Chapter 12: Unparalleled
Somewhere along the Fire Country border
**The Land of Hot Water**
In a cramped hotel room that smelled faintly of instant ramen and regret, Orochimaru hunched over a makeshift laboratory that looked more like a mad scientist's fever dream than anything resembling proper equipment. Test tubes filled with suspicious liquids bubbled ominously, while he muttered calculations under his breath like a man trying to balance his taxes after discovering he owed the IRS his firstborn child.
The Hidden Mist Village had been throwing what could generously be called a "diplomatic tantrum" lately. Sarutobi Hiruzen, in his infinite wisdom and paranoia, had shipped Orochimaru off to babysit the border with a handful of Konoha ninjas and some ANBU who probably drew the short straw that morning.
When Mist ninjas came knocking to "test the waters," Orochimaru had welcomed them with all the warmth of a wood chipper. The subsequent massacre had been so thorough that even the local wildlife had started avoiding the area, presumably out of professional courtesy.
Orochimaru's tongue flicked out reflexively as he contemplated the political chessboard. "Any day now, someone's going to light the fuse on this powder keg. All we need is one idiot with delusions of grandeur to throw the first punch."
**CRASH!**
The beaker in front of him exploded like his hopes and dreams, coating the table in what looked suspiciously like rainbow-colored disappointment.
He didn't even flinch. After decades of experimental failures, explosions had become as routine as morning coffee. At least the coffee didn't usually try to dissolve his eyebrows.
"Sensei's playing it safe again," he mused, cleaning glass shards from his workspace with the casual efficiency of someone who'd done this dance a thousand times. "He should pick the weakest village and steamroll them so fast they don't have time to cry for help. Nothing says 'don't mess with us' quite like turning someone into a cautionary tale."
Konoha was riding high on their success, practically drunk on their own power. They could probably flatten any single village in a weekend and still have time for brunch. But once the dominoes started falling and everyone joined the party, even Konoha would find themselves drowning in a sea of very angry, very motivated enemies.
Still, this was classic Hiruzen—about as aggressive as a declawed house cat. Sending Orochimaru to hold the border was probably the most decisive thing the old man had done since deciding what to have for breakfast. Jiraiya would've tried to seduce the enemy into submission, and Tsunade would've gambled away their strategic advantages before the first battle.
**Whoosh**
An ANBU materialized in the room like a particularly ominous party trick, because apparently privacy was just a suggestion when you worked for the government.
"Lord Orochimaru, we have a situation with the Mist ninjas."
Orochimaru didn't bother looking up from his chemistry set of doom. "Let me guess—did that walking sushi platter Fuguki Suikazan finally grow a spine?"
"Negative, sir. Intelligence reports a Kaguya clan jonin has breached our perimeter and is heading for the recovery team's position."
"Ah, the Kaguya clan." Orochimaru's grin could've powered a small village. "Those beautiful, bone-wielding psychopaths."
When even Orochimaru—a man who collected human experiments like trading cards—called someone crazy, you knew they'd really committed to the bit.
"The recovery team might be compromised. Do you want us to—"
"Oh, this is rich," Orochimaru interrupted, finally looking up with the expression of someone who'd just solved a particularly entertaining puzzle. "Kirigakure's testing our resolve with their most expendable lunatic. If the Kaguya succeeds, they'll know we're spread thin. If he dies horribly—which, let's face it, is the smart money—they get rid of a political headache who probably votes against them in every clan meeting."
The ANBU stood at attention, radiating the patience of someone paid to deal with eccentric geniuses.
"Send a team. Make it interesting," Orochimaru waved dismissively. "I need to stay here in case Fuguki decides to turn this into a real party. That fish-faced bastard's been looking for an excuse to cause trouble."
"Understood, sir."
The ANBU vanished like smoke, leaving Orochimaru alone with his thoughts and his increasingly unstable experiments.
"A Kaguya with an active Shikotsumyaku..." he mused, practically drooling at the thought. "Now that would be worth dissecting. For science, of course."
---
*Meanwhile, in the forest*
"I'm just a body collector, I'm just a body collector," Qifeng chanted like a mantra while princess-carrying an unconscious Imai Kuriyama through the trees. It was a coping mechanism he'd developed right around the time his life had started resembling a particularly vindictive episode of a survival reality show.
He was trying very hard not to think about Kakashi and whatever fresh hell was probably unfolding behind them. Kakashi was talented, experienced, and had that special brand of protagonist plot armor that kept him breathing through increasingly ridiculous situations.
For a brief, shining moment, Qifeng allowed himself to feel like he was winning at life. Beautiful day, gentle breeze, unconscious girl in his arms—it was almost romantic if you ignored the part where they were fleeing for their lives through hostile territory.
Life, however, has a sense of humor about as refined as a brick to the face.
Qifeng's good mood evaporated like his chances of a peaceful retirement when he spotted the figure lounging on a tree branch ahead. The guy had the kind of classical ugly that suggested generations of careful inbreeding, complete with a topknot that looked like it had been styled by a particularly vindictive hairdresser and red facial markings that screamed "I make questionable life choices."
"Oh, come on," Qifeng muttered, his optimism dying a slow, painful death. "Really? Really?"
The stranger had the distinctive bone-pale complexion and predatory grin that marked him as Kaguya clan—nature's way of warning everyone else that this person should not be approached, fed, or made eye contact with.
"I'm just a genin," Qifeng said to the universe at large, as if this might somehow influence the cosmic forces conspiring against him.
The Kaguya clan were the kind of people who made 'unhinged' look like a lifestyle choice. They approached violence with the enthusiasm of a wine mom approaching a book club meeting, except instead of discussing romance novels, they were discussing how many bones they could break before their opponents stopped screaming.
If Obito hadn't eventually turned Kirigakure into a blender set to 'frappe,' the Kaguya clan would've probably conquered half the world through sheer, concentrated crazy.
Qifeng gently placed Imai against a tree, the way one might handle a very expensive, very fragile vase while being held at gunpoint.
"Hey there, Konoha brat," Kaguya Chiren called out with the casual friendliness of someone asking for directions to the nearest bloodbath. "Where are all your strong fighters hiding?"
Qifeng put on his best 'helpful local civilian' expression and pointed toward the town where Orochimaru was presumably still playing with his chemistry set of mass destruction.
"Oh, that way! About an hour's walk. You can't miss it—just follow the screaming."
"Perfect."
Chiren hopped down and started walking in that direction with the purposeful stride of someone heading to their favorite restaurant.
Qifeng remained perfectly still, like a deer that had just realized it was standing in the middle of a highway during rush hour. Every survival instinct he possessed was screaming at him to not move, not breathe, and preferably not exist until the scary bone ninja went away.
Only when Chiren had nearly disappeared into the forest did Qifeng allow himself to breathe again. His shirt was soaked with the kind of sweat that came from staring death in the face and somehow convincing it to take a raincheck.
"Holy shit, did that actually work?" he whispered to himself, riding a brief high of victory. "I'm basically a genius. A tactical mastermind. I should write a book about—"
Chiren stopped walking.
Qifeng's heart performed an impressive gymnastics routine in his chest.
"Oh no," he said.
Chiren turned around wearing the kind of smile that belonged in a horror movie. "You know what? I just remembered something important about my mission parameters."
"...what's that?" Qifeng asked, though he really, really didn't want to know.
"I'm supposed to kill every Konoha ninja I run into. Funny how that slipped my mind."
In Qifeng's eyes, that smile transformed into the grin of a demon who'd just figured out a particularly creative way to collect souls.
"Look, I'm barely a genin," Qifeng said with the desperate reasonableness of someone trying to negotiate with a shark. "I'm like... ninja plankton. Not even worth the calories you'd burn killing me."
"Don't worry," Chiren said, cracking his knuckles with sounds like breaking chopsticks. "I'll make it quick. Efficiency is a virtue."
The ground under Chiren's feet exploded into spider web cracks as he launched himself forward with the acceleration of a cannonball fired from point-blank range.
So fast!
Qifeng's brain processed approximately three thoughts in the time it took Chiren to cross the distance: 'Oh shit', 'I'm going to die' and 'Why didn't I become an accountant like Mom wanted'?
With nowhere to run and no time to dodge, he crossed his arms in front of his chest in what was probably the most optimistic defensive gesture in ninja history.
**WHAM!**
Chiren's fist connected with Qifeng's guard with the force of a small meteorite. The impact felt like being hit by a freight train that had been launched from a cannon which had itself been fired from a bigger cannon.
Qifeng's feet left the ground as he rocketed backward, his trajectory more closely resembling a human-shaped missile than anything involving voluntary movement. He crashed into a tree with enough force to snap the trunk, because apparently the forest had volunteered to participate in his impromptu flying lesson.
*Cough, splutter, wheeze.*
He hit the ground like a sack of broken dreams, immediately painting the forest floor with what had probably been important internal fluids. His arms had swollen to roughly twice their normal size and felt like they'd been processed through a meat tenderizer operated by someone with anger management issues.
"Huh." Chiren tilted his head like a confused predator. "That's weird. Most genin just... explode."
He looked almost disappointed, like someone who'd ordered their favorite dish only to discover the restaurant had run out of the good stuff.
"You're at least chunin level, aren't you? This might actually be fun!"
To Chiren, genin were basically moving target practice—about as entertaining as watching paint dry. But a chunin? That was like upgrading from checkers to chess, except the chess pieces bled and made interesting noises when you broke them.
Qifeng struggled to his feet with all the grace of a newborn giraffe having an existential crisis. He spat out a mixture of blood and what might have been a tooth, though at this point he wasn't keeping track of his body parts.
"Feeling better? Great! Let's go another round!" Chiren called out with the enthusiasm of someone who'd just discovered their favorite hobby.
Qifeng ran his tongue over his gums and spat out another mouthful of what his body had apparently decided it could live without. His eyes found Imai, still unconscious against the tree, blissfully unaware that her rescue mission had turned into a front-row seat to his impending dismemberment.
In his palm, invisible to everyone else, a card materialized—his ace in the hole, his get-out-of-death-free card, his "break glass in case of imminent doom" option.
"Why can't anything ever be simple?" he muttered to the universe, which seemed to take this as a personal challenge.
He looked at Imai one more time, unconscious and vulnerable, then back at Chiren, who was practically vibrating with anticipation.
Damn human nature.
He didn't want to do this. He'd signed up for corpse collection, not whatever this was turning into. But here he was, about to go full video game protagonist because apparently his moral compass had decided to show up at the worst possible moment.
Fine,he thought grimly. Time to show this psychopath what 'unparalleled' really means.
[Activating Iwagakure Village Quasi-Kage Akagi Tsukasa Experience Card (Rare). Beginning power level synchronization...]
[Activation successful! Compatibility rating: calculating...]