INT. REY'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Rey sits on the couch, bathed in the flickering light of his laptop screen. He looks suspiciously calm, which is how you know the rage is simmering quietly. Beans sits beside him, tail twitching innocently. The genie floats behind the couch wearing sunglasses indoors.
REY (flatly):I was gone for two hours.
GENIE (cheerfully):And look what we did! Content, engagement, branding.
REY:You let Beans host a podcast.
GENIE:She has charisma. And possibly a cult following.
REY (pressing play):Dear gods.
🎙️ [CLIP: BEANCAST – "THE INTERVIEW"]
GENIE (on screen):Beans, would you rather fight one horse-sized pigeon or fifty pigeon-sized horses?
BEANS:mrrrp.
REY (pause):Why are you like this?
GENIE:Look, she answered. That's more than some politicians.
REY:You taped a spoon to a carrot and called it a mic.
GENIE (defensive):We're on a budget.
GENIE (on screen):If Rey turned into a sofa, would you still sit on him?
BEANS sits on the mic.
REY (staring at Beans IRL):Did you just emotionally obliterate me live?
BEANS:mrrrp.
GENIE:That was a love confession in Bean. She's saying she'd always sit with you. Even if you were cursed furniture.
REY (sighing):You know what? I'm not even mad. I'm just… tired.
GENIE (on screen):Do you believe in aliens?
BEANS stares at the camera like she's seen the void.
REY (leaning in):Okay. That part was unsettling. Did she—did she summon something?
GENIE:Yes. But legally, I can't talk about it.
🎂 [CLIP: CAKE DAY DISASTER]
GENIE (on screen):WE DON'T HAVE A WHISK BUT WE HAVE A DREAM!
REY:You duct-taped a toothbrush to a fork.
GENIE:Innovation is born in adversity.
REY:You exploded flour from a microwave.
GENIE:Flour is just dusty hope.
REY:Beans licked the butter.
GENIE:She's a sommelier of dairy.
OVEN EXPLODES SLIGHTLY. TOASTER TURNS GREEN.
REY (pausing video):Explain.
GENIE:I cannot.
REY:You said "Fire is just spicy light."
GENIE:And I stand by it.
CAKE EMERGES – ONE SIDE BURNED, ONE SIDE GLITTER.
GENIE (on screen):Let's eat.
BEANS:burps glitter.
REY (slow blink):I used to paint in silence.
REY (turning off video):Okay. Recap: You hijacked my teapot WiFi to broadcast a podcast with a cat in oven mitts and made a cake that may be haunted.
GENIE:Yes.
REY:And you… uploaded this?
GENIE:Millions of views. Someone made fan art.
REY (horrified whisper):Of what?
GENIE:Beans in a chef hat holding the universe in one paw and a shrimp in the other.
REY:You know what? Fine. You win. I give up.
GENIE:Awwww, you're proud of us!
REY:No. I'm resigned.
BEANS (yawns, curls in Rey's lap):mrrrp.
REY (softly):...Fine. Maybe proud. A little. Don't tell anyone.
GENIE (already tweeting):Too late. #BeanCastForever