Now, an intelligent person might suggest avoiding potential encounters with hostile entities altogether, opting instead for stealthy navigation around dangers rather than engaging them head-on whenever possible.
However, our party wasn't composed of strategists and scholars who carefully planned and analyzed every scenario beforehand.
Instead, we consisted of four idiots thrown into perilous circumstances far beyond normal human comprehension. Naturally, errors followed suit.
In short: we encountered trolls.
Funny thing was that the 'fucking' in 'actual fucking trolls' wasn't mere colloquialism—it was literal. As luck would have it, our route led us directly toward their den, where these gigantic monstrosities busied themselves doing unspeakable acts.
I saw them from afar, rutting, their colossal bodies gyrating rhythmically amidst deafening cries. No wonder there were no goblins in the vicinity; even those pesky little bastards knew better than to disturb the mighty tusked behemoths. Especially during mating season.
But humans are driven more by their curiosity than caution—a trait we displayed all too clearly today.
"What is happening?" Theo questioned hesitantly. She hid behind a tree, barely peeking past its thick trunk. I could tell from the wide-eyed look plastered across her delicate features exactly how utterly terrified she actually was beneath that bravado.
Yet still, I felt compelled to humor her question. After all, ignoring questions often led to misconceptions borne of ignorance... and honestly, watching these gargantuan beasts hump one another served as quite the spectacle!
"Can't you tell?" Jeremy snorted, amusement glimmering mischievously in his eyes. Clearly enjoying herself despite—or perhaps due—to our precarious circumstances. She grinned widely, displaying rows upon rows of pristine white teeth. "They're making love!"
"Love?!" Theo exclaimed incredulously before clamping a hand over her mouth and slapping another atop Jeremy's lips simultaneously. Muffled mumblings escaped through her fingers.
I smirked slightly at Theo's evident discomfort concerning matters of the carnal.
Even after our transformation, certain aspects seemed impervious to alteration regardless of outward changes imposed upon them.
Jeremy pushed Theo away playfully.
"D-D-Don't shout! Are you stupid or something?!" Oliver admonished both sharply, albeit keeping her own volume low. She jabbed an accusing finger towards the frolicking beasts, brows furrowed angrily as if reprimanding errant children for their indiscretion.
"Oh come on, relax! Those beasts won't hear jack shit! Their ears must be filled with dicks—" Jeremy replied flippantly only to receive a jab at her side courtesy of yours truly. She squawked indignantly, her upper body comically folding. She shot me a baleful glare.
I ignored her.
Theo sighed softly, shaking her head. "How did we end up here anyway?" She asked dejectedly.
"Easy: we took the scenic route!" Jeremy grinned.
Oliver scoffed. "Yeah. A real fucking detour." She muttered dryly under her breath. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "I wonder who led us down this path?"
Jeremy stuck her tongue out cheekily. "Hey, it's not like I knew about these guys!" She protested. "Blame my poor sense of direction, not me!"
I couldn't help but chuckle softly. Then I realized... "Why are we still here anyway?"
We shifted our eyes towards the beasts.
They were still expressing their love for each other, each hump of their hips shaking the earth.
A leaf fluttered on top of my head.
Oliver swatted it away gently.
"Right. Let's go." I said.
"We're leaving?" Jeremy raised an eyebrow.
"Do you wanna watch more?" I mirrored her raised eyebrow.
"No, but..." She pointed somewhere near the beasts. I followed the line of her finger. I squinted my eyes. There was something there, behind the wrestling pair. A toppled caravan. "There's something shiny over there." She said. "I want it."
"Are you insane?!" Oliver hissed.
Jeremy shrugged. "I'm not, and besides, you're talking to a dude that has seen all sorts of hentai."
"I don't think hentai has any correlation to our current situation." Theo argued, scratching the side of her head.
"Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. We'll see. But that thing's gotta be worth a lot."
"It might not even be that valuable, you know." Oliver reasoned. "It's not like we can appraise things."
"Exactly. Which is why we need to get it. To know." Jeremy retorted.
I looked at them. "Survival Tip Number Three: Don't let greed blind you."
"Survival Tip Number Four: Do anything you can to improve your chances of survival." Jeremy retorted. "You can't seriously expect to survive only by hunting and eating rabbits, can you? There's gotta be more to this whole fantasy world shit. I refuse to believe that I got isekai'd into this world just to die like a wimp." She turned to Oliver and Theo. "What about you, guys? Are you really satisfied with that kind of ending?"
They exchanged glances. Finally, Oliver nodded. For some reason, Jeremy always managed to hit her weak spots. "Alright. What's your plan, genius?"
Jeremy chortled like the mischievous little gremlin that she was. "It's quite simple. We're gonna steal their treasure. All we need is a distraction."
Oliver's eyes bulged. "You mean a sacrifice?"
"What? No, no, no, no! What the hell is wrong with you? You need to stop hanging out with your edgy online friends. I meant a diversion." Jeremy shook her head. "Hmm, but what could work?" She cupped her chin and fell into a thoughtful pose.
"You're making this unnecessarily complicated. Just throw a stone somewhere far away." I suggested.
Jeremy snapped her fingers. "That's it!"
Theo sighed.
"Wait, wait!" I stopped her on her tracks. Mine was an oversimplified idea. "Trolls could have a sharp sense of smell. If we misdirect their attention from their love making, they could notice us. I don't think they'll be in a loving mood after that. Let's not take any chances." I looked at Oliver and Theo. "Ideas?"
"We could mask our scent." Theo suggested. "Covering ourselves with mud might help."
"Mud?" I trailed off. "That's..."
"A good idea, actually." Oliver nodded. "Better than risking our lives by throwing a rock to the other side of the forest. What if they have good hearing too? Besides, we don't need to distract them, do we? They're already plenty distracted."
I looked at Jeremy, who was now grinning. "No complaints from me, man. We'll roll in the mud, like pigs." She snickered.
"Guess we're doing that, then." I chuckled.
We promptly hiked our way back to our camp, right by the lake, and soon enough we were slathering each other in mud. The cool, squelchy substance felt weird against my skin; an odd sensation akin to being encased by wet clay. But I ignored the discomfort, focusing instead on covering up as much of myself as possible.
I found it strange to have to apply the muddy coat to my friends as well. It wasn't the fact that they were girls that bothered me, but rather, I didn't know what to do with my hands.
I expected some sort of outta pocket teasing from Jeremy, especially when I had to apply a bountiful coat of mud to her lower back, but none came.
She tensed up and stayed quiet.
"You okay?"
"Yeah…"
I sped up the process.
Oliver and Theo slathered each other without any comments.
By the time we were done, we looked so goofy and ridiculous.
Why were we doing this again? Ah, yes. Survival Tip Number Four—or some shit like that. It was so dangerous that it bordered on suicidal, but Jeremy wasn't wrong.
We had to take a risk if we wanted to improve our circumstances.
After the deed was done, we returned to our original position. The trolls were still mating. I wondered how long it would last.
Surely it had to end at some point.
Maybe they had to keep doing it until the female was impregnated. Or maybe it was some sort of ritual. Or maybe they were just horny as fuck. Who knew?
"This is the dumbest plan we've ever agreed on." I muttered.
Jeremy beamed. "Which makes it the most us plan ever."
We crept forward, crouching low. Every few feet, someone would step on a twig or accidentally grunt. Theo, for instance, tripped over a rock and face planted into a patch of moss with all the grace of a dropped sack of laundry.
I paused, held my breath. No reaction from the trolls.
They were still at it—less like a ritual now, more like a demolition site. Flesh slapped, trees bent, birds screamed in protest and fled.
"Okay." I whispered. "Target's the caravan. We get in, grab whatever's shiny, get out."
"And if they notice us?" Theo hissed.
"Then we hope mud makes for decent armor." I replied grimly.
We split up slightly, skirting along the treeline. I led the way, sticking to shadows and avoiding obvious crunch hazards. My eyes stayed locked on the collapsed caravan just behind the two trolls.
It looked like an old merchant's rig, half-smashed under a fallen tree, with one wheel still spinning lazily in the wind.
Closer.
Closer.
At twenty feet away, the scent hit me. Something like stale coins, old perfume, and troll sweat. I gagged silently and pressed on. Jeremy was right behind me, followed by Theo and Oliver.
We reached the caravan.
The shiny object glinted from within a half-shattered crate: a crystalline orb, glowing faintly with an inner blue light. Probably magical. Possibly cursed. Definitely worth risking our asses for.
Next to it was a broken chest, with coins spilling out.
A couple of weapons lay discarded.
Jeremy reached out with a trembling hand.
And that's when it happened.
A wet, fleshy slap echoed behind us. Followed by a guttural grunt.
I didn't turn around. I didn't want to turn around.
But Jeremy did.
"Oh no." She whispered. "It came."
I turned.
One of the trolls was staring at us.
Its massive jaw hung slack. A long strand of drool slid down its chin. Its mate, undeterred, continued to hump the air in its absence. But this one—this one saw us.
"Don't move." I breathed. "It can't see motion. Maybe." Yes, I was delusional.
Jeremy was frozen, mid-reach, hand inches from the orb.
The troll blinked.
Then it roared.
"FUCK!"
"GRAB IT!" I shouted.
Jeremy snatched the orb. Theo screamed. Oliver launched into a sprint before anyone else. I turned, running as fast as my mud-slick feet could carry me, not before grabbing as much as I could.
The earth shook as the troll barreled after us.
So much for stealth.
So much for sacred troll mating rituals.
We were now just four muddy idiots being chased through a forest by a half-aroused, fully enraged troll.
And somehow, Jeremy was still laughing.