One peaceful morning, as the disciples practiced "Stillness Through Goat Observation" and Wei Long made another failed attempt to sneak away disguised as a beggar, a messenger hawk landed with a scroll tied to its leg and pure menace in its eyes.
Lin Qian opened the scroll and immediately turned pale.
"Master… this is a challenge letter."
Wei Long looked up from his sack disguise. "From who?"
Duan Fei read aloud, voice shaking:
"To the fraudulent so-called Master Wei Long —You have deceived nobles, bewitched commoners, and dishonored the path of cultivation.We, the Five Venoms Sect, demand you appear in the Wailing Bamboo Forest in three days —Alone —Or we will raze your mountain, salt your soil, and… confiscate your goats."
Wei Long blinked. "The goats?"
"The goats, Master," Duan Fei confirmed.
Wei Long considered for a long moment. "We can give them one goat, maybe."
But Lin Qian was already fired up. "We can't let them trample your name, Master! The Five Venoms Sect is notorious — poison techniques, dark rituals, horrible poetry. They're the villains in every folk tale!"
"Good," said Wei Long. "Then they'll be used to disappointment."
Two days later, Wei Long found himself reluctantly standing at the edge of the Wailing Bamboo Forest, holding a bag of steamed buns and very much wishing he were somewhere else.
He had come alone, as requested. Though technically, so had Duan Fei — by hiding inside a hollow gourd and rolling after him.
The bamboo groaned with unnatural wind. Purple fog curled along the forest floor.
And then — they arrived.
Dozens of black-robed figures emerged from the mist, masks shaped like snakes, scorpions, centipedes. At their head stood a tall man with green robes, six rings on each hand, and a hairstyle that made him look like a disappointed peacock.
"I am Sect Leader Yi Feng of the Five Venoms Sect," he declared. "Your tricks have gone too far."
Wei Long chewed a bun. "Tricks?"
"You made the Crimson Solace Sect abandon their assassination missions and take up pottery!"
"That sounds… like a good thing?"
"You turned Prince Jin Wu into a pacifist poet!"
"He was already halfway there."
"You humiliated our spies with your… 'chicken formation!'"
Wei Long frowned. "Wait, that was a real sect technique?"
Yi Feng raised a hand. "Enough! The heavens demand retribution!"
He gestured, and three masked disciples stepped forward, each holding weapons dipped in glowing venom.
Wei Long put down his bun. "You don't want to do this."
"Oh?" Yi Feng sneered. "You think your reputation will save you?"
"No," Wei Long said. "But the buns might."
Then he tossed one behind the three assassins.
A goat — having wandered in pursuit of its master — charged.
It barreled through the trio with supernatural enthusiasm, sending them flying into the bamboo. Their poison flasks shattered. The vapors mixed, exploded, and turned the mist into a psychedelic fog that made several more cultists drop their weapons and start singing about birds.
Wei Long stared.
So did Yi Feng.
"…Was that a technique?" the sect leader whispered.
Wei Long looked the man dead in the eye and said solemnly,"Yes. Goat Path, Second Movement: Bun Lure."
Yi Feng took a step back.
Another goat appeared. Then two more.
In the distance, Lin Qian had released the whole herd.
The Five Venoms disciples, already unnerved, began to panic.
"We weren't trained for stampedes!"
"They've got bells on—that one's glowing!"
A young recruit screamed, "The legends were true!"
Wei Long watched in horror as one of the goats headbutted a talisman pillar, causing the sect's barrier to collapse. A second goat kicked a fire lantern into the alchemy shack. The shack exploded.
Moments later, the entire bamboo forest was lit up in dazzling colors, smoke, chaos… and bleating.
Yi Feng turned to Wei Long, eyes wide with fear.
"You… You've mastered the Dao of Beasts!"
"No. I'm just very bad at keeping gates closed."
But it was too late.
Yi Feng dropped to his knees, coughing from the fumes."We surrender! Please! Tell your… your divine beasts to stand down!"
Wei Long turned to the herd. They ignored him and continued chasing venom disciples around in circles.
It took two hours, a sack of buns, and a full moonrise to calm them.
By the end of the night, the Five Venoms Sect had disbanded. Their leader signed a peace scroll, renounced all poison techniques, and pledged to open an herbal bakery on the condition that Wei Long never sent another goat their way.
Wei Long walked home at dawn, exhausted.
Duan Fei peeked out of the gourd."Master… was this all part of your plan?"
Wei Long looked at the sunrise. "No. But it was part of someone's joke."
Back at the mountain, Lin Qian had already painted a new plaque:
'Sect Destroyer Wei Long — Tamer of Beasts, Breaker of Venoms'
Wei Long stared at it for a long time.
"…At this point, I give up."
To be continued…