I finally was feeling better about myself. I got another chance with the girl I loved, I had the best friends I could imagine and my parents finally felt normal. This feeling didn't last for long until I finally told my grandma I had a girlfriend and she decided that she didn't want to see me or my parents anymore. My mom had blamed the
"phase" I was in and criticized me the whole day. I never felt enough and apparently I feel like I can be free and show who I am and love is wrong. That night I relapsed after a month clean.
My impulsive thoughts returned, the horrible thoughts of my body image returned, the unwillingness to live returned, I felt as if everything would be better if I didn't exist. If I tried to tell my friends I couldn't and Ara couldn't know what may happen.
I tried to keep going and live the wants that I've wanted my whole life but I didn't have the willingness to keep going. I was drained, tired and depressed. The music that once used to help me, encourage me, enlighten me disappeared. Everything that brought me to life once had disappeared in the blink of an eye and no one knew where it went.