Chapter 3: Meeting the Neighborhood (and Dying a Lot)
[SYSTEM MESSAGE: SUGGESTION: SEEK OUT VARIOUS ADVERSARIES TO DIVERSIFY SKILL ACQUISITION. AVOID REPETITION.]
"Gee, thanks, System," I muttered, sidestepping a rogue energy blast that narrowly missed my head. "Like I hadn't figured that out after getting 'Basic Combat Training' from a glorified space cockroach."
My sarcasm, much like my continued existence, seemed to be holding up remarkably well despite the ongoing apocalypse. After my rather painful acquisition of "Basic Combat Training," I decided a change of scenery – and killers – was in order. Being near the main battle seemed like a good idea for skill acquisition, but I needed to find targets that offered something more.
I dodged through the war-torn streets, the roar of battle a constant backdrop to my increasingly bizarre existence. Buildings were crumbling, cars were exploding, and the sky was still a terrifying spectacle of alien invaders and the occasional superhero flying by. I saw Iron Man zipping around, a blur of red and gold. Captain America was somewhere in the mix, no doubt inspiring everyone while I was busy trying to get myself killed in new and exciting ways.
"Alright, Adam, think. Who's around that offers unique skills? And who's likely to accidentally kill a very confused, sarcastic human? The Hulk. Definitely the Hulk. He's practically a walking, green skill-delivery service."*
Finding the Hulk wasn't exactly hard. You just followed the screams and the sounds of very large things being violently pulverized. I eventually located him near what used to be a rather fancy-looking bank, now a pile of rubble and twisted metal. He was in his element, smashing Chitauri to bits, roaring with unbridled fury. It was majestic and terrifying all at once.
"Okay, how do you get squashed by the Hulk without looking like you're actively trying to get squashed by the Hulk? Subtlety, Adam. Subtlety. And maybe a little bit of opportunistic clumsiness."*
I positioned myself strategically near a group of Chitauri soldiers who were foolishly attempting to engage the Hulk. I made sure to look utterly terrified and incompetent, which, to be fair, wasn't much of a stretch. As the Hulk roared and brought down a massive fist, I deliberately "tripped" over a piece of rebar, falling perfectly into the path of a stray Chitauri soldier that the Hulk was about to swat away.
The impact was less of a direct hit and more of a collateral splattering. The Chitauri soldier disintegrated, and I felt a brief, immense pressure before everything went dark. It wasn't clean, but it was effective.
[SYSTEM MESSAGE: DEATH DETECTED. KILLER: THE HULK (IDENTIFICATION: BRUCE BANNER/THE HULK). SKILL ACQUIRED: LOW-LEVEL GAMMA ABSORPTION.]
[SYSTEM MESSAGE: IMMORTAL SYSTEM ACTIVATED. YOU HAVE 1 LIFE REMAINING AGAINST BRUCE BANNER/THE HULK.]
[SYSTEM MESSAGE: 4 UNIQUE DEATHS RECORDED. CURRENT PROGRESS TO UPGRADE 1: 4/20.]
I gasped back to life, spitting out what tasted suspiciously like alien guts and concrete dust. My body felt surprisingly resilient, almost... tougher. Gamma Absorption? That was actually pretty good!
"Okay, now we're talking! Gamma Absorption! Does this mean I can, like, absorb gamma radiation and then shoot it out of my eyes like a poor man's Cyclops? Or just that I won't get super-cancer if I hang out with Hulk too much? Either way, progress!"*
The Hulk was still rampaging, completely oblivious to my brief, violent demise and subsequent resurrection. Good. I didn't want him to get suspicious. A recurring problem with the whole "immortal" thing was going to be explaining why I kept popping back up after being violently dismembered.
I needed to keep moving. More unique deaths. I spotted a cluster of Chitauri. This time, I decided to try something a little more direct, emboldened by my new "Basic Combat Training" and "Gamma Absorption." I still wasn't a superhero, not by a long shot, but I felt a tiny bit less like a squishy target.
I charged, armed with nothing but my sarcasm and a misplaced sense of bravado. I knew they'd kill me. That was the point. But maybe, just maybe, I could get a slightly better skill this time. I threw a pathetic punch at the nearest Chitauri, which it easily blocked before retaliating with a powerful blow to my head.
The world spun. Darkness enveloped me once more.
[SYSTEM MESSAGE: DEATH DETECTED. KILLER: CHITAURI OFFICER (IDENTIFICATION: UNIT 27-PSI). SKILL ACQUIRED: ADVANCED TACTICAL AWARENESS (LIMITED).]
[SYSTEM MESSAGE: IMMORTAL SYSTEM ACTIVATED. YOU HAVE 1 LIFE REMAINING AGAINST CHITAURI OFFICER UNIT 27-PSI.]
[SYSTEM MESSAGE: 5 UNIQUE DEATHS RECORDED. CURRENT PROGRESS TO UPGRADE 1: 5/20.]
I woke up with a groan, a strange clarity in my mind. Advanced Tactical Awareness (Limited)? Now that was interesting. I suddenly felt like I could see the battlefield, not just as a chaotic mess, but as a series of movements, opportunities, and weaknesses. It was like I had a miniature tactical map in my head.
"Alright, System, you're finally starting to give me some good stuff! Tactical Awareness! Does this mean I can strategize my way out of a paper bag? Or just that I'll know exactly which way to run when a giant purple alien with a chin like a scrotum comes knocking?"*
I immediately put my new skill to the test. I saw a line of Chitauri advancing, but my mind instantly picked out a weakness in their formation, a stray energy generator they were guarding poorly. Not that I was going to attack it, mind you. Just... observe.
Suddenly, a streak of red, white, and blue zipped past. Captain America. He was a whirlwind of motion, his shield deflecting blasts, his fists a blur. He was heading straight for the Chitauri line I had just been observing. And behind him, Black Widow, graceful and deadly, was engaged with a group of skirmishers.
"Right, Cap. The OG. What skills does he offer? Super Soldier Serum? Enhanced Morality? The ability to give inspirational speeches that make you want to fight for justice even when you're just trying to survive? I'll take any of them, honestly."*
I decided to try the "accidental civilian" approach again. I saw Captain America engaged with a particularly nasty-looking Chitauri brute. I stumbled towards them, feigning panic, my new tactical awareness helping me guide my clumsy movements just enough to be in the path of a stray shield throw.
It wasn't a direct hit, more of a glancing blow. But it was enough. The Vibranium shield, even a glancing blow, packed a serious punch. My head snapped back, and darkness claimed me again.
[SYSTEM MESSAGE: DEATH DETECTED. KILLER: CAPTAIN AMERICA (IDENTIFICATION: STEVE ROGERS). SKILL ACQUIRED: BASIC LEADERSHIP AURA (MILD EFFECT).]
[SYSTEM MESSAGE: IMMORTAL SYSTEM ACTIVATED. YOU HAVE 1 LIFE REMAINING AGAINST STEVE ROGERS.]
[SYSTEM MESSAGE: 6 UNIQUE DEATHS RECORDED. CURRENT PROGRESS TO UPGRADE 1: 6/20.]
"Leadership Aura?" I groaned, rubbing my forehead as I blinked back to life. "Seriously? Does this mean I can now convince a group of pigeons to follow me into battle? Or just that I'll look slightly less insane when I try to convince people I'm not a threat?"
I shook my head, already plotting my next strategic demise. This was going to be a long day, but at least I was making progress. Twenty unique deaths. That was the goal. And then, the first upgrade. And then, money. Lots and lots of money. And then, Yelena.
"One step at a time, Adam. First, survive. Second, die productively. Third, get rich. Fourth, annoy Yelena Belova until she falls madly in love with you. Easy peasy. Mostly."*