Chapter 14: A Man's Mouth
Just as Qifeng was starting to feel like he might actually survive this clusterfuck of a mission, his expression soured like milk left in the sun.
"Oh, perfect timing," he muttered, sensing multiple ninja signatures approaching fast. With that many people moving in formation, they had to be Konoha forces.
The fact that Kaguya Chiren had managed to slip through their perimeter meant someone had seriously dropped the ball. If another wave of Mist ninjas got through, it would mean either the border guards were incompetent enough to lose their jobs, or Kirigakure was launching a full-scale assault.
Neither option was particularly appealing.
Moving with the efficiency of someone who'd watched too many spy movies, Qi Feng quickly gathered up Chiren's remains—which looked like they'd been processed through a blender set to "puree"—and used his remaining chakra to smooth out the battlefield. No point in leaving obvious evidence of his temporary godhood lying around.
He stumbled over to where Imai was still unconscious against the tree, positioning himself protectively in front of her. A little bit of method acting never hurt—he let some blood trickle from the corner of his mouth, clutched his ninja pouch like his life depended on it, and let his eyes roll back as he collapsed in what he hoped looked like a heroic faint.
*jWhoosh, whoosh, whoosh!**
Three ANBU operatives materialized like ghosts at a séance, because apparently "dramatic entrance" was a required course in ninja school.
One of them knelt beside Qifeng and Imai, checking their vital signs with the practiced efficiency of a field medic. "Still breathing," he reported in the kind of voice that suggested he'd seen too many people who weren't.
"Where's Kaguya Chiren?" The squad leader looked around the area with the systematic thoroughness of someone who really didn't want to file a "missing homicidal maniac" report.
Finally, he crouched down and grabbed a handful of dirt, examining it like a detective in one of those crime shows Qifeng used to watch in his previous life. He even went so far as to sniff it through his mask, which was either very professional or deeply concerning.
"Ground's been disturbed recently, and there's blood residue. Probably belongs to our bone-dancing friend."
"Dead?"
The ANBU exchanged glances that managed to convey surprise, disbelief, and a healthy dose of "what the hell happened here?" without a single word being spoken.
Kaguya Chiren had been a well-established jonin with a reputation that preceded him like a very violent business card. Even these elite operatives wouldn't have bet on their chances against him in a straight fight. And yet, here they were, standing in what looked like the aftermath of a geological disaster, with no trace of the man except some suspicious bloodstains.
"From the time we detected the disturbance to our arrival couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes," one of them mused. "Who the hell can delete a jonin that quickly?"
"The kids are still alive, so whoever did this doesn't have a beef with Konoha. Might even be one of ours."
They didn't even glance at Qifeng and Imai. The idea that two teenagers—even talented ones—could've accomplished this was so absurd it didn't merit consideration. Even Kakashi, who was basically a walking cheat code, couldn't have pulled off something like this at their age.
Anyone who suggested otherwise would probably be laughed out of the intelligence division.
"Definitely someone who specializes in earth-style techniques," the leader observed, noting the telltale signs of advanced geological manipulation.
"Hot Springs ninja, maybe?"
They were in the Land of Hot Water, after all. Besides Konoha and Mist forces, the local Hot Springs village was the only other possibility.
"Does Hot Springs even have ninja that strong?" one of them asked skeptically.
The village wasn't exactly known for producing powerhouses. Their most famous export was probably their actual hot springs, not their military might.
"Either way, this needs to go up the chain. Lord Orochimaru and the Hokage need to know about this," the squad leader decided.
"Roger that."
The leader walked over to examine Qifeng and Imai more closely, taking in their protective positioning and the death grip Qifeng had on his equipment pouch. His approval was almost palpable.
"Faced with a superior enemy, didn't abandon his teammate or his mission. This kid's got the right stuff."
"According to our files, that should be Maruyama Qifeng—the body collector, right?"
"Even the cleanup crew fights like a ninja. We might end up relying on this kid again someday."
There was a weary acceptance in their voices, the kind that came from years of watching good people get ground up by the war machine. Death was just another part of the job description.
"Beni, get these two back to base along with our report. We need to check on Kakashi's situation."
"Copy that."
Yuhi Shinku—operating under the codename "Beni"—hoisted Qifeng onto his shoulder like a sack of potatoes while carefully cradling Imai in his arms, then took off toward the Fire Country border.
Qifeng nearly broke character just to curse the man out.
Are you fucking kidding me?
The double standard was infuriating. Boys got the shoulder treatment—bounced around like luggage—while girls got the princess carry. What kind of sexist bullshit was this?
"I swear, I'm going to help Asuma steal your daughter just for this!"
Qifeng raged internally, though he had to admit the revenge was oddly specific.
Yuhi Shinku moved through the trees with the kind of speed that made Qifeng grateful for his acting skills. Once they crossed into Fire Country territory, the ANBU operative finally slowed down to a more sustainable pace.
Qifeng had been pretending to be unconscious for a while when the system notification appeared.
[Experience Card duration expired!]
[Since you didn't fully master the borrowed abilities, you receive reduced attribute bonuses: Chakra +1, Ninjustu +2]
My soul is literally hemorrhaging.
His previous jonin experience card had netted him five attribute points because he'd taken the time to actually learn the techniques. This quasi-Kage card should've been worth six, seven, maybe even eight or nine points if he'd used it properly.
Instead, he'd gotten three measly points because he'd been too busy not dying to study the finer points of borrowed power.
What a waste.
Plus, being carried on someone's shoulder while they parkoured through a forest was about as comfortable as riding a mechanical bull during an earthquake. If he hadn't been in genuine pain, he probably would've "woken up" hours ago just to walk normally.
Feeling Qifeng stir on his shoulder, Yuhi Shinku set him down gently—apparently the consideration only extended to unconscious passengers.
"Awake? Can you keep moving?" Shinku had removed his ANBU mask, revealing a face that looked like it had seen too much and somehow still managed to care about people.
Qifeng prodded his swollen arms, wincing as real pain shot through his system. Without the experience card's pain suppression, every injury from his fight with Chiren was making itself known with interest.
Still, he nodded through gritted teeth. "I'm good."
As they continued their journey, something strange happened. Maybe it was the isolation of ANBU work, or maybe Shinku genuinely liked what he'd seen from Qifeng, but the man's personality seemed to flip like a switch once the mask came off.
"You're a good kid," Shinku said conversationally. "Protecting your female companion like that—that's what real men do. I was the same way when I was young. Had all the ladies interested, if you know what I mean."
Urk—
Qifeng stopped dead in his tracks and doubled over, making retching sounds that echoed through the forest.
After a solid minute of dry heaving, he straightened up to find Shinku staring at him with concern.
"Sorry," Qifeng gasped, wiping his mouth. "Got hit pretty hard earlier. Internal injuries are acting up."
Shinku's expression softened with understanding. "Want me to carry you the rest of the way?"
"No, no, absolutely not," Qifeng waved his hands frantically. He'd rather walk on broken glass than endure another shoulder ride.
"Back in my day, I used to—"
Bleugh!
The forest fell silent except for the sound of Qifeng's dignity dying a slow death.
"...Maybe I should take a break," he wheezed.
Fishing out a slightly crushed pack of cigarettes from his gear, Qifeng selected the least mangled one and stuck it between his lips. A tiny flame flickered from his fingertip—one of the few perks of being a fire-style user—and he took a long, deep drag.
The nicotine hit his system like a warm blanket, easing the ache in his lungs and the general misery of existing in his current state.
Shinku frowned disapprovingly. "You're too young to be smoking. That stuff will kill you, and a ninja needs to take care of his body."
As he spoke, he plucked the cigarette right out of Qifeng's mouth and stuck it between his own lips, taking a deep, appreciative drag before exhaling a stream of smoke into the evening air.
...
"Harmful to health," my ass.
So much for the wisdom of adults. Qifeng pulled out another cigarette and lit it, resigned to the hypocrisy of the world.
They smoked in companionable silence, both men lost in their own thoughts while Imai continued to sleep peacefully, blissfully unaware of the philosophical contradictions happening around her.
There was something oddly bonding about sharing tobacco with someone who'd just lectured you about its dangers. Maybe it was the shared acknowledgment that life was too short and too brutal to worry about long-term health consequences.
Shinku seemed to approve of this development. Here was a kid who could fight, protect his teammates, complete missions, and handle his vices like an adult. The more time he spent with Qifeng, the more he liked him.
After they'd both finished their cigarettes, Qifeng stretched and rolled his shoulders. "Feeling better, Senior Shinku. Ready to keep moving?"
"You know who I am?" Shinku looked surprised.
Qifeng scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Asuma and I are friends. Asuma and Yuhi Kurenai are... friends. So I put two and two together."
The way he said "friends" made Shinku's paternal instincts twitch like a smoke detector sensing danger.
"Asuma?" Shinku's voice carried the kind of suspicion that fathers developed when teenage boys mentioned their daughters.
Sorry, Asuma, Qifeng thought with mock solemnity. Who made your father give me a hard time. We corpse collectors dont take revenge overnight!
The seeds of beautiful chaos had been planted. Sometimes revenge was best served with a side of romantic complications.