Kazuki stood in front of the dungeon gate, one eyebrow raised.
"This doesn't look very evil," he muttered.
Renga's local dungeon—Whispergroan Hollow—was known for eerie whispers, shifting walls, and monsters that mimicked your worst fears. Adventurers usually entered in pairs, hoping at least one of them would survive.
Kazuki, of course, entered with a slime bouncing on his head, a majestic wolf on his left, a Philippine eagle circling overhead, and a king cobra curled lazily around his arm like an accessory.
"Don't eat anything unless it screams first," Kazuki warned his companions, who clearly needed no instructions. "Let's make this fast. I left half a grilled cheese in the guild kitchen."
The inside of the dungeon pulsed with gloom—dim blue mana light from the walls, echoing sounds of whispers, and the faint stench of moss and regret.
And yet… silence.
No enemies. No ambushes. Not even a single low-level slime pretending to be a rock.
Kazuki squinted. "…Are we in the right dungeon?"
Suddenly, a kobold ran into the corridor—eyes wide, arms flailing.
"H-he's here! It's HIM! He brought the smile beast!!"
The kobold ran straight past Kazuki, screaming as he dove into a secret tunnel and slammed it shut behind him.
Kazuki blinked.
"Wait. Was that kobold… wearing a name tag?"
The wolf nodded. The eagle cawed. The slime burbled in agreement.
He walked deeper. A few steps in, he passed a locked treasure chest. It sprang open by itself, spitting out loot—mostly healing potions, gold, and a scroll labeled "Sorry!" in shaky handwriting.
He picked it up.
"To our most terrifying visitor: Please accept this treasure. Don't bring the smile one inside. Signed, Mgblark the Dungeon Manager."
Kazuki stared.
"Smile," he muttered, "what did you do?"
Smile wasn't visible at first. But as Kazuki turned a corner, the air shimmered.
There he was—sitting in a levitating armchair, sipping tea from a sideways teapot. The slime's eyes sparkled like galaxies.
"I just optimized the dungeon!" Smile chirped. "Now it runs itself! Efficiency!"
Kazuki stared.
"You made the monsters… manage their own defeat?"
"Why waste everyone's time?" Smile twirled a parasol he absolutely hadn't been carrying earlier. "They drop better loot now too. Oh! This week's miniboss is offering a coupon if you defeat him in under five minutes."
Kazuki rubbed his temples. "This isn't how dungeons are supposed to work."
"Tell that to the jelly cube who just applied for early retirement."
Suddenly, a door opened ahead.
A goblin in a vest and monocle waddled out, holding a clipboard.
"Mr. Kazuki, sir? The boss will see you now. Please don't vaporize the receptionist again."
Kazuki followed, trying very hard not to laugh. Smile floated behind him, humming a tune that sounded suspiciously like elevator music.
Deep Within: The Boss Chamber
The "boss" turned out to be a massive ogre wearing… a suit?
He stood with hands clasped, bowing politely.
"Sir Hero, I'm here for the traditional boss fight. Unless you'd like to skip the combat and go straight to the performance evaluation."
Kazuki paused. "…Performance evaluation?"
The ogre handed him a glowing form titled "Post-Battle Survey".
Smile applauded from behind. "They've gotten very customer-service-oriented since I rearranged the mana laws here."
Kazuki stared at the dungeon around him, which was now more spa than deathtrap.
"…I came here for XP."
The ogre tilted his head. "Would you like us to simulate a fight? We do very convincing illusions."
The companions gave approving grunts, caws, and hisses.
Kazuki sighed.
"Well. I guess we are ahead of schedule."
He cracked his knuckles.
"Alright, team. Let's scare the monsters until the loot begs for mercy."
Post-Battle Recap:
Dungeon completed in 9 minutes.
Boss defeated in simulated slow-motion.
Loot: 1 Guild Upgrade Voucher, New Companion Saddle, and A Potion That May or May Not Be Sentient.
Dungeon now offers a "Kazuki Casual Mode" to other adventurers. It's just yoga.