I died.
Not in a tragic, heroic, save-the-world kind of way.
Not even in a weird, mysterious, truck-kun sort of way.
Nope.
I got vaporized because some divine being up there sneezed.
One minute I was sipping cheap noodles while watching cultivation dramas.
The next — poof.
Ash. Smoke. Dead.
When I opened my eyes again, I was floating in an empty white space... staring at a glowing woman who looked like she just stepped out of a divine skincare ad.
She blinked at me. "Ah… oops."
Oops?
Lady, I became seasoning dust for your cosmic pollen!
---
"Due to my divine accident," the goddess said, "you are entitled to one wish before reincarnation. It is part of the celestial compensation policy."
I stared at her. "So... you literally deleted me by mistake?"
"Yes," she said, sounding like customer support at 3AM. "My divine sneeze was a spatial disruption event. Your soul was unfortunately within range."
"Did you even aim the sneeze?!"
"I didn't know souls were so… fragile."
I squinted. "Are you sure you're a goddess and not a divine hazard?"
She narrowed her glowing eyes. "Watch your tongue, mortal."
"No thanks. It's the only thing I have left."
---
I rubbed my temples. Reincarnation? Fine.
At least give me a good cheat, right?
"Okay," I said. "For my wish—I want the best system in the universe."
The goddess blinked. "The best?"
"Yeah. Like the cool ones in manhwa. I want infinite power, cultivation speed hacks, a sexy voice interface—"
"You're very specific," she muttered.
"Hey, it's not every day you get murdered by a sneeze. I deserve deluxe treatment."
She sighed, waved her hand, and said:
"Very well. You shall be granted a... system."
Something about her tone gave me secondhand trauma.
---
The next thing I knew, I was falling.
Not metaphorically. Literally falling—straight into a forest, butt-first, face-second.
> [System Activated!]
Welcome, Host, to the Broken Heaven System™️ (Beta–Trash Tier).
What.
> [Error Code 69420: Tutorial Not Found]
[System Functions: Mostly broken. Some features sold for spiritual debt.]
[You will receive quests, but rewards may be… "repurposed."]
I stared at the glowing text in front of me.
"Did this goddess just scam me?"
The system beeped:
> [Please enjoy your cultivation journey, meatbag.]
---
That's how my story began.
I didn't become a genius cultivator.
I didn't awaken ancient bloodlines.
I didn't save a village or get adopted by a powerful sect.
I got stuck with a broken scam of a system that calls me meatbag and gives me expired spirit herbs as quest rewards.
And worst of all?
I'm still convinced that goddess is laughing somewhere.