Cynthia
i could clearly hear slow, quiet beeping, the beeping of a monitor. This complete silence with the beeping disrupting it stretched for a while before i felt someone's touch right on my left foot. Cold. Gentle. Then i didn't later on. Who was it? i was too weak to open my eyes. To tired to speak. was it him? was it not? i badly needed someone around me.
i knew i wasn't in my appartment again, i wasn't in the poisioning silence, not with the thought that i would die alone.
My strength was starting to regenerate - it had to. It must - because i didn't know at that moment even a person that could help me be strong so i knew myself.
i opened my eyes, closed it to the bright light in the room and opnened again. I quickly looked down my feet. Nobody wad there.
Slowly sittting up, i looked around. i was in a hospital, definitely. But how did i get here? I hope it wasn't Damson that brought me. Was it him? Did he hear about the prgnancy? and worse... what happened to it?
He had a huge exam coming up, an exam that would determine his admission to one of the world's most prestigious universities that would not only gain him admission and knowledge, but the connections he needed. It was his dream. I dreamt of that for him too. And Us. A happy family with a little boy and a little girl. Our children having a successful father and a nurishing mother. That was my dream, i couldn't dream of anything else.
What would become of Damson if he heard about this? He could lose his focus, lose the exam and have to rewrite again next year. The expenses? I did all i could, i would do it again. But body no be firewood.
His body too was not firewood, so i panicked. searched for an answer around the room, an answer id definitely not get until i spoke to someone.
I gradually dropped down from the bed and took a few frail steps towards the door, a sharp pain shot through my lower abdomen. I lost stability for a split second and staggered to my left, held myself up.
My hands were on the door handle now. Anticipating. Thinking. Living a life in my thought where Damson was unhappy and returning to a reality that could turn back to the life i just lived in my mind. I cared less for myself right? What could I possibly do? He was the only thing i had to care for. I felt so lucky to have him that I wouldn't imagine a day when i wasn't speaking to him, couldn't imagine turning my back on him.
I took a deep breath unready for what was coming, and opened the door. Looked up the hallway, down. Nobody.
I took a while looking to the side of the hallway where I thought i remembered passing by myself, on my feet. Dizzy and weak. Just a fleeting memory, it could be real.
"Miss Cynthia...," a voice came right from the other side of my ear where i wasn't facing of course.
I turned to see who it was and it was a doctor. A female doctor. The tag over the chest on her white coat reading "Temi."
"Please let go inside so you'd have a sit," she suggests holding me to go back in.
"Is he here?" i questioned.
"Who?" Doctor Temi asked as she helped me have my sit.
The pain shoots in again, i let out a muffled groan.
"sorry, sit gently," i sat carefully.
"who was it you were talking about?"
"Nobody brought me here?" i asked, for a split second hoping someone had. I had no one else - but just had that hope.
I felt a sense of relief and unease at the same tim when i heard her reply. I came here on my own.
"how do you know my name?"
"you told me," the doctor replied,"Do you have the number of the person? or anyone we could call?" the doctor asked with concern in her tone.
"No," a sharp short answer with a subtle tone that said "You don't have to call anyone, i'm okay."
"Is there anybody we could call to check up on you?"
"NO, i'm okay without... anybody, or call. I'm..."
The pain strikes in again. stronger this time, a deep stinging sensation to almost made me scream to the top of my voice, but i clenched my teeth letting out labouring breathes from my nostrils my hands pressing against my lower abdomen.
"Take a slow deep breath..." the doctor said placing her hand on my shoulder.
I kept on clutching my teeth together.
"let it go, let it pass. take a deep breath..." she added, "you dont have to hold on like that let it..."
i tried what she said. with the intention of taking deep breathes, i unclenced my teeth and let out a shuddering breath and laboured moan after. The pain worsens then i let out a loud scream - almost like a "rarrrrghhh." a roar. Bent to press harder on my belly - i almost fell of the bed.
Doctor Temi helped me up and helps me sit on the bed. She kept telling me to take a deep breath. i tried but i couldn't. I wanted to scream right to her face, "You don't understand this pain," but i went - almost in tears.
"I am not okay... please..." i held on tight to her coat sleeve,"i'm not okay, i just want to breathe... i can't breath."
I couldn't hold myself from sobbing.
"It's okay, it's okay..." Doctor Temi tried to console me.
My sobbing didn't last long, the pain subsided, now just little pulsating cramps that i could handle. That i could ignore.
I laid down on my side and the doctor stood beside me and rubbed my waist gently. It was quiet soothing. She was taking to long to speak. The longer the silence, the slower her carress.
"Cynthia...," she finally broke the silence. "What has happened to you was..."
"i know... i know," i didn't want her to state my pain, i knew exactly what it was.
But she included, "It's not just that, it was a septic miscarriage - and this one NEEDS to be treated." Stressed on the word "need" like she had been through it before.
i stayed quiet, letting her words sink in.
"If we don't get it treated as soon as possible, it won't be good." She waits. Waits for my reply.
"If you don't get it treated as soon as possible you could die."
My heart beat raced up for a minute, i took gentle breathes. Where would i get the money from? I i had just paid my rent with most of the money ive got and the remainig money was eough to buy all my groceries. Where could i search for money when i'm on a bed i can barely move my body.
"What if i don't have the money?"
She sighs, having to be a breaker of bad news and assuring a person's death at that was a huge pain for her. "The hospital cannot give free treatements at the moment."
I asked myself several times, what could i possibly do? How can i get help? Not from Damson - he could barely afford lunch for himself.
"i will let you have a rest, i'll come back to check on you."
"Can you lend me your laptop?" i stroke that question right before she got near the door.
"what" she asked.
i sat up gently and faced her, "Can you please lend me your laptop."
She opens her mouth to speak, probably to dismiss my request. You know the slight opening of the mouth and the silence people make when they're about to make a terrible lie. She decided not to.
"okay," she said, i'll bring it now, "i'll be back."
She left the room, she was the last hope i've got. I had been writing a book for the past few months, it was called Harbinger, it was the first book in the black Butterfly trilogy. I started writing the book right after my mother died. The writing process was like therapy for me, and i knew that alot of people could resonate with it. The last time i work on it i was at the last line of the writing. I had at the back of my mind that nobody cared about a writer's work until the writer brought it out, but how could the writer's work be seen if people don't care. Paradoxical right?
I had been researching several traditional publishers who would buy my story. I knew it wouldn't be easy, i knew the frustration in that - sending emails to publishers requesting to sell my story. i either don't get a reply or i get rejected. one of the both.
Doctor Temi was taking longer than i expected, the weight of urgency pressed against my back and my chest - what could i do without this help? i can't leave this place like this, and i don't know anyone to help me get my things from my home.
The door opened and Doctor Temi walked in with her laptop, and gave it to me. I opened it and turned it on.
"What do you want to do?"
"I want to get the money."
i tried multiple publishing houses through emails and texts, i was rejected on and on until I made a decision to call them and tell him what i meant to me.
With the annoyance and baggage of isolation i had as a writer, the pain of not being able to speak to someone or have someone help me just brushed through my heart.
"I'm sorry, due to several reasons undisclosable we cannot take any submissions now."
"please listen to me"
"no maam, we can't..."
"I have written this thing for months and months, i have written much before that but they are all somehwere - maybe in a file i cannot locate - most of which their titles i cannot remember. I know i'm not the only one who has to get their work out there, i am dieing. I am in silence, i know nobody to help me, and i need you to see this work just on e time... one time, i beg you."
the man goes quiet for a while, his breath meeting my ears.
"Okay, i'll show this to one of our editors and we'll get back to you."
That was how i got my first book out. Out of desperation, and determination. Pain. You don't necessarily have to be in pain or on an edge to show determination and commitement in your art. If you do, you will surely prosper.
A few days passed, i had paid for the treatment - a price i surely can't remember beacause i just wanted to forget everything.
"Do you want to talk to the person now?" Doctor Temi asked me as she sat beside me.
"Why don't you let the nurses watch after me?" i asked.
"don't you want my company?" she countered.
"Your are a doctor," i said, "i mean..."
"And i'm doing my job," she evades and counters.
We both went into silence acknowledging the weight and seriousness of her question.
"I was once here, Cynthia. But i spoke to someone. Why don't you want to speak with him? her?"
I gradually sat up frowning from the pain, "I'd like to talk to him now."
Doctor Temi took out her phone from her pocket and gave it to me. I typed down Damson's number, took a deep breathe, looked up to Doctor Temi in excitement. He must have been trying to reach me, i knew that but you know why i wouldn't want him to know what was going on.
i pressed 'call' and the phone rings... rings... rings...
"Hello?" is voice cut through the haze that clouded my mind, "Hello? Who's this?"
My thought became pure, and my heart fulfilled.
"Damson, it's me... Cynthia"
"Cynthia," he said with a low tone sounding almost disappointed.
"Are you... are you okay?"
"Cynthia..." he repeated, Doctor Temi furrows. "Damson, are you okay?"
"Cynthia, I have been thinking of this for a while... "
"Of what?"
Was he even going to say he had been trying my number for days? i waited. He took a deep breath, it shudders for a split second.
"Cynthia, us together..." My heart beat harder after that sentence.
"I want us to be happy," he muttered.
i was happy with him.
"Everytime we are together i always make you sad and i don't want that."
"I'm not sad Damson. I'm okay, i even got a payment so..."
"i'm sorry," he cuts me off, and silence sits in.
i didn't know at that moment what i could do so i chuckled, a chuckle that slowly spiralled into laughter.
"Don't joke with me - we spoke about this, i don't have to tell you again," i whispered to his hearing.
Doctor Temi watches me in pity. i don't need pity - i want this man to take back what he said and say that it was a joke. i wated for him to take it back.
i felt a dull ache in my chest and stomach and then the dull chest ache transformed. My chest was tight, like something was crushing it, and couldn't breathe right.
My stomach kept turning like i was going to throw up, but nothing came out.
"We... together, is unhealthy. i want us to be happy."
"No Damson," i squealed, "stop joking with me, i am happy - if you are not, tell me and we will fix this - we were together we had fun, we love eachother - what are you..."
i could barely pass on breathe through my nose, so began to pant. How can i make this calm down? He might just be joking. I made my lips into an 'O' and let the breathe go in and out gradually.
"Are you there?" my heart went still. The silence. before i looked at the phone i says, "i want to protect you."
"How? How? i am okay - you'll come on over and see."
"You take care of yourself, i will not be coming back - i'm sorry..."
I couldn't bear the pain anymore, i didn't mean to scream. It just ripped out of my throat, wild and hoarse, "What the fuck do mean you're sorry? You're not sorry! What is wrong with you! What is fucking wrong - happening with you!"
Doctor Temi, now regretting her suggestion stood gesturing to return her phone, my head started shaking, like something inside my head was short-circuiting. She stretched her hand to get her phone and i shoved her hand off.
"Don't lie to me Damson, do not lie to me!"
"I'm sorry," he ends the call.
Suddenly, Zap! this sharp tug yanked through my head like something snapped lose, groaned holding my head like it was going to shatter mistakenly releasing Doctor Temi's phone to the ground.
i lost control of my whole body, all i felt was a flash of cold and then warmth and then my vision faded to darkness.