legs even closer to her body. I sighed.
"Alright, I'll put it in a different way. You'll feel pain beyond what you ever felt before."
She has existed before I came to this village, so she has already felt loneliness before.
The problem was the fact that she tasted what companionship was like. Now, loneliness will bite just that much harder.
"...I'll be fine."
I shrugged.
"Suit yourself."
I didn't care much. Yes, she was a helpless girl, but so what? I mattered more.
I warned her, but I wouldn't do much else. Why would I? It would take too much of my effort and time, something I can't spare.
It was her life, her problems.
'―――'
Our conversations will continue as normal. She is too lazy to try something new. She doesn't think of the future.
Someone like her, a loner afraid of loneliness, would never try for a companionship she didn't see as needed. Just one was fine.
'―Fine! Fine, I'll do something!'
A helpless girl like her made me want to do something. Perhaps my strange life had made me a man a bit earlier than my age would suggest.
That said, helping her... left a very bitter taste in my mouth.
***
"Why... why do you keep running with me?"
I could not comprehend it. No, that is not quite right. I could easily comprehend the personality required for that, but I still couldn't help but ask.
I was getting faster by the day, and yet, he always matched my pace. This meant that he was holding back from the beggining.
Why would he reduce his efficiency? Why would he willingly do something like that?
Samar smiled.
"I know that I'm weird. No one in their right mind would ever train as much as I do while still enjoying it. You are not an exception. You may train as much as me, if not more, but you clearly don't enjoy it."
His eyes sparkle.
"But I like training. I notice it, you know? The small little changes that my body goes through. Every single minute that passes, I can feel my muscles change, I can feel myself becoming stronger. Nobody notices that, but I do."
He frowns.
"...But even though I understand that I'm the weird one, it still feels lonely. Nobody trains with me since they either don't want to or know they won't be able to keep up. I have accepted the feeling of loneliness, it would be no good for me to feel downcast just because of that. ...But it still feels nice to train alongside somebody else. If I have the chance, why not take it?"
"I'm sure there are other people you could train with though. Why me specifically?"
"I should probably tell you this, but almost none of the hunters ever train. They are strong enough as they are, why spend extra time training when they can spend time on something they actually like? Yes, there are a couple of outliers... but they are overly serious. They do not want any distractions nor any disruptions."
...So it's because I didn't tell him off? Yeah, I guess that makes sense.
I looked at his profile again.
This was a person who has accepted his loneliness. He did not put on a mask to make fake friends, nor is he wallowing somewhere in a corner.
No, he has accepted it, and is dealing with that negative emotion by doing something he loves.
In front of me was a strong person.
A person who has figured out his life and accepted it.
'...Wow.'
Genuine admiration. Was it weird? No, it was not.
To have your way figured out in life, to accept your bad circumstances and deal with them with a smile... that is an accomplishment worth admiration.
Most people say that changing your surroundings is hard, but accepting what you have and figuring out ways to be happy despite them is something much harder to do.
'...Wait, why is Samar kinda cool?'
Why was this training freak that was making my runs less enjoyable looking so cool in my vision?
I rubbed my eyes, but he still looked cool.
'Nono, that can't possibly be right.'
I shook my head, but the way the sun beautifully shone across his face didn't change.
'...Okay then, I guess I now admire this guy.'
For someone like me, who had a life so full of weird bumps and who himself was very unstable, Samar couldn't help but be incredible, it seems.
***
My brow furrowed.
"Hey, why are you walking away?"
He did not answer, his back turned to me.
I stood up and started following him.
"Answer me. Please, Faun?"
He did not look back. Even when I caught up to him and stood in front of him, he just ignored me and walked past me.
Not a word, not a glance, not even a reaction.
Nothing.
Faun was completely ignoring me.
"I... I see. Well, it was fun while it lasted."
It was fine. I had been lonely my whole life, so this wasn't anything new.
My parents... tolerated me. They didn't hate me, but they didn't care about me either.
They knew they were responsible for my life, but they didn't do anything beyond that. Food and shelter. That is all my parents gave me.
'Well, no wonder. I am a freak after all.'
My hair wasn't purple or orange like my parents'. My eyes weren't green or blue either. My skin was deathly pale.
White all around.
It isn't uncommon to have white hair and eyes, but it is weird when those colors don't match the parents' colors.
So, I am definitely weird. A freak of nature.
Despite that, people didn't hate me. Everyone in this village was very nice.
But it was hard not to catch those looks of 'Why is she so different?'
They didn't mean any harm, it was just a natural human reaction, I understood that.
But it hurt. That fact didn't change.
Perhaps that is why I started talking with Faun.
Faun also gave me that look, he wasn't an exception in that regard... but Faun gave that look to everyone.
'Why is everyone like this?' is the quality Faun's eyes had.
I was not the only one who was different in his eyes. That is what gave me the courage to start talking with him.
It didn't go too well. He didn't support the conversation, I pretty much had to be the one doing all the talking.
He slowly started talking more, but even then, it felt like he just wanted me leave.
And now, he was completely ignoring me.
I sit under the shade of a tree.
My eyes naturally drift to the other kids my age, playing without a care in the world.
My finger starts tracing the dirt.
'Back to the usual.'
***
There are certain types of people who will not do something unless pushed.
I am exactly that type of person.
Unless something is necessary or it is something I want to do, I will not do it.
Which is why―
"Will you really not help me with washing clothes?"
Even if it was Angelica who was asking me, I would continue spending my time lazily.
"I don't really know how to wash clothes. I will mess something up if I do it, so it's better for me to just sit back."
I cock my head to the side.
"In the first place, if you want help, you can always ask Jagon to do it with magic. You can't just tell him "I want to clean clothes with my own hands." and then ask for help afterwards."
She wryly smiles.
"I guess so... At first I thought it would feel nice, kind of like sewing, but I might regret it now."
With that, she took the washboard, the dirty clothes and soap and then started walking outside.
I couldn't help but chuckle at that.
"But you're too stubborn to go back on your word, huh?"
She smiles like an angel.
"If we have a daughter, I will have to teach her, no? It would be no good for me to be without experience at that point in time."
I nodded.
"That's a very good excuse."
For just the shortest of moments, I felt like her smile changed to a smirk.
"I learned from the best."
With that, she walked out of the house.
I was left alone with my thoughts.
'Learned from the best...'
I sighed and looked at the ceiling.
"I truly do have a nasty personality."
***
"Huh? W-what do you mean?"
"Samar, Molnus, Kiara and Pitara... died. Kumorsh hunting season came early again, and they were too close to the river. By the time we realized what happened... it was too late."
I had just come back from my hunt... why the hell was this the first thing I hear?
'I am still in my gear. I am a bit dirty, but that's not a problem. My dagger doesn't need sharpening and my mana's almost full, so―'
"I'm going."
Jagon held my shoulder.
"You shouldn't. I understand how you feel, but they were hunters, they knew the risks. They were ready to die."
At that, my teeth clenched and wrath surged from deep within.
"Ready to die?! Are you kidding me?! That's easy to say until you're literally dying, you know?! I'M GOING!"
I took a step forward... but stopped.
I touched my stomach underneath the clothes. On it was a reminder... a reminder of what happens when you allow your emotions to blind you.
I started Thinking.
'I shouldn't let my emotions get the better of me. Yes, the situation is bad... no, it is the worst, but that is exactly the reason why I cannot rush. All the other hunters are no use, they won't be able to resist the gas. Jagon most likely also can't, otherwise he would be the first person to run to help.'
That led to one conclusion.
"Call Angelica. She's stronger than you, no? She should be able to resist the gas. We'll go together and try to save the others."
Jagon shook his head.
"Angelica also isn't going."
What? Not even Angelica?
"Why?"
He sighed.
"Because it is Kumorsh we are talking about. It is the APEX PREDATOR! We don't stand a chance against it. Sure, it might be strong, but that's not the reason it is so difficult to kill. It's because of its intelligence. Do you think a dumb monster would be smart enough to use a river like it does?! Its intelligence borders on ours! It is one of the ten smartest monsters on the continent for Solevitasn's sake! Do you think I and Angelica haven't tried killing it before? Of course we did! And we failed! Our sneak attack failed even though it was asleep, all our tacticts were seen through and countered, and while we did leave without any wounds while managing to hurt it, we were out of mana while it still seemed to be going strong! And now that wound is probably already healed!"
He pushed a finger into my forehead.
"Don't. Be. Stupid. I understand it is hard, I do, but you shouldn't run to your demise like that."
...
It hurt. It really hurt.
Sure, the only person I knew well in that group was Samar... but it was still painful.
'But... sure, I'll take it.'
It could've been worse, it could've been better, but I don't care. Thinking about ifs is stupid.
I nodded to myself. I nodded to myself again.
I cracked my neck.
"Alright then. Good, even. I'll be going to train, Jagon."
I walked home confidently, my steps purposefully wide.
***
My hands were weak, but unlike normally, it wasn't because I worked too hard or because I consumed poison, but purely because my mind was burdened.
Even though I had to write, my hands didn't move.
"Haaa, I'm kinda pathetic, huh?"
I could let literally anyone help me get through this, but I was instead wallowing in my room alone.
It was the smallest bit of pride I had left, and I wasn't willing to lose it.
...
"No, it is not pride. It is stupid fear."
I was afraid of opening up to the people around me. I didn't want to show weakness. All because I was afraid of betrayal.
I had been betrayed not once, but twice, and in a row at that. Now, whether I liked it or not, the fear of betrayal was deep.
Once I become strong enough...
"Yeah, but that's far away, ain't it? I have to find a solution that works for right now."
The hole in my heart wasn't big right now. The death of Samar didn't affect me that much. I am not nearly sensitive enough for something like that to make me depressed or anything.
No, what I had to be prepared for was my morning run. Or more accurately, just running in general.
I had gotten used to running with Samar, so used to it that the silences we have have transitioned from awkward to reassuring.
His confident smiling profile, and his stable life that he has accepted... it will be hard not to miss that.
"I am not fine..."
It was my first time losing someone this close to me. I have been quite lucky in the past to not lose somebody like this.
Of course the first time would hurt, it was obvious. Of course my body would feel weak, it was evident. Of course my moral would be lowered, it was clear.
"...but that's fine."
From this, I will go mad faster. But that doesn't matter. Because the moment I become Faun, I will not exist.
It doesn't matter if I am not fine. It doesn't matter if I am hurting. It doesn't matter if I want to cry.
Because at the end of the day, I will not exist.
"So I will just do nothing."
Adding a droplet to the ocean of emptiness will not change a thing. Not even a hundred will.
So why waste this body's time and effort on me when Faun will need it.