Maverick sits across the lunchroom table from me, arms folded on top as he leans in a little. He's studying me, like he always does, searching every detail of my face and its movements as if it will reveal some grand question.
Knowing absolutely everything about me, he's already suspicious of something happening while he was gone, just not sure what it is yet.
"So you're going to pretend you don't have anything to tell me?" He finally speaks.
I chew my food slowly, taking my time with my response. Once swallowed, I finally raise my head to meet his hard stare.
"Yes." I answer simply, putting down my sandwich to take a long drink of my bottled sprite.
Maverick shakes his head at me, giving the lunchroom a scan in thought. I'm sure he expected that answer, anything else from me would have caught him by surprise.
He's always been vocal about how frustrating it is when half the time I give straight forward answers and the other half, I dance around the truth.
I already know what Maverick would say if I told him about my run in with the homeowner of the house party we were at. Taking drugs from people you don't know is bad, Liliana. You have no idea what he could've given you. You're lucky something terrible didn't happen to you. Blah blah blah.
I'm living to die.
"Where'd you guys go this weekend?" Maverick addresses the group.
Kennedy, loose tongued all the time, doesn't hesitate for a second before announcing, "We went to a party. That one guys house...you know him..." she snaps her fingers trying to think of it. "Malachi!" She points, face lighting up.
Maverick's turns his head back towards me, lowering his voice as Kennedy returns to her conversation with Quinton and Bella. "What happened at the party, Liliana?"
"Can we not talk about this at the lunch table...around a bunch of people?" I check and make sure the group still isn't listening. "Later, okay?"
"Are you actually going to give me an answer or are you just going to be sarcastic with me?"
"Jail really put you in a bad mood, huh?"
As if everyone was waiting for the word to be brought up so we can all finally address the elephant in the room, all three of our friends look at Maverick as if he's got a legend of a story to tell. But like me, he keeps a lot about himself a secret.
He isn't very secretive about his lifestyle choices, so much so that he got caught up and arrested. Maverick is the last person to let you in on his emotions. You'll never catch him expressing too much, laughing even if he finds something funny.
He's depressed like I am.
Though his depression is the type I used to have; the ambitious kind. Maverick may break the law to make money, but it's all for the purpose of getting his own place after graduation and creating a new life. He doesn't come from a family with money like I do, getting help financially wasn't something he'd ever ask of them.
He's gotten me out of extremely dark moments, truly understanding my pain and holding my hand until I'm out of them.
"What was it like?!" Bella gasps.
"Jail." Kennedy clarifies with an overly enthusiastic nod.
"Nothing bad happened to you, right?" Bella pushes further.
Quinton speaks up with; "Would you two relax?"
"What?" Kennedy asks defensively. "We can't act like he wasn't there for two nights."
Maverick must've forgotten he turned eighteen a couple months ago. Meaning when you're pulled over with a ton of drugs in your car, they aren't worried about calling your parents anymore.
Forgetting how to feel anything for anyone, I realize my only concern I've had wasn't due to Maverick being in a dangerous place with dangerous people...my concern has been placed on where to find any substance until he's back.
Seeing the group's worry and curiosity as they wait expectantly for Maverick's answer sends a wave of jealousy through me. Unlike most opinions of me, the world seems to give a shit about him. There's a blatant disregard for my well being, for even just pretending to take interest in my daily life. No one asks, no one wonders.
I've accepted the fact that there isn't a single girl here who does anything other than talk shit or start drama. I also accepted that there aren't any guys here who speak to me for any motive other than wanting to sleep with me. They make it pretty obvious when there's zero eagerness to get to know me on the smallest of levels. People use me for a good time. I'm fun at parties and I'm even more fun in bed.
I guess that's what I have to offer.
"I missed you girls too." Maverick says sarcastically as he lazily peers over at the girls in a way that makes me want to scoff and turn away. "Jail was uneventful...but no, I don't hope to go back. Stay out of trouble?"
"You know us..." Kennedy giggles along with Bella, both blushing and hiding their smiles behind their hands.
I'm happy to hear the lunch bell ring, getting me out of having to sit and listen to Maverick turn on his charm.
He doesn't want a girlfriend. Sometimes he'll hook up with a girl we'll never see again at a party but that's as far as he takes it. He absolutely uses his looks to his advantage, making him persuasive and able to get out of a lot of things. Something as simple as a conversation he doesn't want to have can be avoided by just wearing that smile and giving those bedroom eyes.
His hotness to him, is a blessing. To me, my hotness is an And And I curse, rather having zero friends than ones who only stick around because of what I look like.
It only depresses me more. It's a constant reminder that I will never be enough.
I spent the rest of my day at school as I always do; engaging with the other students around me in class and in the halls...pretending like there's nothing wrong with me...
Like I'm not desperate to die.
It's another reason why I'm tired from the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep. Acting takes a lot of energy...so do oxy's.
I made it all the way out of the building, to my car. I even got the drivers side door opened but only just a hair before a hand is placed against it, slamming it shut.
"You almost made it. Take a drive with me."
I stare at Maverick's hand over the sliver paint, contemplating putting up a fight or not. By his tone of voice and word choice, it's clearly not much of an option.
"You do know that not everything is made to be your business, right?" I grumble as I turn on my heel, brushing past him and to his car just a row behind us.
He stays hot on my trail, keeping his voice down as I am mine. "It becomes my business when you're blatantly keeping secrets from me. Which you aren't very good at doing if you haven't realized it already."
We share a glare from over top of his car, both jerking the door open in unison as the click of it unlocking sounds.
"Which brings me straight back to my point about not everything being your business." I retort, continuing my glare as we slide into the car. He keeps his focus straight ahead now, putting the keys in the ignition and starting the engine. "I'm allowed to have a few secrets."
"You don't keep anything from me other than what you know I won't agree with." He retorts, pulling out of the parking space and through the lot. "You've been silent about this party; that's odd. More importantly..." he passes me a glance. "You haven't asked me for anything since I got home."
Pills. Weed. Alcohol.
"I still have some left of what you gave me." I lie, getting comfortable in the seat with my right leg propped up against the door.
"Bullshit." Maverick's reaction is quick and followed by a chuckle. Getting a glimpse of his profile, I see the right side of his mouth turned up in one of those sarcastic smiles he gives me. "You were taking the amount I gave you in two days tops." He reminds me. "I gave you some Thursday. It's now Monday. I'm not stupid, Lilliana."
I stare out the window. Of course he's caught me, not that I expected him not to. I just didn't want to have to listen to his long, dramatic speech today.
All I want to do is go home, get high and mentally laugh at how my parents think I'm being normal.
"We made a deal that you evidently broke; you can trust me so you get from me." He states, annoyed and stiff. "Who gave you more if it wasn't me?"
I roll my eyes, letting out a long groan and tossing my head back against the seat. "Oh my gosh. It was Malachi, okay? It's not that-"
"What the fuck were you doing with Malachi?" He cuts me off, glancing between me and the road.
I open his glovebox, pulling out one of the handful of pre rolled blunt he always stashes in here and the lighter. "It's a really funny story, Maverick." I awkwardly laugh as I hold the flame to the end of the blunt, twisting it around between my thumb and index finger. "So I ran out of the pills you gave me, right?"
"Cut the shit, Liliana."
Tossing the lighter into the cup holder, I bring the blunt to my lips, inhaling deeply as I watch the other end of it burn. "I was gonna steal some from the house we were at." I continue as I exhale. "I didn't know it was Malachi's house. I didn't know the guy at all. I've just heard you all mention his name."
"Just get to the point." He says impatiently as he takes the blunt I pass him.
"He caught me. And then he gave me a bunch of drugs for free."
Maverick falls silent with an expression on his face so unreadable, I don't even bother to tell him he hasn't passed the blunt back after six hits. I am thinking about it though.
"First of all, you don't know this guy, Lilliana." He states after a couple minutes. "Second; he's bad fucking news. Third; I'm praying you didn't do anything for him in return." He shakes the thought out of his head. "Finally...and most importantly...don't you think if you're desperate enough to steal, you should at least start cutting back? You could be addicted or get addicted to these things."
"Of course I'm addicted, silly." I smile to myself a little. There's something about a wow factor that really satisfies me. "It's the only thing that brings me closest to feeling happy."
"Will you stop acting like this is all fun and fucking games, Liliana?" He asks angrily, the bass in his voice getting deeper. "Get serious."
"How is that not being serious, Maverick?"
"What did he give you?" He questions further.
I pause, knowing my answer wouldn't help the situation. "I don't know what they are."
"And you still took them?!" His voice raises. "That's how bad you needed to get high? Weed couldn't have sufficed?"
Weed just doesn't do the trick anymore. I still like to smoke, only if I pill come with it, before it, or soon after it.
He gets quiet again, finally passing the blunt back to me.
"I don't know if I can keep selling you the pills then, Lilli." He says in a lighter tone, using my nickname as if it would make that information hit a little softer.
"I'll just go back to Malachi then, or someone else." I give a shrug, knowing he'd like that idea even less. "You're not the only one selling pills...and I guess not the only one willing to give them to me for free."
"You really piss me off." He says with a sigh. "The deal is back on. But if you break it again, Lilliana...I'm done but not only that, I'll tell your parents you need help."
"Fuck you."
"Fuck you." Maverick looks over at me quickly with a hint of a grin, making me wear a small smile too.