"No way!" She yelled out once she figured out what the digits stood for. Her hands spread across her chest, covering her already fully clothed body.
I could only shrug.
"Maybe you did it! Maybe you changed my background picture! After all, you know my password!!!"
She was deep in denial and I know nothing I said could change her mind. But I also know from her recent memory loss, not answering her questions would only aggravate the situation and worsen her condition.
"I swear, I did not go through your phone."
"Who knows? You could have lied."
At this moment, I felt like living in a loop again. The feeling of déjà vu stirred inside me like a warning. Gone was the humorous atmosphere as it turned darker. Seeing her about to spiral had never been a nice feeling. Although the exchange was in regards to her phone, the situation is not any different with the rest of her worries at that time. I knew the conversation was not going anywhere. She already had an answer she wanted to hear. I could humour her but if I lie now, it would come back and bite me in the ass. Do I truly want that?
"Let's say I lied—"
"See!!" She shouted. I could see the manic relief reflected in her eyes and I should have chosen to stop talking. But selfishly, I did not.
"What would that resolve?" I asked. I wanted to make her see logic, that everything would be fine, before she resorted to avoidance. But as we all know it, the truth is always bitter and the lie is always sweeter.
"I don't know. How would I know?"
There! It took me time to find it but now I could finally see her tipping point. She was already on the verge of losing herself again.
Her hands was already clamping onto her head. Her fingers were clawing behind her ears as though removing them would solve her denial. It was heart wrenching for me! I wanted to hug her, protect her from any harm and soothe her worries. It took every ounce of my strength to restrain myself from holding her, especially when we were just on the topic on sensitive issues.
"Maisie," I said in a firm and calm but raised voice. I had to quickly distract her from falling deeper again. I kept on calling her name until she looked me in the eye. "Take a deep breath," I instructed and poured her a glass of cold water with a medicinal tablet next to it.
In the meantime, I opened all the windows in the house, letting cool fresh air to aerate the negative energies and prayed that the sun's heat would somehow boost her mood. My eyes never left her out of my sight. Whether she took a sip of the ice cold water or when she began to hyperventilate, I was ready!
"Breathe", You're doing great" and "You're safe" were my only chants to her, waiting for her to calm down without a single touch from me. Even when her hair was sticking to her face when she broke into cold sweat, I dared not brush them away. All I could do was lend a helping hand with my voice so she would not feel alone.
After an awfully long half an hour, I could see life breathing back into her eyes. Her rapid breathing had slowed down but it was laborious breathing nonetheless.
"Sorry," she whispered as she gave me an apologetic look in her eyes.
"Don't be. There's nothing to apologise for," I reassured her. With me crouching down, my hand was itching to hold hers but I know that would bring relief more to me than her.
"I-It's just weird, you know. All of that does not feel like me at all!"
How do I even respond to her? I could not say I know when I have never been in her shoes. I could not say I understand because I am only seeing from an outsider's perspective. What goes on in her head was only something she had experienced and I bet if she were to explain it all to me, I would not be able to understand the feelings she went through. All I could do was listen.
"The book. The phone. When have I become such a lewd person? I feel so dirty!" Her face buried behind her hands as she revealed to me her innermost thoughts.
"I don't see it as you being lewd," I whispered my disagreement back.
"Stop it. You don't have to pacify me."
"I mean it. The way I see it, is how much you love me as I love you. I see it as you being this sweet —"
"Pfft! What's so sweet when the photo is evident I am gobbling down on you?" She handed the phone to me.
"It's sweet since it is an act of love."
"It could be lust!"
"But it is directed to only me, right?"
"Maybe. I don't know."
"If it is not directed to me, don't you think your password would not symbolise us? And if it's only lust, would you even be in the background photo and shield my private parts?"
"I don't know. I mean, what if I'm just crazy about you?" She whined. It seemed as though she was pushing me away but her eyes begged to differ. She wanted reassurance so badly and for her, I had no shortage of that.
"I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm far more crazy for you than you are to me."
"You don't understand. You read my book! Did you not see the way I objectify you in my last entry?" She passed the yellow book to me, flipping the pages hard until it reached the page she desired.
"There is nothing about objectification here. If you want me to be honest, the way I see it is how I have done a great job in satisfying you," I said sincerely with a content smile. One that would reach my ears.
"Maybe. B-but didn't you read this? Don't you find it repulsive?"
"Not at all. I find it a turn-on actually."
"Still…"
I knew she was somewhat convinced by my words but she needed just another push.
"Look. If it's truly lust, I think the book would be full of them. Not that there's anything wrong with it either! But apart from the recent entry, don't you think there's more to it than just lust?"
Her head nodded slowly and her cute lips pouted, making them look quite irresistible.
"Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I truly do appreciate them," I said. My hand instinctively moved on its own, grabbing her hand and giving it a peck. It was something I frequently do to her. Thankfully she did not jerk her hand away or rejected me. It was then I truly believed the phrase 'the mind may forget but the body does not' to be true.