THE FOG HAD SWALLOWED THE DARKNESS WHOLE.
MY FOOTSTEPS GREW FASTER, MY BREATH HEAVIER—LIKE SOMETHING WAS LODGED IN MY CHEST. A WEIGHT I COULDN'T NAME. A SILENCE TOO LOUD.
THEN SUDDENLY, A QUIET SHADOW PASSED BESIDE ME. AND FROM BEHIND, A VOICE—SOFT, BROKEN, ALMOST LOST IN THE WIND:
"SOUH..."
AND WITH THAT, IT DISAPPEARED.
MY EYES WIDENED.
I WAS IN MY ROOM. THE NIGHT HAD FOLDED ITSELF AROUND ME LIKE A HEAVY BLANKET.
AND THEN IT HIT ME—
IT HAD BEEN THREE YEARS.
THREE YEARS SINCE HE LEFT.
I SAT UP SLOWLY, WRAPPED MY ARMS AROUND MY KNEES, PRESSING MY CHEST LIKE I COULD HOLD MY HEART TOGETHER WITH BOTH HANDS.
AND I WHISPERED, BARELY AUDIBLE,
"THE PAIN… IT NEVER ENDS."
I RUSHED TO THE WINDOW AT THE FAR END OF MY ROOM AND PULLED ASIDE THE THIN CURTAINS. IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND MY HEART WAS STILL TREMBLING. I STEADIED MY THOUGHTS WITH A DEEP BREATH AND OPENED MY EYES TO THE NIGHT BEYOND.
THE STREET OUTSIDE WAS SILENT, THE LAMPS ALL DIMMED—AS IF THE CITY ITSELF HAD FALLEN ASLEEP. SO MUCH HAD CHANGED IN THESE PAST THREE YEARS.
AFTER A FEW QUIET MINUTES, I TURNED BACK INTO MY COLD ROOM AND LEANED AGAINST THE CHILLED GLASS OF THE WINDOW. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN I FELL ASLEEP.
MORNING CAME, AND THE SOUND OF BIRDS STIRRED ME AWAKE.
ANOTHER ORDINARY DAY, REPEATING ITSELF LIKE ALL THE OTHERS.
I SHOWERED, ATE BREAKFAST IN THE SILENCE OF THE HOUSE—JUST LIKE ALWAYS. DARK, QUIET, HOLLOW.
I PICKED UP MY PHONE AND STEPPED OUTSIDE. I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE I WAS GOING, BUT I FELT LIKE I HAD TO GO.
I SHUT THE DOOR BEHIND ME, AND THE HOUSE SEEMED TO FALL INTO SILENCE ALL OVER AGAIN.
AFTER WALKING A FEW BLOCKS, A MEMORY GRIPPED ME—THE PARK WHERE I'D FIRST SEEN SOUH.
SUDDENLY, SOMETHING SHOOK INSIDE MY CHEST. A TREMOR THAT PULLED ME IN THAT DIRECTION.
BUT I STOPPED MYSELF. I TURNED AWAY.
EVEN AFTER THREE YEARS, I STILL COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO GO BACK THERE.
MAYBE IT WAS ANGER.
OR FEAR.
OR SORROW.
OR ALL OF THEM TANGLED INTO ONE.
I THOUGHT I COULD STOP MYSELF, BUT THE IMAGE OF THAT PARK CLUNG TO ME LIKE A SHADOW.
EVEN THE SKY FELT DIMMER, LIKE IT HAD FORGOTTEN HOW TO SHINE.
THAT NIGHT, I FOUND MYSELF LYING ON MY BED, EYES FIXED ON THE CEILING.
AND AGAIN, THAT TREMOR IN MY CHEST.
IT PULLED ME.
BACK TO THAT PARK.
THE PLACE WHERE IT HAD ALL BEGUN.
THE PARK, THREE YEARS AGO.
UNCONSCIOUSLY, I FOUND MYSELF APPROACHING THE TREE WHERE HE USED TO LEAN—UP ON THE SLOPE ABOVE THE PLAYGROUND. FROM THERE, THE WHOLE PARK WAS VISIBLE.
I RESTED MY HEAD AGAINST THE THICK TRUNK, LETTING THE SOFT SOUND OF WIND RUSTLING THROUGH THE LEAVES CALM MY BREATH.
AND THEN I SAW IT—
A SHADOW AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I STARTED RUNNING.
MAYBE I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMEONE I KNEW.
I CHASED IT DOWN THE SLOPE, BUT SUDDENLY—
IT WAS GONE.
MY KNEES BUCKLED, AND I LEANED FORWARD, HANDS GRIPPING THEM AS I TRIED TO CATCH MY BREATH.
WHEN I LOOKED UP AGAIN…
SIA WAS SITTING ALONE ON THE SWING.
THE BLACK OF HER HAIR CLASHED AGAINST THE WHITE METAL FRAME.
SHE WORE JEANS, A LEATHER JACKET, AND A PURPLE TOP THAT SHIMMERED FAINTLY IN THE LIGHT BOUNCING OFF HER GLASSES.
SHE HAD NOTICED ME.
"KAI," SHE SAID IN A DRY VOICE, "A FRIEND FROM LAST YEAR, A STRANGER THIS YEAR."
HER TONE SOFTENED INTO SOMETHING HEAVIER, SOMETHING WITH SADNESS.
"EVER SINCE SOUH DISAPPEARED, I RARELY SEE YOU."
SHE LET OUT A LONG SIGH.
THEN, AFTER A PAUSE, HER VOICE LOWERED, HESITANT.
"HEY, KAI… CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING STRANGE?"
I NODDED SLOWLY.
"DID YOU… LIKE SOUH?"
SHE BIT HER LIP.
"I MEAN… NOT JUST AS A FRIEND."
I FROZE.
SHE LOOKED DOWN AND KICKED AT THE DIRT.
"I REMEMBER DURING THOSE FIRST FEW DAYS… HOW CLOSE YOU TWO GOT.
HONESTLY… I WAS KIND OF JEALOUS OF HIM."
MY HEART SANK.
MY EYES WIDENED.
A COLD SWEAT TRICKLED DOWN MY BACK.
"W-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, SIA? ME AND SOUH… WE'RE JUST FRIENDS. THAT'S ALL."
SHE STOOD UP FROM THE SWING SLOWLY, A SAD SMILE TUGGING AT HER LIPS.
"I SEE…"
SHE TURNED TO LEAVE.
I COULDN'T FULLY SEE HER FACE. SHE LEFT ME ALONE,
NOT JUST IN THE PARK, BUT IN MY THOUGHTS.
ON THE OUTSIDE, I STAYED QUIET.
BUT INSIDE… I WAS UNRAVELING.
WHY HAD HER WORDS SHAKEN ME SO DEEPLY?
I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE MYSELF.
MY CHEST ACHED HARDER THAN BEFORE.
WITH ALL MY STRENGTH, I TRIED TO SHAKE OFF THE THOUGHTS, BUT THEY CLUNG TO ME LIKE THORNS.
"WAS SIA RIGHT…?"
I RAN.
MAYBE IF I TIRED MYSELF OUT ENOUGH,
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO THINK.
I SHUT MY EYES AND RAN
FROM THE PARK, FROM MY THOUGHTS,
FROM EVERYTHING.