It's Midnight and all of them are still awake but they are also calm. Except, ducal estate where sanity go to die.
He lay motionless in bed, arms stiff at his sides, eyes wide open, clutching his pillow like a sacred talisman against evil. The moment his head hit the pillow earlier, he heard it: the distant shuffle of slippered feet, the ghostly whisper of breathless anticipation and the unnerving creak of floorboards carrying the sound of doomed love.
They are coming his five jealous wives. Noble princess Seraphina and possessive dragon-born Drakana and combustible pure sister Lilia, and deranged maid Rosette, she is too quiet to be trusted and finally, sweet little Belle, who once baked me cookies shaped like my severed limbs but it's adorable.
Yes, each of his five yandere childhood friends-slash-fiancées is undoubtedly planning a solo "surprise visit" to his bedroom tonight, and by surprise, I meant "a highly coordinated attempt to become the only woman in my bed."
Unfortunately for them—and even more unfortunately for him—they all had the exact same idea at the exact same time.
[System Warning: YANDERE COLLISION DETECTED]
[Initiating Conflict Protocol: "Who Let the Crazies Out" Mode]
The door handle twitched then stopped and then followed by three soft knocks.
"Rei… are you awake?"a whispered voice, it's unmistakably Princess Seraphina's. "I had a terrible dream… I was married to someone else. You have to erase that memory with cuddles."
Unknown to her, a shadow slithered through the window behind her—Drakana, crawling upside down along the walls like some sort of sultry lizard-ninja hybrid.
"Out of the way, royal reject," Drakana hissed. "Tonight's cuddle quota is mine."
"Excuse me?" Seraphina turned, flipping her hair like a whip. "He needs royalty in his arms, not a walking furnace with anger management issues."
A click of polished shoes echoed from the hallway. "I came to pray with him before sleep," said Lilia, appearing with a glowing lamp in one hand and a marriage license in the other. "And to rehearse our vows again."
"Oh dear," Rosette's voice said flatly as she emerged from the shadows, holding a tea tray with alarming stability. "It seems the entire farm has shown up to compete for the single egg."
Belle appeared in the last, crawling out of a vent like an adorable gremlin. "Did someone say eggs? I brought breakfast one is good and other has poison but I forgot which is which"
All five women now stand at the threshold of his room, their faces are smiling but eyes are saying something else. The air crackled with sweet, pink-flavored malice.
Rei pulled the covers over his head and prayed to Goddess Eris. Of course, she didn't answer. Instead, his bedroom door creaked open. This kind of creak that should come with a health warning. Five feminine silhouettes stand frozen in a classic standoff position, like a magical girl version of Reservoir Dogs.
"Get. Out." said Seraphina to Drakana.
"No, you get out." Drakana bared her fangs. "Royal bedtime privileges revoked."
"I'll burn your tiara," Seraphina said sweetly.
"I'll melt your shoes."
"I'll curse your shampoo!"
"I'll EAT YOUR PILLOW!"
"Girls…" Lilia interjected, placing a gentle hand on both of their shoulders. "We're all sisters in faith and love. Perhaps we should take turns sleeping beside him. I brought a rota."
"No," Belle pouted, hugging a plushie shaped like my face. "We all sleep together like one big happy family with knives."
"I agree," Rosette said, setting the tea tray down silently. "I've already drugged the tea to ensure a peaceful evening."
They all stared at her.
"…What?" she blinked. "Too forward?"
Then the yelling started again.
Seraphina. "HE'S MINE TONIGHT!"
Drakana."I LICKED HIS FACE FIRST!"
Lilia. "I WAS ENGAGED TO HIM AT AGE THREE!"
Belle. "I SEWED HIM A HEART PILLOW WITH MY BLOOD!"
"IT WAS ONE TIME, BELLE!"
Meanwhile, Rei lay frozen under the covers, internally composing his last will and testament in his head.
"To my loving father, I leave the ashes of my sanity to the estate, now I leave an active crime scene and to the system… go to hell."
Suddenly, there was a flash of movement. Seraphina lunged at Drakana with a pillow-shaped projectile. Drakana countered with a burst of dragonflame that singed the tapestry.
Rosette hurled teacups with sniper precision. Lilia summoned a holy barrier to deflect it, while chanting vows. Belle pulled out a frying pan. "Time for a concussive cuddle!"
[Event Triggered: Bedroom Battle of royal – Jealous Five Edition]
[Reward: Survival]
Rei crawled toward the window, but a holy chain spell from Lilia snapped around his ankle.
"Stay, darling," she called lovingly from the chaos. "Your wives are just… bonding."
"WITH BLOOD!" That came from Drakana, who had now conjured a lava whip and was fighting Seraphina across the bed. Rosette floated ghost-like above the curtains, raining down utensils like a Michelin-star specter. Belle had set up bear traps around the perimeter, and Lilia is now conducting a wedding rehearsal for a stunned coat rack.
Rei can only scream internally because his pillow had been shredded into confetti. His curtains are now a makeshift noose. His bedsheets were being used as a net and all five girls had declared martial law.
"STOP!" Rei cried out, rising from the wreckage like a half-dead groundhog. "Please! There's only one me! Don't I deserve rest, Sanity And human dignity?!"
They all pause. Seraphina blinked. "Well… when you say it like that…"
"He looks kinda pale…" Belle added, poking while poking his cheek.
Rosette frowned. "Did someone interrupt his REM cycle?"
Lilia gasped. "I forgot the bedtime prayer!"
Drakana cracked her neck. "Fine, One night off but next time, we duel with chainsaws."
[YANDERE TENSION: DIFFUSED]
[Affection Points: +10 (from all parties)]
[Mental Stability: -49]
As they helped tuck his back into remain of the bed, he stare at the ceiling with the blank expression of a man who had lost a staring contest with five hurricanes.
"Can we… agree on ground rules next time?" Rei croaked.
"Of course!" Seraphina smiled.
"We'll make a sign-up board!" Lilia beamed.
"Weekly shifts!" Belle clapped.
"I'll monitor the cameras!" Rosette added.
"I'm sleeping here anyway," Drakana yawned, curling up at the foot of the bed like a smug lizard-cat. Now Rei give up.
[New Title Acquired: Human Stress Ball]
[Sleep Mode: Denied]
[You poor, bastard.]
And thus concluded the Battle of the Bedroom—a fierce, passionate war fought with pillows, pride, poison, and love and our warrior Rei survived this battle, of course barely and maybe, just maybe… he enjoyed it.
(But don't quote me on that.)
To be continued…