Dante Steelblade, age 17, was the kind of guy who would punch a dragon in the snout just to prove he had bigger balls than brains.
That's not a metaphor. He'd actually tried it once.
He lost three fingers, an eyebrow, and a bet with a goblin. But what he lacked in sense, he made up for in courage and an unwavering desire to be a hero.
Which brings us to today.
Dante stood at the edge of the newest dungeon portal, wearing a smirk that said, "This is gonna be awesome" and armor that said, "I spent all my coin at the pub instead."
Next to him stood Pickle Peter, glittery staff in one hand, the other resting sassily on his hip. He wore a neon pink unicorn onesie with silver horn embroidery and rhinestones along the butt.
"You're going to die in the first five minutes," Peter said flatly. "And I don't have a resurrection spell yet. Just sparkles. Literal sparkles."
Dante adjusted his secondhand breastplate, grinning like a man who had no business grinning. "That's why you're here, Pickle. You distract them with the glitter, I bash 'em with my sword. Teamwork."
Peter rolled his eyes. "You don't have a sword. You've got a sharpened broomstick and a flask of expired stamina potions."
"It's a tactical polearm, and that potion might be chunky, but it still kicks like a yak."
The system notification chimed in their minds.
⟦ SYSTEM ONLINE ⟧
User: DANTE STEELBLADE
Race: Human
Class: Aspirant Warrior (Pending Trial Completion)
Level: 1
Title: "That Idiot Who Punched a Dragon"
HP: 100/100
MP: 10/10
STR: 14
DEX: 8
INT: 4
WIS: 3
CHA: 12
LCK: 18
Weapon: "Sharpstick the Broomblade" (+1 to splinters)
Equipment: Rusty Breastplate, Confidence
Active Quests:
— "Enter the Dungeon of Distant Moaning"
— "Try Not to Die"
— "Impress Literally Anyone"
User: PICKLE PETER
Race: Elf (Part-Time)
Class: Sparklemancer (Rare Cursed Variant)
Level: 1
Title: "Unicorn of Vengeance"
HP: 60/60
MP: 150/150
STR: 4
DEX: 10
INT: 16
WIS: 14
CHA: 20
LCK: 12
Weapon: "Glitterstick of Euphoria" (Sparkle Damage +5, Causes Confusion)
Equipment: Enchanted Unicorn Onesie, Backup Lip Gloss
Active Quests:
— "Babysit Dante (Again)"
— "Learn a Real Spell"
— "Find Romance in a Hopeless World"
The portal shimmered before them, a swirling violet rift hovering above the grass like a bad decision made solid.
Dante's eyes gleamed with determination. "You ready?"
Peter sighed. "My therapist says I need firmer boundaries."
Dante dove through the portal.
Peter followed with a theatrical sigh and a spray of sparkles.
They landed inside a stone chamber that smelled like mildew and monster farts.
The system chimed again.
⟦ NEW ZONE: DUNGEON OF DISTANT MOANING ⟧
Recommended Level: 5+
Warning: You are underleveled. You will probably die.
Bonus XP awarded if you do it in a dramatic way.
A slime the size of a horse slithered into view, gurgling obscenely. It had the faint shape of a woman's face, but mostly looked like someone had tried to sculpt a sexy ghost out of snot.
"Hello, adventurers," it cooed. "Wanna die slowly or quickly?"
Dante grinned, raising Sharpstick. "Ladies first."
The slime shot a glob of acidic goo at his face.
Dante ducked.
The glob hit Peter.
Peter blinked, now covered in a sticky green sheen. "Okay. That's it. Sparkles of Misfortune!"
He waved his staff.
A rainbow burst from his horned hood, striking the slime and momentarily confusing it into thinking it was in love with a scarecrow.
Dante charged, yelling something that might've been a battle cry or just indigestion.
The system updated in real-time:
⟦ COMBAT LOG ⟧
— Dante used "Blind Leap of Faith."
— It failed. He landed face-first into slime.
— Peter used "Sparkles of Misfortune."
— Target is Confused, Horny, and Slightly Hungry.
— Dante is being digested.
— Peter is laughing.
— Party Morale: Medium-High
— Dungeon Morale: Disappointed
Eventually, after much yelling, stabbing, and emotionally-charged glitter magic, the slime exploded into a gooey mess of XP orbs and faint regret.
They both panted, covered in mucus and victory.
The system chimed:
⟦ LEVEL UP ⟧
DANTE STEELBLADE
→ Level 2
+2 STR, +1 LCK
New Ability: "Reckless Slash" – Deals bonus damage, but may injure user. (May?)
PICKLE PETER
→ Level 2
+3 INT, +1 CHA
New Ability: "Fabulous Shield" – Creates a radiant barrier of glitter. Reduces damage and boosts self-esteem.
Dante wiped slime from his eyebrow. "Told you. Easy."
Peter looked at the puddle of goo, then at Dante. "I hate you."
"You love me."
Peter didn't deny it.
Behind them, the dungeon rumbled. Deeper doors opened with a groan, revealing more darkness, more danger, and almost certainly more moaning.
Dante grinned like a man with nothing to lose.
"Onward, my glittery companion. Glory awaits!"
Peter sighed again and followed. He always did.