Freya had officially run out of reasons to say no.
Not because she agreed with Pixel's increasingly unhinged suggestions, but because at this point, she was too tired to argue. The last few weeks had been a non-stop carousel of exploding vegetables, weaponized desserts, and meat-based monstrosities.
So when Pixel handed her a clipboard titled "Quest Quotas: Freelance Adventurer Compliance Form #37-F (Revised)" Freya simply blinked, turned the page, and sighed.
"Ten more quests?" she muttered. "Why does this sound like a homework assignment for people who live dangerously?"
Pixel beamed. "You're technically behind! As a licensed adventurer of the Republic of Questylvania, you are expected to complete at least one whimsical quest per week."
"Whimsical?"
"Yes! Tasks may include: cat rescues, potion delivery, solving riddles, interpretive dance duels with sentient raccoons…"
Freya facepalmed. "Give me the stupid clipboard."
---
Quest 1: Save the Mayor's Daughter's Pet Rock (Again)
"He's stuck on the roof," the mayor said, pointing to a two-story cottage.
Freya tilted her head. "Your daughter... threw the rock onto the roof?"
"No, it climbed up there. Dwayne has ambitions."
Freya climbed, retrieved the perfectly ordinary rock, and was rewarded with a sticker that said "World's Best Hero." She stuck it on Pixel.
"I shall wear it with pride," Pixel said.
---
Quest 2: Escort an Elderly Gnome to His Weekly Dance Class
Freya hadn't expected gnomes to salsa like that. Mr. Twinklefoot was 147 years old and spun like a caffeinated dreidel.
"I haven't twirled like this since the War of The Sassy Scepters!" he crowed.
Freya clapped politely from the sidelines, nursing a twisted ankle she'd gotten from tripping over a pom-pom.
---
Quest 3: Capture the Rogue Weather Cloud
At first, it was adorable. A small fluffy cloud with googly eyes, zipping around the market square and raining selectively on people wearing expensive fur coats.
Freya gave chase, leapt from rooftop to rooftop, and finally netted it with a butterfly net laced with static magic.
"Name?" she asked.
The cloud made a thunder noise and showed her a tiny badge.
"Stormy the Mischief Puff," she read.
Pixel cooed. "I want one."
---
Quest 4: Help the Local Bard Write a Break-Up Ballad
Freya had no idea how emotionally volatile bards could be.
"He dumped me via scroll!" sobbed Luthien the Lyrical, clutching her lute. "And he used Comic Sans!"
Freya passed her a tissue, then suggested a chorus:
"He strummed my heart, then played me wrong, Now I sing this vengeance song."
It topped the local charts within two hours.
Freya got 10% of the royalties and a fan club called "The Refrain Rebels."
---
Quest 5: Infiltrate the Tea Society and Discover Their Secret Recipe
The Tea Society operated like a cult.
Freya entered under the alias "Earl Greyson," wearing a monocle and a cape made from dried mint leaves.
Their leader, Madame Bergamot, led her to the sacred samovar and whispered, "It's just really good water."
Freya blinked. "That's it?"
"And slightly judgmental scones."
She barely escaped with her dignity intact and a new appreciation for oolong.
---
Quest 6: Babysit the Archmage's Familiar
"This is Greg," the Archmage said, handing her a smiling, hyperactive quokka wearing a fez.
"He eats chaos."
"Pardon?" Freya asked.
"Literal chaos. Do not feed him after midnight. Don't ask why. And under no circumstances should he be allowed near mirrors."
Greg blinked up at Freya, then bit a hole in reality and disappeared.
She spent the next three hours chasing him through five dimensions and one sentient art gallery.
When she finally caught him, he was riding a flying trout and singing sea shanties.
"Never again," she panted.
Greg burped, and a rainbow shot out of his nostrils.
---
Quest 7: Mediate a Dispute Between Two Talking Statues
One statue believed the town square belonged to it because it had been erected first. The other insisted it had the better pose.
Freya listened for forty-five minutes as two marble busts bickered over who had the more chiseled features.
She settled it by arranging a spontaneous statue fashion show. The townsfolk voted.
The loser pouted for a week. The winner began hosting marble modeling classes.
---
Quest 8: Retrieve the Wand of Wobble From the Jelly Caverns
Everything in the caverns jiggled. Including gravity.
Freya stumbled through floors that wobbled like pudding, fended off gelatinous cubelets that jiggled aggressively, and finally reached the Wand of Wobble.
It bounced into her hand.
She cast one spell and was immediately turned into a balloon animal version of herself.
Pixel wheezed with laughter for a solid fifteen minutes before dispelling it.
"I hate you," Freya said.
"You looked like a heroic dachshund!"
---
Quest 9: Judge a Pet Fashion Contest
There were twenty-five entrants, including a turtle in a tuxedo, a parrot in pirate cosplay, and a squirrel that dressed as a tax accountant.
Freya gave top marks to a chinchilla wearing chainmail.
"I respect both fashion and function," she explained.
Pixel gave the squirrel an honorary degree.
The turtle winked at her. She didn't sleep well that night.
---
Quest 10: Assist the Royal Librarian in Unhaunting the Reference Section
The ghosts were bored.
They'd been haunting the library since the Grand Dewey Reorganization of 1203.
Freya negotiated peace by organizing a book club and letting them read out loud every Tuesday.
One ghost got very into dramatic readings of romance novels. The living staff just wore earplugs.
When asked if this counted as exorcism, Freya replied, "It's close enough. The ghosts are quiet now. I call that a win."
---
At the end of the week, Freya was exhausted, slightly more insane, and inexplicably covered in glitter.
Pixel updated her quest log with confetti. "All ten completed! You're now in good standing with the Adventurer's Guild, the Royal Council, and the League of Slightly Irritated Librarians."
Freya sank into her chair. "Please tell me the next quest involves a nap."
Pixel blinked. "About that…"
A scroll materialized in the air.
Legendary Quest Alert: The Festival of Fools!
Prepare for chaos, costumes, and questionable choices!
Freya stared.
"…I regret everything."