That night was the first time in Qin Guan's life that he "conversed" with his mother.
An abnormal conversation between two normal people. A fierce conversation.
"Who do you want to tell? Do you want to tell my teacher? Tell the sponsor? Do you want the sponsorship to fall through? Then trap me here? Trap me here for life?"
He stood on the bed, wearing thin but brand-new thermal underwear—the most comfortable clothes Qin Guan had ever worn, all bought by the sponsor.
His small, thin frame and his two small fists trembled with agitation and fury.
"Guan'er, I just hope you can recognize the mistake you've made. It's a serious mistake. You must face it to correct it..."
His crazy mother's eyes were filled with earnest sincerity.
"What do I need to recognize? Face? Correct? What exactly did I do wrong?" Qin Guan ground his teeth, deciding to lay it bare. "It was just a stray dog! Yes, I chopped it to death! So what? Didn't it deserve it? Who told it to follow me around all day? Don't you know it made me lose all face? Huh? It's just a dog! Was I wrong to kill it?"
"It was just a poor dog. It followed you because I fed it. It never harmed you..." Tears welled in his crazy mother's eyes.
"Making me lose face is harm! Is harm!"
"Making you lose face is harm... I know. I've made you lose face too..."
His crazy mother's voice lowered. Shame and heartache bowed her head. After a long moment, she continued, "I read that essay of yours. You wrote so well, truly. You're a clever child, a good child. Brilliant writing, heartfelt emotion..."
"Shut up! Shut up! You know perfectly well that's fake! Fake!"
Qin Guan was utterly enraged—that emotionally charged essay, others could read it, admire him, feel sorry for him, that was fine. But his crazy mother? Absolutely not. Because she knew full well those words were false, fabricated!
Her praise was like a sharp knife, stabbing through his hypocrisy right to his face.
"You're disgusting! Disgusting!"
Qin Guan felt like his teeth would shatter from clenching. He simply stopped pretending. Yes, at that moment, he couldn't pretend. He felt a torrent of rage surging out, burning his chest hot, driving him wild. "The words in that essay are all lies! You know it in your heart! You know it! I've never loved either of you! Especially you!"
He paced furiously back and forth on the narrow bed. His trembling finger pointed at her, filled with loathing. "I hate you! I detest you! You disgust me! You're just a crazy woman! A dirty, disgusting madwoman!"
"Guan'er..."
His crazy mother lifted her head, her eyes now filled with tears.
"Don't call me Guan'er! Don't! Shut up—"
Qin Guan jumped up, shrieking, recoiling from the intimate, affectionate term like a startled hedgehog.
"Don't call me that! Do you have any idea how sick it makes me? I'd rather you stayed crazy! Why did you have to wake up? Why call me that?"
"Yes... I wish I were still mad too. Mad, then I wouldn't know these things... wouldn't know how I've lived all these years..." His crazy mother sobbed, immense pain making her frail body hunch even more.
She was speaking of the suffering she had endured over the past ten-odd years.
Qin Guan shook his head disdainfully. She wouldn't get his pity. Never!
"You brought it on yourself! You deserved it!"
His gaze was icy as he looked at the woman. The words squeezed from between his teeth were colder still. "Why didn't you just die back then? If you had died, how much better it would have been! Maybe someone would have pitied me, been willing to take me in. I could have had another mother, another father! Then I wouldn't have had to live like this!"
His crazy mother looked up, stunned, staring at Qin Guan in disbelief.
"You... you wished I were dead?"
Qin Guan didn't answer.
No lamp was lit in the room. Cold, desolate moonlight streamed silently through the window frame, spilling over his small, thin body, over his calm, indifferent face.
Yes, the fury had burned away all his strength and the protective coloring of his pretense. He was completely calm now.
The calm him. The real him.
"You wished I had died long ago? So you could have a different life?" His crazy mother couldn't believe her ears, still clutching a sliver of hope, looking expectantly at her own son.
"Yes. You dying would have been good. But it's not too late now," Qin Guan replied flatly. "The sponsor likes me very much. I overheard him talking privately with the teacher. He said I was so pitiful, but I have parents, I don't meet the adoption rules..."
As if hearing the sound of her hope snapping, his crazy mother slumped as if her spine had been removed.
She sat on the edge of the bed, motionless as a statue. He didn't know how long passed before she finally drew a shaky breath. Then she took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and after a long moment, struggled to her feet and slowly walked towards the door.
She walked out of the room, but didn't go to her own bed. Instead, she headed for the main door.
"Where are you going?"
Qin Guan asked coldly.
She didn't answer, continuing towards the main door.
"Where are you going?" Qin Guan asked a second time.
She still didn't answer.
Qin Guan closed his mouth. He jumped down from the bed, barefoot, strode to the kitchen, grabbed the kitchen knife from the stove top, and rushed straight for the main door—at that moment, he hadn't planned anything. His mind held no plan, no purpose. This seamless action came purely from some instinct deep within his body.
"Dad, I am scum. I betrayed Ruyi. I failed the feelings she had for me. I'm not worthy to be her husband, not worthy to be your son."
Qin Guan reined in his flooding thoughts and slapped himself hard again, forcing himself back to reality.
Last time, he was young, but he already knew how to handle such conflicts—when a secret is discovered, when a secret faces exposure, when a secret seriously threatens him, what he needs to do is stop it at all costs. Strangle the secret.
"Dad, Dad..."
Qin Guan pushed that night away—this time, he was mature, rational. This time, he would definitely win.
Because he could see the whole picture clearly. Because he had a way to deal with his father-in-law. And most importantly, because he and Xu Ruyi had deep feelings and a child together.
He had absolute confidence in victory.
"It was my fault. I cheated. I betrayed Ruyi. I betrayed you all."
Admit the fault first.
Then deny the fact.
"But, Dad, what were you just saying? Three years ago, Mom was angered to death by me? Dad, in your heart, is Qin Guan nothing but an animal? A beast worse than pigs or dogs? How could I possibly do such a terrible thing?"
His eyes reddened. His gaze was full of pain and immense grievance—