My heart was racing as I walked down the stairs, barely able to keep my balance while struggling to hold onto the handrail. My face was completely red, for God's sake, seeing my reflection in the glass of Jinta -kun's uncle's truck, my chubby face looked like an octopus.
"If I told you it was like this, would you do it?" With that timbre of voice as he leaned against the door, with that defined silhouette, and above all, his eyes, those eyes that stared at me so intensely. How could my poor heart resist such a massive attack?
He's my sister's boyfriend. I know it's wrong for me to think this way, but I truly love him. I love every part of him: his personality, his voice, his gentle touch, the way he cares for others, the drive with which he pursues his dreams, and, most of all, the way he protects me.
I still think about that first day we met. I think of it as a memory so vivid it's seared into my heart. I know girls have this idea of Prince Charming, the damsel in distress ready to be rescued; but at that moment, to me, he was a cuddly bear with his face dismayed at having knocked me down.
If it weren't for Hana interrupting us, would he have even noticed me as a woman? I know I don't look great because of my eating disorder, and my wardrobe is a mess of clearance sales. But in his eyes, unlike the other guys who looked at me with disgust or mockery, I saw a sun in those beautiful eyes I wanted to reach for.
As I passed a convenience store window, I saw my full body reflection and was jolted awake from my idyllic dream.
- " Pffff , how silly. Who would want a monstrosity like you?" – After saying those hurtful words to myself, I pressed my lips together and continued walking under the glow of the morning sun that bathed everything in its light.
I used to be happy, I swear I have memories of a distant past where I could smile, where I could look in the mirror and not feel despair while stuffing my mouth with sweets to fill the emptiness.
Until I was five years old, my parents were a happy and loving couple; in my father's eyes, there was no other woman but my mother, but in her heart, my father was no longer present.
It was a romance that grew from kindergarten, their families being close friends, both my mother and father went to the same schools and their relationship went from a simple friendship to a deep love.
From that love they professed for each other, I was born, a low-birth-weight baby who had to be put in an incubator in an attempt to save her life. My mother used to tell me how my father cried every night, leaning against the glass in the nursery while my body was connected to electrodes and a central line to supply me with nutrients.
When I was finally able to leave the hospital, my father was determined to treasure me as his greatest blessing. The small apartment where they lived quickly changed to a two- story house in a residential area, where a small room was furnished with top-quality toys and baby items.
- "She looks so much like you, how could I possibly love her more?" – Those were my father's words every time he was alone with my mother and me. He was a hopeless fool, faithful to the love he professed for my mother.
As the years went by, I grew up and the whole process was recorded by that man who was holding a camera smiling, making gestures for me to smile at him and I, in my innocence, responded with babbling and a smile.
By the time I was about to graduate from kindergarten, my mother began to be less present at home. In the mornings when I was getting ready for school, she would put on perfume and clothes she rarely wore with Dad. When I watched her closely while I ate my breakfast, she seemed like a princess on her way to find her prince; I liked seeing her like that, thinking she was going to see Dad at work.
The months passed, and little by little, Mom stopped being the mother I knew; every time I approached her for a hug, she pushed me aside while she kept her gaze fixed on her cell phone screen and smiled.
- "Oh, she's talking to daddy" – Was the thought that crossed my mind as I tried to pick up the phone to answer dad's video call as well.
- "Get out of here and don't get in the way!" – With a slap my mother knocked me to the ground and I began to cry, insistently repeating that I was sorry, but far from calming her, her rage ignited to the point where she pulled me by my hair, dragging me to a closet where she locked me.
"Mommy, forgive me! I'm not going to the wrong place anymore. Please let me out. Mommy…" I banged on the door with my small hands, tears streaming down my face, consumed by the fear of being locked in that small, dark place. Unable to be heard, I sat on the floor clutching one of my dad's shirts, silently calling out to him to come save me.
I don't know how many hours passed since my mother locked me in that closet, but what I do remember well is that when I came out, the sun had already set.
"What are you doing here?" My father looked a little disheveled; his tie was loose and some buttons were missing from his shirt. His lip was split and his cheek was slightly swollen. When he picked me up, I could feel his breathing labored, as if he'd been exercising.
- "Is this how you treat our daughter? Do you care so much about pleasing that lover of yours that you would do something like that to Mariko ? Answer me , Chihiro !" My father's voice was so loud it echoed off the walls of the living room, while my mother remained on the floor, kneeling with her hands clasped together as if she were pleading.
A couple of suitcases were near the door, and on the floor lay the remains of torn photos from the wedding album.
- "Honey, please forgive me!" – Mom couldn't stop crying, the beautiful makeup she always wore was now staining her face and her lips were trembling, as she couldn't take her eyes off Dad.
"If I were the one who had been unfaithful, would you have forgiven me?" Dad's words were laced with sadness, as he held me tightly against his chest as if holding back his anger toward my mother. My mother remained profoundly silent in response to my father's question.
"There you have your answer, Chihiro . I can't forgive you. Please, if you still respect this house and your daughter, leave here. My lawyer will serve you the divorce papers." Rising with difficulty from the floor, my mother gave a small, silent bow and gathered her suitcases. It was from that day I lost what I called a home that my suffering began.
The first year we lived alone, my father didn't return home until late at night. After the disappointment he felt from my mother's betrayal, he had thrown himself into his career, seeking to distract himself from the demons that tormented him.
"Daddy, how was work?" Whenever I saw him walk through the door, tired, I would approach him and try to hug him to welcome him home. But he remained somewhat distant from me, barely touching my head like a dog owner would.
Despite his busy schedule, every day without fail he would hold my hand until we took the subway to school. That brief moment of time was the closest I could ever get to my father, so I held onto his hand tightly as if I never wanted to let go.
- "Mr. Matsumoto, good morning."
- "Good morning, Mrs. Sumiya ."
Mariko looks . You can tell she loves her daddy so much; look how she clings to his hand. I wish my children were half as affectionate as your daughter is."
"Yes, I'm lucky," Dad forced a smile on his face as he continued chatting with the neighbor, squeezing my hand so tightly I felt like he'd crush my fingers if he tried any harder. I tried with everything in me to hold back my tears, but my efforts were useless.
- "Little Mariko , don't cry. You probably didn't get enough sleep and you're still sleepy because you have to get up so early for your dad to take you to elementary school. That's why it's always important for a child to have a mother." After hearing that last sentence, my father pulled me by the arm and left Mrs. Sumiya , who watched us from afar with a sad face as she continued sweeping the street.
- "A mother? Nonsense, what does that nosy woman know? She'd better keep an eye on her libertine husband if she doesn't want to end up like me. Don't you believe it, Chihiro …" My father stopped immediately, gritting his teeth, his eyes slightly reddened with tears as he looked me straight in the face. I was too similar to my mother from her childhood, and that had caused him to call me by her name.
After that day, Dad started avoiding me. He no longer walked me to school, and I had to take the train to the nearest station alone. There were days when he didn't leave me any money for food, and I had to make do with the lunch they gave us at school.
Little by little, I lost a little weight, and my health began to suffer. During physical education classes, I tried to stay under the shade of a tree, but the teacher would scold me and make me run two more laps of the track, thinking I was lazy.
" Mariko -chan!" I barely made it around the dance floor when I collapsed on the floor and was rushed to the infirmary. The nurse on duty said I was anemic and my height wasn't appropriate for my age. Worried that I was suffering from child abuse, she asked the principal to call my father for a meeting.
Dad looked upset, arguing with the nurse and the director, explaining that he was very busy with work and had recently divorced his wife. He seemed unwilling to budge until the nurse mentioned the possibility of calling child protection.
When my father heard this, his haughty attitude changed, and he became more docile with the teachers. He promised that he would be more attentive to my diet and that they shouldn't worry about it.
After that incident, Dad would always leave a 5,000-yen bill on the table before leaving for work. He used it to buy me a couple of boxed lunches from the convenience store and a couple of sandwiches for dinner.
After two years, my palate no longer remembered the taste of a home-cooked meal, my tongue barely tasted the greasy bento, so it didn't matter whether I ate something healthy or gorged myself on snacks and instant ramen.
With that high carbohydrate intake, my weight gradually increased until my face swelled to the size of a full moon. The few clothes I still had barely looked decent on me, causing my classmates to laugh and call me names.
I wanted to tell my dad that I was short of clothes, but just remembering his angry expression when the teachers confronted him made me give up on that attempt and try to save some of my allowance to buy secondhand clothes or clothes on sale.
As I walked to school, I saw the other girls wearing pretty blouses and skirts, with hair accessories and bracelets that I could hardly consider buying if I wanted to eat or have something to wear.
"I thought they would look good on you." Snapping out of my melancholic trance, I caressed the peony earrings Jinta -kun had given me. What did it matter if I was overweight? He didn't care about those things; only what he thought should matter to me. That thought repeated itself in my mind as I smiled and turned my key to open the door.
- "Don't you think spending the night out is something a decent girl shouldn't do?" – Hana was standing at the foot of the door waiting for me with an angry expression, pulling me hard by the arm to make me enter the house.
- "Where were you all night?"
- "I stayed at Mr. Tanaka's house helping him bake the orders he had pending."
- "So you stayed at Jinta 's apartment ? Answer me!" Hana was furious as she threw my body against the wall and pulled my hair.
"No, it wasn't like that. I stayed in the staff room behind the bakery. I didn't spend the night with Jinta -kun, I swear." I was scared, very scared. Hana's behavior toward me was more violent than usual; while we weren't close, she had never resorted to violence toward me.
- " Mmmmm , I hadn't seen those earrings. I thought you weren't the type to wear jewelry. Where did you get them?"
- "I bought them during an outing I had with my friends from the crafts club." – I instinctively lied because of the fear I felt. Those precious earrings were a gift from my dear friend, but I had to deny it at that moment because I feared for my safety. But as if she were a witch, Hana saw through my lies and hit me hard in the stomach, causing me to fall to the ground, unable to breathe.
Jinta -kun gave you those earrings . I know this very well because that day I went to visit him, I could see that he gave you a gift box and when you got home you put on those earrings and took pictures with your cell phone." Hana pressed the sole of her foot on top of my head against the ground, applying enough force to break the temples of the frames.
"It hurts so much! Sister, please, stop!" I cried in pain, feeling like my stomach was burning and my head was about to explode. Hana's attitude seemed more like that of a psychopath than a rational person. Nothing seemed to make her see reason, until I told her our parents would find out if she hurt me.
- "Okay, piggy, you win. I'm going to let you go because it's almost time for me to go to work. Unlike you, I don't live off the crumbs they give me out of pity. I have a good salary, and above all, I have something you'll never have even if you were born again." Hana bent down and touched my ears, caressing the earrings slowly while keeping her gaze fixed on my eyes.
Suddenly, the sound of a message notification lit up her phone screen, causing her to get up and start checking it. Seeing that she wasn't paying attention to me, I tried to get up from the floor and go to my room, but something made me turn around, and I could see the expression on her face. A familiar expression as she looked at her phone.
Like a fleeting memory, my mother's face came to mind as she checked her lover's messages. That sinful expression that had been etched in my memory was identical to the one my stepsister had on her face.
- "Hana-chan, who are you talking to? I don't think it's Jinta -kun because you asked him for time to keep your distance." When I said that, her face paled as if she had seen a ghost. The expression in her eyes was like that of a cornered animal that didn't know where to run, while I stood firm in front of her without giving her an ounce of space to evade.
- "It's a message from work!"
- "Are you sure? What kind of work message could make you make that face while reading it? " - Maintaining my firm demeanor, I approached my stepsister, trying to snatch her phone away to see what it was.
- "Get out of here, you damn pig?" – Pushing me hard, Hana put her phone in her purse and ran to the entrance to put on her shoes, slamming the door angrily as she left.
There was no doubt about it, that attitude was that of someone who was being unfaithful and had been caught. Horrified by the shock, I brought my hands to my face and tried to stay calm. I needed to take a breath before going up to my room. How could I be cheating on Jinta ? Who was the unhappy woman I was dating behind her boyfriend's back?
Rage kept building in my chest, gritting my teeth as if I'd just been the one who'd been cheated on. Jinta was a wonderful guy to me; if he were my boyfriend, I'd never even think of cheating on him.
For a moment, I had the urge to text Jinta , but as I typed, I thought about his face. That tender face that expressed unconditional love for Hana. I didn't dare hurt him. Even though I knew it was only right for him to know about Hana's infidelity, I felt a lump in my throat at the thought of Jinta 's illness becoming more complicated because he knew that secret.
- "Damn" – I put my heel on the ground, brought my hand to my eyes and sighed heavily while continuing to curse Hana for being a wretch.
When I got to my room, I found my belongings in disarray and several of my things lying on the floor. The bag Jinta always used to joke around with was ripped with scissors, and the cosplay sketches I had prepared to take with my clubmates to the comiket were torn to pieces beyond repair.
My eyes darted around in every direction. It had been a deliberate act of malice on Hana's part. But what crossed the line was seeing one of my earrings fall to the floor with the clasp broken. While she was fiddling with them, she had intentionally broken the earring post.
Taking a photo with my phone, I texted my dad explaining that Hana had trashed my room in a tantrum. I hoped it would at least break her image as a model daughter and make her face some of the consequences of her actions.
After a few minutes without a reply, a message notification from my father arrived on my phone. Eagerly hoping he'd take my side, I opened the messaging app to check the chat. But I foolishly expected too much from him. The man who had poured his love into a daughter who wasn't his was once again showing his contempt for the one who was part of his blood.
"You must have done something to her. She's not someone who would act that way unless you provoked her. We'll talk about it when we get back from our trip. Try to act a little more like your sister."
- "Hey, hey, hey… Are you serious?" – My tears fell onto the phone screen, while my face contorted with pain from the hope shattered in my chest because of my father.
- "Be more like her? Do you really want that, Dad? Would you be happy if I opened my legs for a man who isn't my partner, like my mom did?" I threw my phone onto the bed and lay on the floor, crying nonstop. My sobbing was so deep that at times I felt like I couldn't breathe. That feeling reminded me of the dark closet my mother locked me in the day she abandoned us. Despair filled my body as I clutched the small, broken peony earring to my chest.
- " Jinta , please. Save me." Just like I did when I was little, I called out for a savior to pull me out of the darkness I was trapped in. But this time, instead of calling out to my father, my lips echoed the name of the man I loved, even if it meant committing a sin.
After a couple of hours, I stepped into the shower and washed my body under the gentle flow of water that hit my skin. As I rubbed the soap over every corner of my body, I thought about Jinta 's face , not caring that he was Hana's boyfriend.
That sinful playfulness set my heart alight, as I caressed my lips with my fingers, imagining Jinta kissing me under the shower head.
"That bitch doesn't deserve you. You should have been my boyfriend." Leaning my forehead against the wall, I turned on the water and turned off the shower. I spent a few moments reflecting on how I'd behaved.
- "React stupid, he needs his best friend right now, not a lover. Come back to yourself, Mariko ." Smacking my cheeks to try to get some sense into myself, I stepped out of the shower and toweled my body dry. Grabbing a blouse and pants from my closet, I styled my hair in front of my vanity and put on my only remaining peony earring. Since my glasses had broken because of Hana, I took out the contact lenses I had stored in my drawer and left the house to meet up with my friends Kaede and Akira.
" Mariko -chan, this way!" Waving her arm cheerfully, Akira wore a lilac beret and a unisex outfit that showed off her androgynous appearance. Kaede , meanwhile, wore a pretty white skirt and a light blue blouse, with her black hair tied back with a large white ribbon that stood out from a distance.
After the bullying incident was resolved, I got to know them thanks to the help of Jinta -kun, who accompanied me for a while to choose a club where I could socialize a little more and thus abandon my gloomy temperament.
"How many times have you saved me, my beautiful giant bear?" I smiled to myself as I murmured those words as I met up with my friends, and we immediately set out to buy the materials we needed for the costumes the drama club members had asked us for.
That afternoon I spent with them helped me clear my mind; laughing and playing together, my thoughts became clearer as I thought of so many things I could do with Jinta -kun when the evening came. There was no point in continuing to think about someone as vile as Hana; my time was precious, and I wanted it to be solely with Jinta and no one else.
Sitting at the table eating hamburgers, Akira stared at me with a mischievous expression that he couldn't hide.
- " Mariko -chan, you've become a rebellious girl."
"Why do you say that, Akira?" Kaede said , still taking huge bites of her burger while shoveling a couple of fries into her mouth. Every time I saw her eat like that, I felt a deep sense of envy, realizing that this delicately built girl could eat whatever she wanted without even worrying about gaining weight.
- "Don't tell me you haven't noticed, Kaede -chan, our little Mariko only wore one earring. Don't you think it's a rebellious act?"
- " Kyaaa , that's right. Mari-chan is getting into the gyaru craze , she'll soon become a popular girl and leave a couple of geeks like us behind" – Pouting quite convincingly, Kaede made me laugh out loud even though I still felt sad about the fact that my stepsister had broken Jinta 's gift .
- "So should I wear baggy socks, dye my hair, and tan my skin? Hey, hey, hey."
- "No, definitely not!" – Responding in unison and shaking their heads, my friends asked me to reconsider the idea of becoming a cool girl.
- "Oh, come on. You know I'm joking, and besides, it's not like that look would suit a girl like me."
" Mariko -chan, you know we don't mean that. You're such a sweet and innocent girl, so we prefer your current self." Holding my hands, Kaede and Akira smiled gently, encouragingly. They were my precious friends, the friends Jinta -kun had helped me find when I needed them most.
As we were about to board the train home, the rain started to fall heavily, forcing us to go to a convenience store to buy some umbrellas to try not to get even wet on our way back. While standing in line to pay, I saw the silhouette of a man through the window, walking in the rain, almost tripping.
- "Mari-chan, what's wrong?"
- "Nothing Kaede , it's just that boy in the rain that caught my attention."
" Hmm , you're right. He looks pretty tall. Did something happen to him?" Driven by curiosity, my friends and I walked toward the boy who was still stumbling, face up, soaking in the rain. But the moment I got close enough, my eyes widened in horror at the sight of that familiar, bruised face.
- " Jinta -kun?" – Wanting my question to go unanswered, I hoped I was mistaken and the boy in front of me wasn't my beloved Jinta . But seeing him react with that melancholic expression, almost wishing for death, my heart froze completely, making me cry.
- "Is that Jinta -kun? The ace runner from the track and field club?" – Akira looked at Jinta strangely , who could barely gesticulate his face to the point that the smile he returned seemed like a macabre expression.
No, it couldn't be Jinta -kun. I kept repeating to myself as my body moved by inertia to reach him.
- " Mariko -chan?"
- "Akira, Kaede , please take your things. I'll see you at the club tomorrow."
- "Mari-chan, are you sure?"
- "Damn it, just do what I say, please!" – It was the first time I yelled at my friends, but being in contact with that fragile and vulnerable Jinta , my heart broke into pieces unable to bear the burden of my emotions.
Apologizing to them, I walked with Jinta down the main street in search of a place where we could take shelter from the rain. With the stares of people on Jinta , I decided to head down the alleys in the hope that no one else would be watching us.
Jinta 's appearance , who kept babbling that there was nothing left to continue.
- " Jinta -kun, please react. How come you have nothing to go on? You have your uncle , you have me, you're even striving to become an Olympic representative so your mother will see you."
- "Enough"
- "That?"
- "Enough!" – Taking me firmly by the shoulders, Jinta put me against the wall, placing his face very close to mine.
- "Is my mother going to watch me? That woman? Mariko, do you think that harpy is really going to look at me?" - With a mixture of rage and pain, Jinta 's words echoed in my ears while his fingers squeezed my shoulders tightly, his intense gaze on me.
- " Jinta , you're hurting me. Please, at least don't hurt me." At that moment, I couldn't help but cry, as I hugged Jinta tightly. Upon realizing my intentions, he hugged me sweetly and cried on my shoulder.
- " Mariko-cha , my mother disowned me. She remarried and told me she didn't want to have anything more to do with me, that she didn't want me to get in the way of her new family. Mariko , I'm left alone." – Jinta 's crying was so intense that it was barely covered by the sound of the rain, while I clung to his body with a sea of tears soaking my face.
- " Jinta , you are not alone. Even if the world turns its back on you, I will always be there for you. I will never leave you, no matter what happens. I am your Mariko ." Hearing my words, Jinta began to relax his body as if his strength was slowly leaving him. The temperature of his skin was very low and his clothes were completely soaked.
Trying to find somewhere we could go, I walked beside him until we reached one of the main streets again. Just a few steps away, I saw the marquee of a place I knew from a friend at the club.
- "Hi, Ayumi . Are you there?" – Frantically ringing the reception bell, I hoped to meet Murano Ayumi , an outgoing girl who had a penchant for cosplay.
- "Sorry, we're booked solid. Wait, don't make things up! Mariko -chan, what are you doing here? Don't tell me you came with your boyfriend."
- " Ayumi , this isn't the time for jokes. Could you give me a room? I need my friend to change his clothes. He's very sick."
- "No way. If my grandparents find out I gave a room to some high school students, they'll hang me."
- "Please, I beg you Ayumi "
- " Aaaaah . Okay, follow me. I'm going to take you to the back. It's better to stay at my house than in a hotel room." Exhaling with nerves, Ayumi led us to the back entrance of her house that connected to the hotel.