Season: Summer
Weather: Scorching hot weather. A wildfire blazing out of control out in the hills has choked the entire city in a thick cloud of smoke. It's hard to breathe.
Day of the week: Tuesday
Date: 21st February, 2024
Sigh.
I had nightmares all night. One after the other. Thankfully I didn't make much noise and didn't disturb the men. Seeing as I was exhausted from the busy and disturbed night, I tried to continue drowsing and sleeping after the sun came out with a nasty red glow through the smoke, causing me to fight with my nightmare by fighting my blanket.
The two men had come to check on me and finding me in the throws of a nightmare, woke me up. Boy was I relieved to see them when I opened my eyes. I may have cried a bit. I definitely hugged the one closest to me and refused to let go.
When I was coaxed to release my security tree, I immediately latched onto security tree number two, making the men both laugh helplessly while I hugged tight with both arms and legs until I once more felt something uncomfortable beginning to poke at me. Security tree number one was like that and security tree number two was like that. Why was that? Why would my security trees poke me so? Why did they have to have these types of feelings for me?
Or was it just because neither man had had a woman in their arms for a long time? Or were all men just like this? Tending to think and be moved with their lower bodies?
It really ruins good friendly workplace relationships, you know? Wait. I wasn't even behaving like a proper grownup woman in a workplace under the eyes of her bosses anymore. I was more like a child. A petulant, childish and unwell little brat.
I was forcibly pried loose and sat on the bed, squeezed between the two trees, where they stretched their sturdy arms around me to surround me with the sense of safety. It was a rather nice place to be, until I lowered my head and saw two big tented trousers. Or should I say they were budding mushrooms about to break free from the confines of the earth? Or should I describe it as a pyramidal object?
I don't know what got into my head, but I said the most stupid and outrageous things ever.
"Since you're both... like that... and you're both so good to me, you both can have me. Anyway you want."
The men fled for the bathrooms with beetroot coloured faces, leaving me alone in my room. The bedroom door was even shut for me to better 'reflect' upon myself.
I say, who was it that came onto me yesterday? All those donuts, chocolate and vanilla. Who really needs to reflect on their self? I finally give my consent and they go running for the hills. What did this mean?
Neither of them are very serious? Neither of them like me? Forgive me for being an idiot, but I admit to having low emotional intelligence. Or rather, to having a blocked emotional intelligence.
Hmm. Perhaps the doctor's scolding had gotten through for once and the men would be leaving me alone for now. In which case, their request for me to reflect was valid.
Since I was forbidden from leaving my room for the day such that my meals were slid in on a tray and the empty dishes taken away while I was having a nap, I daresay that I definitely said the wrong thing. Next time, if there is ever a next time, I'll just take down those pants and be done with it all.
Uh... Did I say that? Let's pretend I didn't say that, ok? I'm not that thirsty.
It's just that I can't be bothered trying to guess and play games. Since it's lust they feel, just give them what they want and perhaps they'll be able to move on. I'll move on too. Move on... Maybe it's time to find a new job. A few new jobs and move out.
What a pity. I like this company. They're the most humane employers I've ever come across. Why should I have to change jobs because of emotional entanglements that I don't know what to do with? Do I really want to go back to those exploitative jobs again? And if I did go back to working non-stop with only 3 hours sleep a night again, how much longer would I be able to live?
Perhaps I'd die in my sleep. Sudden death syndrome. That would be nice. People would probably celebrate when they found my body. No. That's unfair to the few people who have been closely caring for me and helping me here. I shouldn't be so mean or rude.
I may be tired and fed up with life, but I am still alive. While still alive, I suppose I can keep living a little longer and a little longer than that. And then a little longer again. Eventually, perhaps, maybe, I'll find something beautiful worth living for again.
Maybe if I have someone's baby, I could watch the child grow. Wouldn't that be satisfying and lovely?
Also tiring. Waking up for feedings. Changing diapers and wiping little bottoms. Clinging little hands, constant crying with no reprieve and no privacy or time to oneself. I've seen other mothers go through the sleep deprived motions and even one mother become so desperate she almost shook the child to death. Good thing there was someone there to save the baby and send her out on a much needed break.
What if I got postpartum depression? Who would take care of the poor baby while I wasn't in my right mind? What if I, God forbid, hurt the baby? Ugh. Too horrible to consider.
On another note, someone definitely read my journal last night. My journal had been moved. Someone accidentally creased a corner and dropped a drop of water on the page. You'd think that they'd at least try to make it look like they hadn't peeked, right? It's not as if I said anything that would make them cry, right? What was there for big, strong men like them to cry about? I wonder if they will heed my warning or will continue to read my journal again tonight?
Actually, it's not a bad idea for them to read the journal sometimes. At least that way I won't have to talk to them about the things I don't want to talk about. I hardly talk normally anyway, so if they want to know what's going on in my head, they have to read my journal. Which is probably why they have been reading my journal on the sly.
I really don't want to encourage this kind of privacy invading behaviour though. It's suffocating. Extremely, very suffocating.