"Yanister, would you care to explain why there are so many trees in the wild that have been split clean down the middle recently?"
A familiar conference room. A familiar League Chairwoman. A familiar Steven. A familiar Yanister. A familiar Officer Jenny. But this time, the topic of discussion was anything but familiar.
"How the hell should I know why those trees got chopped in half?!" Yanister couldn't help but snap.
It wasn't like he went out there and chopped those trees himself. If anything, he wished he could transform every inch of desertified land into lush forest—why on earth would he be out there doing the opposite?
He sighed inwardly with a hint of helplessness. After all, the Pokémon Environmental Improvement and Maintenance Department —his department—was usually one of those low-profile teams in the League, quietly doing real work without any drama.
But this year, it was already the second time he'd been summoned personally by the Chairwoman. And to be honest, it was starting to irritate him.
The League Chairwoman shot him a glance before silently pressing the play button. A blurry surveillance feed lit up the monitor in front of them. Yanister recognized it—it was one of the fire hazard prevention cameras that the League had installed in the wild. But what did this have to do with today's issue?
Then the footage showed a Cacturne and a Shiftry. The two Pokémon climbed up a large tree, then abruptly sat down on the trunk, and in the next moment—they split the tree clean down the middle using their crotches.
Afterwards, the two Pokémon seemed to be chatting casually as they hopped around, patted each other on the shoulder, and wandered off together.
"Does this look familiar to you?" the Chairwoman asked, glancing at Yanister again. He rubbed his face with both hands.
Familiar? Of course it looked familiar.
Not long ago, Edward had submitted a comedic short film. Yanister had watched it himself. The star, a character named Tom—a persian—had cracked him up for the first time in a long while. Naturally, he remembered that infamous scene very well. In fact, at the Chairwoman's request, he had even instructed his subordinates to mix it into the rotation with the other horror shorts so they weren't always just showing Lights Out.
But the Chairwoman wasn't done yet.
"If that's not enough, how about this?" she said as she pressed play again.
This time the footage came from a rural village, apparently from a farmer's home security camera. The image quality was sharper, and it even included audio.
On-screen, another Meowth appeared—this one wild. It snuck up toward a large tree, acting all shifty. Then, it confidently spread its legs and attempted to split the tree down the middle—just like Tom had done in the short film. When it didn't work at first, the Meowth got visibly frustrated, moved over to a smaller tree, even used a move to assist—and crack, it split it. Then it let out a weirdly familiar and absurd screech of triumph before walking off, apparently very satisfied with itself.
"So?" the Chairwoman asked again. "Ring a bell?"
Yanister could no longer keep a straight face.
That was exactly like the crotch-splitting scene from the Tom short. It was a nearly perfect imitation! What the heck was this? Pokémon's Got Talent: Mimicry Edition?!
Then the Chairwoman began playing more footage—clips pulled straight from the PoképokéTV, featuring the very scene in question.
She'd even gone so far as to cut specifically to the moment when Tom the Persian performed the crotch-split tree move. Everyone in the room watched as Tom leapt into the air, slammed his crotch into the tree, split it, and let out that unmistakable, unhinged cry of victory.
"In recent weeks," the Chairwoman began reading from a report with a neutral expression, "a significant number of trees in the Hoenn wilderness have been found split down the middle. According to Professor Birch's research, it appears that this 'crotch-splitting-tree' behavior has been adopted by certain wild Pokémon as a sort of trendy fad."
Yanister began sweating profusely.
He was finally starting to understand the real reason the Chairwoman had summoned him.
"And now," she continued, "we're even seeing a case of Pokémon teaching it to other Pokémon. Reports are coming in from islands near Hoenn where multiple species have started attempting the crotch split. Look here."
The Chairwoman laid out a few photographs on the table. One of them showed a Garchomp—in somehow—performing a crotch-split on a palm tree. The tree had indeed been split in half. No one could figure out how the heck it had even climbed up there, but the deed was done.
She placed the photos on the conference table and turned to Steven.
"Yanister, what's your opinion on this matter?" she asked with a strangely calm tone.
Yanister took a deep breath and wiped the sweat from his forehead.
"I... I think I'll sit down for this opinion," he replied, essentially giving up.
Come on, how was this his fault? Sure, he'd approved the short film's airing, but it wasn't like he'd done it without permission—the League had cleared it! There were no scary or harmful elements. It was meant to be funny!
Blaming him now? That wasn't fair!
"Technically speaking, no laws have been broken," Officer Jenny chimed in, all business as usual. "While the trees have indeed suffered some damage, the majority of them survived the splitting. They'll simply live the rest of their lives with a permanent... gap."
The Chairwoman's eye twitched.
She could tell Jenny was barely suppressing a laugh.
That was it. She'd had enough.
These people... every single one of them was hopeless!
Couldn't anyone just make her job a little easier?
"At this rate," the Chairwoman said grimly, "I feel like Hoenn is about to become known for a new landmark: a forest of split trees."
Her expression was thunderous. She had watched the short film herself when it was first submitted, and had found it amusing. So, she had greenlit it, and even asked Yanister to broadcast it to the wild Pokémon population. But who could've predicted this outcome?
"Pfft—"
Yanister couldn't help it. A snort of laughter escaped him.
"YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?!" the Chairwoman suddenly slammed her palm down on the table—crack! The table split clean in two.
Yanister froze. His smile disappeared instantly.
He now noticed the bulging veins and taut muscle on the Chairwoman's arm.
Oh no.
He'd almost forgotten—this League Chairwoman could go toe-to-toe with a Machamp in hand-to-hand combat. She was a monster in human form, known for being stronger than most Pokémon.
If she decided to lay into him, he'd be lucky to survive it.
"Chairwoman," Officer Jenny chimed in again, this time with a bit of dry humor in her tone. "I understand your frustration, especially considering that your own Infernape recently mimicked the film and split three trees in your courtyard. But maybe don't let your emotions interfere with your official duties."
The entire room fell silent.
Yanister lowered his head, pinching the flesh of his thigh as hard as he could—hoping the pain would help him suppress the grin tugging at the corners of his lips.
Steven took a deep breath. His shoulders were shaking slightly.
He knew that Infernape. It had even battled against his Metagross once—pretty formidable. But he hadn't expected it, too, to have been influenced by a comedy short film.
The Chairwoman's face was now pitch black with fury. She stared daggers at Officer Jenny, who maintained her expressionless poker face as if nothing had happened.
"Well then," the Chairwoman finally said after a long exhale, "let's discuss how we're going to deal with this situation."
She knew Officer Jenny had a point—she was letting her emotions get in the way. But this wasn't just some small incident anymore.
This was about Hoenn's public image!
Especially with the League's high-level summit coming up in a few days, where every Champion from every region would be gathering in Hoenn...
(End of Chapter)
(TN: Not a very funny chapter for me and probably for some of you guys. Can't really remember Tom and Jerry anymore.)