Chapter 11: A New Invitation and the Simp
Ron didn't know if Americans had a saying like, "Speak of the devil and he shall appear," but right after name-dropping Warren Buffett in front of Elon Musk, he got a call from the man himself.
"Ron, long time no see," came Buffett's aged voice through the receiver.
"Long time indeed, Mr. Buffett. You know, I'm starting to suspect you've bugged me. I just mentioned you to someone."
"You did? Don't tell me it was Francis and you were talking about my taxes. You know I'm one of the few clean ones left in this circle," the old man said, clearly startled. Being on the IRS's radar was never a good thing.
Ron had clearly left quite the impression on him during a past operation.
"Relax," Ron laughed. "It wasn't like that. I was just having a conversation with Mr. Musk and your name came up."
"Well, I don't know the young man. You know I've never been big on tech companies. Anyway, the reason I'm calling is to offer you a private job."
"A private job?"
Ron's official IRS duties were fairly relaxed—he just had to meet his annual tax recovery quota. With all his skills, he didn't mind picking up some side gigs now and then.
"What kind of job?" Ron asked, putting the call on speaker as he started the car.
"Bodyguard work. I can't think of anyone better for it. I need you to accompany me on a trip to China, to a place called Xihong City. My annual charity lunch was won by a young man named Wang Duoyu."
Wang Duoyu?
Ron's head buzzed. That name? The chosen one? There was no way he could say no.
"Warren, you know how busy I am," Ron said slyly. "But for you, I'll make time. As friends, of course I'll be there when you need me. In fact, I might even offer you a discount—if you agree that my job ends when I see you safely onto your return flight."
He paused.
"Don't take it the wrong way—I've just been thinking of exploring China a little…"
---
Back at the apartment, Leonard had finally returned with the takeout. It was Monday, which meant—according to Sheldon's rigid schedule—it was Thai food night.
Ron had no objections. In fact, he fully supported it, much to Leonard's dismay. Leonard had hoped Ron's presence might inspire resistance against Sheldon's tyrannical routines. Instead, those hopes were dashed in an instant.
"Here. Pad Thai, no peanuts."
Howard asked, visibly nervous, "Does it have peanut oil?"
Leonard shrugged, clearly in a mood. "No idea. Everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts swelling up."
Sheldon was surprisingly friendly today, which was rare. "Since there are no bees around, you may use my epinephrine."
"Do we have chopsticks?" Ron asked, out of habit from his past life.
"No need. It's Thai food," Sheldon replied flatly.
Leonard rolled his eyes subtly. "Here we go again…"
"Forks didn't appear in Thailand until the late 19th century," Sheldon began. "Interestingly, they aren't used to directly eat food. Rather, they're used to push food into a spoon, which is then used for eating."
On any other day, Ron would've called this "a completely unnecessary complication." But today, he felt oddly touched by Sheldon's rambling.
"Brilliant, Sheldon," Ron applauded enthusiastically, completely fulfilling Sheldon's vanity.
"Ron, you're acting… abnormal," Sheldon observed, unsettled by the flattery.
Ron stared into his eyes and, with over-the-top sincerity, declared, "Sheldon, I swear, I've never loved you more than I do right now. If you asked me to bend over and offer you my flower, I wouldn't hesitate."
"Ron," Sheldon replied without missing a beat.
"What?"
"I heard that sexual interactions between men increase the risk of HIV transmission. For health and safety reasons, I think you should consider finding a woman. Penny, our neighbor, might be suitable…"
"Yeahhh… let's not go there," muttered Leonard, cutting him off like a man defusing a bomb. He really didn't want to give Ron ideas.
Even Sheldon—whose emotional intelligence was basically nonexistent—could tell that Leonard liked Penny, and Penny was clearly trying to seduce Ron.
If Ron had even a sliver of interest, she probably would've succeeded by now.
Howard leaned in conspiratorially. "Hey, bro… just tell me straight. Are you gay?"
"Of course not," Ron grinned. "I've just been indulging too much lately—needed a break." He winked. "Look at me. Do I look like a guy who has trouble finding women?"
Leonard jumped in, curious. "Then why aren't you into Penny?"
Ron thought for a moment. "It's a principle of mine. I never hit on girls I live with. Especially not roommates. I don't want to be the one paying two people's rent if things go south."
Leonard was dumbfounded. Someone turning down Penny?
But then he looked at Ron's chiseled face and realized… yeah, that kind of man could afford to have standards.
Classic Ron. Sheldon gave a rare approving nod.
Penny had already gotten the Wi-Fi password from Leonard when she moved in, which was wreaking havoc on their already limited bandwidth—something Sheldon complained about often.
Howard groaned dramatically, "That's it? If she'd sleep with me just once, I'd pay her rent for a whole year!"
"Guys, guys…" Ron raised his hands like a benevolent leader calming his subjects. "No need to be so desperate. I could introduce you to more girls—if you agree to stop using those cringey pickup lines. It's killing my reputation."
He stared hard at Howard, who had a habit of greeting women in over a dozen languages like a walking embarrassment.
Rajesh slapped Howard's leg excitedly. "Ron, where do you usually pick up chicks? Can we come with you sometime?"
"Of course," Ron replied. "But to be honest, I don't 'pick up' girls. I just attend different events, and they come to me. You guys might have more luck comforting the ones I turn down."
His humble-brag left Howard and Raj speechless—not with offense, but admiration. They exchanged glances, both seeing hope in each other's eyes.
"When?" they asked in unison.
"There's a meet-up tonight—L.A. street racers. Free races too. You in?" Ron invited.
Truthfully, tonight was the night he had agreed to meet Toretto. Toretto had promised to introduce him to some powerful people in the area. Ron didn't mind bringing a couple of extra tag-alongs.
Howard and Raj hesitated. On one hand, they desperately wanted to tag along. On the other, L.A. street racing at night? That was way out of their nerdy comfort zone.
They'd probably get blown to pieces.
Just then, a knock came at the door.
"Leonard, is Ron with you?" It was Penny.
Ron shook his head and whispered, "Just say I'm not here. You got this, bro—I believe in you~"
"Hey, Penny~" Leonard opened the door but didn't let her in. Instead, he stepped out and half-blocked the entrance.
"We haven't seen Ron all day. What's up? Maybe I can help?"
Back inside, Ron shook his head while eavesdropping. Another simp...
Among the four scientists, only Sheldon wasn't a simp—he was the one being chased. The other three? Pathetic.
Clearly, the Cooper genes are superior, Ron thought smugly, stroking his face. So damn handsome. Women don't stand a chance.
"Uh… I just wanted to ask a favor," Penny said.
"Sure!" Leonard blurted, cutting her off before she even finished. Clearly, he hadn't learned his lesson from the last time—like when she pulled down his pants in front of everyone.
"Someone's delivering furniture to my place tomorrow, but I might not be around. Can you sign for it and move it inside?"
Again? Ron silently prayed Leonard would say no. If not, Leonard would definitely drag Sheldon into it. And Sheldon would, of course, call him. And because he felt a little guilty about earlier… he wouldn't say no.
And in the end, even though he didn't volunteer, he'd be the one doing all the work.
"Of course," Leonard said eagerly, like he was afraid someone else might offer first.
Simp behavior confirmed.
"Thanks, Leonard. You're such a good guy~" Penny handed him her key—and with it, a metaphorical "good guy" card—and walked away.
And Leonard didn't even dare to ask her out.
"You should ask her out," Ron advised.
Leonard looked shocked. "Ask her out? What if she says no?"
"Then keep asking. Trust me—eventually, she'll get tired of rejecting you." Ron said it casually and dug into his Thai food, leaving Leonard frozen at the door, lost in thought.
Meanwhile, Howard and Raj finally made up their minds after much inner turmoil.
"Ron, we're coming with you tonight!"
Ron almost choked on his food. These guys were insane—willing to risk their lives… for women.