Summer. It was supposed to be our season.
Shin said we'd talk every day. Every single day. He promised, his voice soft on the call that day before school ended. I held onto that like a lifeline. We counted down to summer together. I imagined late-night calls, daily updates, laughing until my stomach hurt.
But three days passed.
No texts.
No voice notes.
No pings.
Just silence.
And with that silence came a strange, creeping panic. Not loud or dramatic, but a quiet, gnawing dread in my chest. My mind kept spinning worst-case scenarios — what if something happened to him? What if he was hurt? Or worse? Each second without a word from him became heavier than the last.
I hovered over our chat box more times than I could count, typing out messages like, 'Are you okay?', 'Where are you?', or just a simple 'Shin?' — but I never hit send. I'd delete them just as fast, afraid of seeming desperate or clingy. But in truth, I was scared. Terrified that something real had gone wrong, and I was here, helpless on the other side of a screen.
My heart lived in my throat. My fingers itched to reach out, but my fear held them back. I started rereading our last texts, looking for clues, anything I missed. But they all ended with hope. He sounded so certain. So there.
And now, just... nothing.
I tried to stay calm, thinking maybe he was just busy. Maybe something small. But the longer it dragged on, the more my chest ached. Something wasn't right.
He moved from Instagram to Discord. I noticed it, the switch. I asked him once before the silence began, "Why Discord all of a sudden?" No reply.
Still, I waited. I told myself maybe he was studying. Maybe his parents took his phone. Maybe he was tired. Maybe maybe maybe.
Days became weeks.
Weeks became two months and a half.
I wrote in my journal, stared at the ceiling at 3am, listened to our old voice messages over and over. I even started whispering to the dark, like he could somehow hear me. I watched the only picture that he had sent me. Read our old messages like they were sacred scripture.
I got tired of pretending everything was okay.
Then, one lazy summer afternoon, scrolling through old posts, I spotted a strange comment:
"Text me."
Weird avatar. No profile pic. Just a dark silhouette. The username was unfamiliar. It felt...off.
I ignored it for three days. Thought it was spam. Or worse, a scam.
Then a DM popped up.
"hi"
"who are you?"
"can you guess?"
"WHO ARE YOU??"
"who do you think I am, lola?"
My heart dropped. No one else called me that.
It was him. Shin.
"Lola," he wrote again, message after message flooding in, "I sent you many messages on Discord but you didn't see it."
I froze.
Discord.
Oh God. I hadn't opened it in weeks. MONTHS.
"I forgot my email and password," he messaged.
"I can't use it anymore. I wanted to talk to you all the time."
My hands trembled.
Then came more.
He texted many messages to me.
"I love that you aren't so emotional now, Lola."
"I still love you the same."
"Tell me all of your stories, Lolaa."
"I missed them so much."
"And about your medications..."
It wasn't just some messages. It was a timeline. A history. A trail of his pain and efforts.
And buried in the message history...
April 16th, 2024
BOOKY — 17:43
"lola are you there....."
"lolaaa"
"i forgot my insta password"
"i can't come there"
"that's why i couldn't come"
"i hope you understand"
"i hope you come here"
"i didn't forget about you"
"and i miss you a lot my lola"
"i hope my princess is doing fine"
June 17th, 2024
BOOKY — 04:10
"LOLAAAAA"
BOOKY — 16:50
"PLEASE FORGIVE ME"
"PLEASE COME HERE"
"I FORGOT MY INSTA PASSWORD"
"CAN'T ACCESS IT"
"I MISS YOU SO MUCH"
"YOU THINK I LEFT YOU"
"I DIDN'TTTT"
June 18th, 2024
"lola please come here"
"i forgot my damn password"
June 20th
"lola can you please come here"
"i miss you a lot"
"so much"
June 21st
"lola i had a really long day"
"i miss you so much"
"i will tell you all about it"
"i made a new insta account"
"but i can't remember your username"
"please log in here once"
"please"
June 29th
"lolaaaaa"
Each message was like a dagger in my heart. He never left.
He was just locked out.
All this time, he was screaming into the void, trying to reach me through broken passwords and forgotten usernames. I thought he had moved on. That he had ghosted me.
But he was right there. Desperate. Looking.
And I had no idea.
I felt guilt pour over me like ice water. I had doubted him. Cried over him. Cursed his name under my breath. And yet he'd been trying. Really trying.
My chest tightened. I replied through tears blurring my vision:
"I thought you disappeared. But you just got lost."
He answered almost instantly:
"I always find my way back to you."
I stared at the screen, heart racing, mouth trembling. That one sentence undid all the knots in my stomach. All the cold nights I lay awake thinking he had forgotten me. All the pain melted into warmth.
My fingers hovered over the keyboard. What do I even say to someone who never gave up on me, even when I gave up on hope?
"Tell me everything," I wrote.
"Everything I missed. Start from the beginning. I'm here now."
And this time, I meant it.
I wouldn't miss another message again.