🎧 [Intro music: seductive saxophone + Discord ping + Beans meowing over it]
Genie (whispering dramatically):"Welcome back to another dangerous episode of The BeanCast — where dreams go to get weird and dignity is a distant concept."
Cut to: Genie wearing a silk robe, heart-shaped sunglasses, and holding a phone the size of a pancake.
Beans? Sitting regally in her velvet cape, crown polished, sunglasses on. One paw on the table like a CEO.
📱 Step 1: Making the Profile
Genie:"First impressions are everything. Your bio must scream mystery, confidence, and shrimp."
He types:
"Her Majesty Beans. Age: timeless. Interests: judging you. Swipe left if you're allergic to royalty."
Beans headbutts the phone. Genie translates:"She says add 'nap compatibility a MUST.' Noted."
They take a profile pic. Beans poses on a pile of laundry like it's a throne. Genie adds a sparkly filter called "divine feline."
🧠 Step 2: Swipe Science
Genie opens the app. Swipes left on a bulldog in a beanie.
"Too clingy."
Swipes right on a tabby doing parkour.
"Beans likes athletic types. This one's name is… Pancake. Promising."
Beans narrows her eyes. Genie swipes left.
"Okay okay, too eager."
Swipes right on a long-haired Persian posing with tarot cards.
"Ooh. Mystic energy. Beans says she could defeat him in battle. That's a yes."
💬 Step 3: First Message
Genie (typing):"Hey cutie, wanna share a tuna tartare and gaze into the abyss of existence?"
Beans slaps the phone. Message deleted.
She types:
"Mrrrrp 😼✨"
The Persian replies:
"Meeeeow 😽💫"
Genie SCREAMS.
🐾 Step 4: The Vibe Check
Genie FaceTimes with the Persian cat. Beans doesn't move. Just stares into the camera with the full weight of royal judgment.
The other cat meows nervously.
Genie whispers:"She's testing him. Silence is dominance."
The Persian brings his human to translate. The human says, "I think Mr. Fluffums is scared."
Beans hisses once.
Call ends.
Genie: "Iconic."
📝 Final Notes from the Genie
"Beans doesn't need a date. She is the date. She doesn't chase — she attracts. If you're confused by her silence, that's your problem."
Beans types on the app one final time and deletes her profile.
Genie gasps."You ghosted the entire platform???"
Beans: 💤 (already asleep)
Genie whispers to the camera, teary-eyed:"She's too powerful for this world."
🎧 [Outro music: Lo-fi purring over synth-pop]Genie voiceover:"Catch us next week for Spa Day Part 2: The Exfoliation Reckoning. And remember: If Beans stares at you for longer than three seconds… you're already in love."
👑💘🐾