Another week went by. I could eat more things now. The exercise was helping in a way. I was slowly accepting what I'd done, the people I killed. I kept telling myself they were going to hurt me and that it was for the best.
It was. I knew that. For the best.
It still bothered me, and it would for a while. Maybe even forever. But as Harlan said, we have to keep living.
I slowly adapted to my new life, training every day with Blaze. He kept me distracted, and we'd grown to be very close. Selene, Damien, and Callum were all around me all the time, being nice to me and answering all the questions I had.
But ever since Harlan disappeared, I had a feeling something was missing. I kept reflecting on everything we'd talked about, going over every word, trying to find where it all went wrong. If it even went wrong at all.
The worry and anxiety were eating me alive. I had a feeling Harlan wasn't doing okay at all.
And tonight, that feeling was worse. It had gotten so bad I couldn't even sleep.
I was pacing in my room, wondering what to do with this sinking feeling, when I caught a scent.
I walked over to the open window and inhaled again, making sure I hadn't just imagined it. But sure as hell, there it was, clear as day, that musky rain scent. Harlan. He was around here somewhere.
I can't really convey how fast I ran down those stairs and ventured into the woods, just following my nose. It was dangerous and stupid doing this alone, especially since the last attack. I also hadn't asked more about that. I wasn't even sure I'm supposed to know what Harlan told me. It seemed like higher-up wolf stuff. I wasn't part of that inner circle.
Dry sticks and leaves crunched under my trainers, and suddenly I was glad I remembered to put on shoes before frantically running out to look for someone who probably didn't want to see me. Because that was the reality. He was definitely avoiding me.
What am I thinking?
God, I was convinced I had lost my mind. This could be a trap. This could be someone using his scent to lure me out. Why would they want me? Well, I don't know, but all this training with Blaze has got me into ten new types of paranoia.
That's it. I'm going back.
I decided, absolutely done with myself, I was going back and that was the end of it. This random impulsivity was not going to get me killed today. Or hopefully any day. I was never this impulsive before. I always thought things out carefully, breaking them apart and analyzing them until I was convinced.
But there was something about Harlan that drew me in. Is he my mate?
I had to consider it. It was definitely an option. And from what I'd heard, it would explain a great many things.
But Gemma would have known.
Maybe she did but didn't want to tell me.
This was too much. Way too much. I needed a second.
Why wouldn't she tell me?
So many things to think about. I stopped myself from asking more questions. I refused to go down that path. The truth was that it scared me.
Yes, I knew that if I didn't get a mate, I would lose my mind and remain a half-ling forever, but I didn't know what scared me more.
Would losing the last of my humanity be the end of things as I know them?
I was well aware I had lost my reality a while back. I had lost myself in this new world. I had become someone else. And I liked it, because my past life was one of solitude. But right now, I was happy and surrounded by people who cared about me and protected me fiercely.
But I couldn't help but fear losing my humanity.
What would that mean anyway? I had seen more humanity in these people than I had seen in actual humans. Selene had a heart of gold, so giving and nurturing.
Maybe what we define as humanity is actually something most humans can't have. Maybe other creatures can harness that natural force of good and love as well.
I had to stop. This was getting too philosophical.
I hadn't realized I had walked further into the forest. I should go back. I knew this. But I could feel something.
I could feel him.
He was so close. I could sense him.
"What are you doing here?" someone whispered from behind me, scaring me more than I should have admitted.
But the training with Blaze had paid off. I turned around so fast he didn't expect it, and just as I was instinctively going to attack him, I saw who it was.
"Harlan," I said, flabbergasted at how beautifully his eyes glowed under the moonlight.
"What are you doing in the woods by yourself?" His face seemed stuck in a stern expression.
"I was worried," I answered honestly. I thought about answering his question with a question, but I decided against it.
"Why?" I saw something in his eyes, a flash of something I couldn't really identify.
"Because you're avoiding me," I said decisively, taking a step forward. "I want to know why."
He didn't back down, nor did he deny it. Harlan was many things, but he wasn't a liar.
"Why do you care?"
"Don't play this game," I said, my expression a mirror of his. "You know why I care. You know why I'm worried."
"Yes, but you shouldn't be." He looked away, regret and guilt finally breaking through the mask he had placed on his face.
"Why?" I felt like we had had this conversation before, or tried to have it before we were ambushed.
I knew what this was. He was scared of what he was feeling, whatever it may be. So maybe it was the wrong move, but I spoke once more.
"I am your friend. I am entitled to worry about you."
"I am not your friend," he said, but he couldn't look me in the eye while he said it. So while it initially hurt a bit, he didn't mean it. I didn't take him seriously.
"Why are you pushing me away, Harlan?" I had seen it a thousand times before, and I had done it myself.
This startled him, completely caught him off guard, so much he blurted, "What?"